Getting nekid

Some bloggers invite friends and family to read their blogs. Some share their thoughts with all their peeps (kid slang pretty cool huh?) I like the anonymity of the blog. Most of my real life friends don't even know that I know what a blog is. They don't know that I write. This is how I like it.

See, with anonymity, I can get nekid with my writing. I can be honest with myself and my writing. If some random Joe finds my blog and they don't like what I've written - well, tough toots. See the little red x in the corner- click it. And if some random anonymous person reads my blog and gets nasty with me- well, I lived 45 years of my life without knowing Ms anonymous and I can live the next 45 without missing them. I can bare my soul here and get honest reactions from some really great people. Yea, there's the occasional idiot that drops by. Someone that wants to judge and comes off sounding like a fool. But for the most part, the people that come by are like me. They're honest women, trying to figure life out and working at trying to keep things straight in their heads. And blogging helps us do that. Whether we're open and above board and share our lives with our real life friends, or we're using pseudonyms and staying anonymous or even if we password protect some or all of our stuff and only allow those trusted few in to our thoughts as we try to make sense out of what is sometimes senseless. When Tara found my blog and was stalking me, it changed my writing and I didn't like that one bit. Which is why I went to password protecting some of my posts. I found that I wasn't comfortable with being as brutally honest either about situations or with myself as I like to be. Ms Minnie calls it emotional writing. That's who I am here. Real life- I am Ms reserved. I don't like people in my business. I don't show weakness. Hey folks! I have 5 kids. One second of weakness and they would have eaten me alive! In real life- I'm a mom. That's it. That's the sum total of my existence. That's what I've done for the last 26 years.

In my blog- I'm Amy. I can be scared. I can be unsure. I can be sad. I can admit to my weaknesses and faults. I don't get a chance to do that in RL. My kids are quick to point out what they think my faults and weaknesses are. Funny thing is- most of the time, they are clueless. Their opinions of me have been formed by the history we have together. A lot of how they see me dates back to their childhood. And, I admit, when SD and I split up, I didn't let the kids see the pain. Not the tears or the insecurity or the absolute terror that I couldn't pull it off. I mean- what if I couldn't make it? I had to act like I knew what I was doing and act like I knew where we were headed so that they weren't scared. My crying I did in the shower. Looking back on it now- that was probably a mistake. Because to at least some of the kids, I'm not allowed to hurt (even physical pain). To some of my kids - they seem to think that I am emotionless. That was proven the night my Aunt Sharon died and Hurricane thought it was ok for Donna to blow up my phone being rude and disrespectful during a time that I was grieving. I think Little Man and B have more of a clue now. They know that there are nights that I can't sleep. Nights that my insomnia means that they are busted if they try to raid the fridge late at night. Do they know why? They're kids.

Someday days just roll on by without a gray cloud in the sky
She keeps telling herself, "I will make it on my own"
And her friends they've all gone back to their lives
Thinking she will be all right
As she races through the night to make it home

She's alive but can she survive the storm

Those are lyrics to a song that runs thru my head some nights. Some of those nights that I can't sleep. I used to pace the house. Now, I play on the net. I read your blogs. I write new posts. I sort things out in my head. And most nights, I'm not so lonely anymore.

The funny thing is ~ I think most of my faithful readers know me (the real me) better than my RL people do now. Here I have been safe to be me. I have been allowed to have feelings. Its not - here let me cry on your shoulder over my family, pet, relationship, life, nightmare, bad day but when its MY loss, death, fear, bad day - eh no big deal. Or the one I got from Donna when my aunt died "stop using your aunt trying to get pity". In RL - I am not allowed to be human. There is no one who cares when I have a bad day or a loss or am scared. No one that sees me in that light of vulnerability. Oh, I have friends. And there are some who would listen if I would let my guard down enough to talk. If I could catch one when they aren't too "busy". If that were my way and my personality - which it isn't. So, instead, I'll save my nekidness for here (oh and for you grammar police out there- yes, I KNOW that I have spelled it wrong- it was on purpose. OK? Great! Thanks!)

So, for those of you who keep coming back to my brand of crazy - thanks. Thanks for letting me get nekid.

And for those of you who are into pictures.... Check out MY OTHER SITE