in years passed....

previous date | next date
today's Dear Abby
FAMILY FLEES VIOLENT HUSBAND AS WELL AS HELPLESS RELATIVES

DEAR ABBY: My children and I were living with a maniac who threatened to kill me if I took the kids and ran. We reached out to his family, hoping they would intervene and tell him they knew what he was doing to us. We wanted someone to stand up to him.
His sister said: "I don't want to hear this. I love my brother. I don't want to think about him doing these things, so don't tell me these stories!"

His father said, "What did you do to provoke him?"

His brother and his wife were sympathetic, but said there was nothing they could do.

The last violent episode ended with the children and me locking ourselves in the bathroom while my husband screamed and tried to break the door down for half an hour. When he finally stopped, I called his dad who said, "Do you know what time it is? You woke me up!" He hung up the phone so fast I didn't get to tell him what his son had done to our autistic son.

After getting help from outside sources, we finally felt safe enough to leave. We're now divorced, and my daughter wants nothing to do with her father's side of the family. Her granddad can't figure out why she won't talk to him, and her aunt has no clue why my daughter refuses to visit.

Abby, please urge family members to step up to the plate. Be supportive and ask what you can do to help. Lives could be saved in the process, in more ways than one. -- HEARTBREAK IN THE HEARTLAND

Once upon a time, this was our life.  His sisters said- "that's my brother and I love him- I don't want to hear it".  The same sisters who pressed charges against him for battery against them.  His mom said-  " What did you do?"  The same mom who pressed battery charges against him after he went after her.  His dad said - "Ahhh lets go have a drink" - to him.   The same people that for 10 years now haven't sent the kids a birthday or Christmas card or made a phone call.  The same mom that got him out of jail the night he went after he came home drunk and attacked me.  I went to the hospital with 4 kids at 4 AM.  He was out of jail before I got out of the hospital.  Walked thru the restraining order and smashed every phone in the house so I couldn't call the police again.  

He told me I couldn't make it without him.  I believed him for a while.  Was scared to death of how I was going to do it when I left.  But I have a core of stubbornness and hard-headed ness in me that a lot of women don't.  The same stubbornness that has kept me walking for so many years after they told me I wouldn't get to walk without a cane or walker.  That will to "prove them wrong"  stood me in good stead when it came time to walk away from that.  It took planning and timing.  In my case, he threatened me with my kids.  I could leave but I couldn't have my kids - is what he used to tell me.  It took money- money to get far enough away that we weren't close enough to be an easy target when he tied one on.  Because the violence with him- came with the drugs.  Before he used- it didn't exist.  But people grow and change in life.  You never stay the same.  Some people grow with grace- some people struggle with that growth.  A lot of us just muddle thru doing the best we can do.  And as his family seems to have that "addiction" gene- he struggles.  He's still struggling.  And I feel for him.  With all the times I've been furious with him.  With how much I hate the fact that he has refused to maintain any type of relationship with his kids- I still feel for him.  His dad is an alcoholic and his parents split while his mom was still pregnant with him.  The first real memory he has of his dad is being in a bar fight with him at 15 years old.  My kids had never SEEN the inside of a bar at 15.  Let alone been in a bar fight.  He was grown before he met any of his siblings on his dad's side.  We were already married  as a matter of fact because I met them when he did.  He didn't even know how many other kids his dad had.  His mom is one of 19 (yes I said 19) kids a combination of his/hers and ours.  Most of her whole brothers and several of her  half-brothers have done prison time.  She has 18 DUI charges and has done prison time for those.  They bicker  and fight amongst each other.  (all facts I didn't know before I got married to him).  When they fight- fists flying are not uncommon.  When they drink together - a fist fight is coming.  It will happen.  His dad never paid support for him.  He still owes for it.  His sisters dads (both of his sisters that he mom gave birth to have different dads from him and each other) never paid support.  It was a cycle.  One that I wasn't old enough or mature enough to recognize at 22.  One that took me years to figure out and realize that my kids were going to grow up just like them if I didn't do something.    A fact brought home to me last night when Hurricane and Ms D met me over at Uncle B and Aunt C's house and we sat and talked for a few.  After a few of the stories told (which I'll share at a later date)- the only thing Ms D could say was:  "I'm so glad that you moved away from there.  I can't imagine the boys like that".  Oh but they were.  Little hellions when they were little - they would have grown up to be quite different had we stayed in that environment.  Hurricanes 2 best cousins that he hung with all the time before I left- are both in prison right now. 

The flower.  That represents the growth and changes we've made since leaving.  The peace that we have now in life.  Is is always great?  No.  With 4 hormonal boys - would it ever be?  Was I lucky in that I was strong enough and lucky enough to have support to help me make changes in our lives?  Oh yes.  It took a lot of heartache and pain to get to where I am now with my life.  I made a lot of mistakes- had to do a lot of growing up to become who I am now.  But, I'm pretty happy with who I am now.  Do I trust like I did back then?  No, a lot of that openness and trust that I had back then are gone- destroyed.  I believed that everyone was wonderful at 22.  I was naive back then - had lived a sheltered life.  Had never met anyone who had gotten a ticket- let alone been arrested or been in prison.  Mostly, I was lucky.  Some women never make it out.  They don't know that there is a different way to live.  Like SD doesn't know any other way.  It's how his parents were- how his grandparents were- how his aunts and uncles (most of them) live- is how he's going about living.  He's done his kids like his dad did him.  Some women grew up being abused.  There mom was abused- their grandma was abused- it's all they've ever known. 

Be thankful for what you have going into this holiday season.