Every so often, someone asks me about Tara.  For new readers, Tara is 26.  She was my daughter.  Tara is mentally ill and chose to self medicate rather than stay on the medications that the doctors had her on.  Her drugs of choice were many and she got into some really hard stuff (meth).  During these times, she met Tom and ex-con fresh from prison.  Tom is an alcoholic with many family violence charges on his public record.  After some incidents with Tom where the younger boys were endangered including one where I had to pick a 15 year old Little Man up from protective police custody in OK (where Tara and Tom were then living) at 3 AM on Mothers Day, I banned Tom from the house and from being around the boys.  So, we're talking more than 3 years ago.  Our last contact with Tara was over a year ago when she stole $200 from my purse and disappeared in the middle of the night.  Tom had thrown her out 6 months before and sent her walking down the road in 30 degree weather with nothing more than the clothes on her back and not even a coat.  Despite being warned by the boys that I was making a huge mistake and the history we had with Tara and her issues, I couldn't leave her out on the street.  The boys were right.  We went thru 6 months of getting her back on her meds and trying to help her - and we suffered thru her doing meth, threats of violence from Tom, and her bringing drugs into the house.  After 6 months of telling us what a loser Tom was and how he beat and abused her - she snuck out in the middle of the night to go back to him.  Something in me died that day.  I didn't recognize the person she had become.  The drugs and other choices she had made had turned her into someone that not only don't I know- I don't want to.  I hear about her from time to time.  People calling me to go "OMGosh - you won't believe what she's done now!".  I tell them "I'm sorry" and change the subject.  I just don't care anymore.  It's like hearing about a stranger.  I'm glad Tom hasn't killed her yet and I hope she's happy, but I just can't walk down that road anymore.

    As to how she's doing...  They were living in the garage of Tom's mom's house.  From what I was told, that is no longer.   They're now on the outs with Tom's side of the family too or so rumor has it.

     She didn't bother to show for her aunt's funeral when T passed.  Of course, she didn't bother to come with the boys and I when her Aunt Mary passed either.  I took the boys out of school and made the drive down.  She refused to go saying she didn't want anything to do with "those people".  So many times I made the trip from the metroplex to T's house so that our kids could play and know each other and every time, Tara took a huge fit to not go.  She "hated those people" as she always called them.  Didn't want anything to do with SD's side of the family.  Out of all the pictures I have of the birthday parties and trips that we all did together, Tara is in maybe 2 sets of them.  And both of the times that I forced her to come with, she was rude to her aunt and the cousins.  As a matter of fact, the last actual disagreement that T and I had was that she had banned Tara from being at her house which kept the boys and I from being able to visit too (because Tara was at a point with her drugs that she couldn't be left home alone).  Of course, T and I made up and I had to go back and tell T that she had been right but when T passed, Tara was still banned from there (over those same drugs).  Of course, SD didn't show up either but he didn't show for Mary's funeral either.  Something that T had never forgiven him for.  On a side note, on our way home from getting Elmer, we stopped and met up with Jace and visited for a bit giving him a chance to see the baby.  Jace and I discussed doing a family bbq and trying to get all the kids in the same place at the same time.  We'll see if we can pull that one off.  That would be a major feat if it could be accomplished.  Seriously, it hasn't been done since Mary's funeral 9 years ago.  Thank goodness for social networking as most of the cousins are friends on there at least now.

    Anyhow, to sum it up and for those who have been asking.  Tara is still alive as far as I know but no, we don't associate with her.  I try not to worry to much about her.  She chose this path.  She's where she chose to be living the life that she wanted.  If that life leads her down some rough paths, it's her choice.

     The rest of us muddle on making our own choices - right or wrong.  All you can do is to do the best you can with the information you have at hand at the time.  So long as you're giving your best - that's it.  So with the holiday season coming up and with my mom coming to visit, there will be an empty place in our family again this year.  And while the rest of us have learned to live with that - it's still hard on my mom.  She is so disappointed in Tara and the choices she's made.  Tara was my parent's baby.  The first grandchild.  And for years - the only girl.  And the favored grandchild.  This will be a bit of a different visit for mom.  Last time she made it down, Elmer was just over 6 m old.  This time he will be able to go do things with us.  To have fun and play.  We'll be able to do something with him.  It should be a good time and I can't wait!

Oh - I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaccccck.  lol

a view from the other side

     A friend of mine sent me an email this morning directing me to a couple of sites.  One written by a bio-mom, the other written in response and disputing the posts by a bonus mom.  My friend commented that they were so vastly different that she didn't know which to believe.  Here's the thing- the "truth" is probably somewhere in the middle.  But then I started thinking about how my ex, SD, would write about things like our divorce and what's happened....  Having read his fb posts and emails over the years I thought it would be interesting to write a post from his view point.  One which is vastly different than mine.  In the interest of y'all being able to actually read said post- I'll put his views in actual sentences with capital letters and punctuation and leave out some of the vulgarity that is so prevalent in his writings...

     My marriage sucked.  All she cared about was the kids. She never wanted to go to the bar with me and all she ever did was complain about my drinking.  I was gone over-the-road for weeks at a time.  A man has to have a chance to unwind when he comes home from a couple of hard weeks work right?  But nooooo - all she wanted to do was harp on me about spending time with the kids.  Hey, I told her that if she wanted to go out with me to find herself a babysitter.  What else did she want?  So, who's fault was it when I found myself a more understanding woman?  Hers - right?  It sucks that I was having some fun in my truck with my married co-worker when the wife and kids stopped by but hey - that's life right?  I told her that Dawn  was going to leave her husband of the last month and I was going to go home with Dawn instead of her and the kids.  She must not have cared.  She told me that she was going to go ahead with the plans to move to TX with the kids.  Worked for me.  We went down to the attorney's office a few days later and I signed off on the papers for her to take the kids and leave state.  I agreed to pay a ridiculous amount of child support but Dawn soon talked me out of sending so much of our money to her.  

     Amy moved to TX on August 3rd early in the morning.  By that afternoon, Dawn and her kids were moved in and we were living as one big happy family.  I called Amy a few times for the road but that witch called Dawn and told her that I was calling her and it caused a huge fight between Dawn and I.  I quit doing that - it wasn't worth it.  I kept meaning to call the kids but life was so busy when I'd be home off the road.  Dawn didn't like me to make runs by myself so she came with me a lot.  Dawn did send the kids $15 each and a card for Christmas.  I told her just to go ahead and sign all our names on it.  I didn't think anyone would care since Amy had always signed all the cards to the kids in the past.  I just can't figure out why the kids disliked Dawn so much.  I tried to call the kids a few days after Christmas to see if they got my card and money.  They were nasty and rude!  No respect what-so-ever.  They had no right to treat me that way.  I know I hadn't talked to them since August but I was busy.  It's only been a few months.  

     Since the kids never called me back after Christmas, Dawn and I filed suit for visitation in June.  Amy is so unreasonable!  She wanted to know where I was going to put the kids and her attorney asked how I would transport them?  There's only 5 of them plus Dawn's 2.  We have a pick-up.  The kids can ride in back.  I really didn't think Amy would show up for court but she did.  She only brought 3 of the kids to town with her and she's totally turned my kids against me.  They keep asking me why I didn't invite them to my wedding and why I haven't called.  I didn't invite them because Amy wouldn't have let them come.  Well, no- I didn't ask her about it.  I don't want to talk to the witch!  Tara was pretty upset that Dawns kids were in the wedding and she wasn't even invited.  I told her to get over it.  It's over and done with now.  Hurricane is more mad that we took a cruise without them.  I wish Dawn wouldn't have told my kids about the cruise!  All it did was get the kids mouthing off.  B is too much of a mama's boy.  All he does it whine.  I took them to the game room, gave him 50 cents and he threw a temper tantrum over not getting more money.  I told him enough was enough and picked him up and whipped his tail.  Amy has obviously spoiled them.  When I whipped that tail, both Tara and Hurricane got disrespectful with me and my wife.  I don't have to take that from those kids.  I told Amy just take them.  I have phone visitation, I'll talk to them later after they've had a chance to calm down.  They were so rude, they didn't even call me before they got back on the plane.  

    Phone visits didn't go well.  The kids were distracted and didn't talk much.  They were rude and refused to talk to Dawn or my step-kids.  At different times both of the older kids were so disrespectful, I just hung up on them.  After a while, I just quit calling.  Amy finally sent me a letter telling me that the kids weren't going to "wait on my calls anymore".  I don't know what she's making a big deal about.  If I call- I do.  If I don't - it's not like they talked much anyhow.  Things went along quietly for the next few years.  I kept waiting on the kids to call me but by now, Amy has alienated them to the point that they hate me.  I was a great dad.  She's turned my kids against me. I thought they would come looking for me after they turned 18, but all of them but the youngest is 18 now and none of them has come around.  My only contact with them has been via my fb page and they were so disrespectful that I blocked them.  They actually accused me of not caring - of not being there for them.  The 3 older boys were all nasty and told me to quit talking about their mom.  I can't help it she's a b*tch and has turned my kids against me.  If they weren't so brainwashed they'd be able to see the truth.  I ended up blocking them all and telling them that I was done with them.  She's ruined my relationship with my kids.  Amy brainwashed them and turned them against me.  I love my kids though and I'll always love them.

    Here are a few of his fb posts to show how he thinks.....

tired of dealing with brain wash ppl,try to talk but u get others button n n dont know shit but what there told,n than lies added,wtf s going on with folks everyone turning into drama queens guess its the life ppl like well final thought let em live it but keep to urselfs,noone wants to b part of it

well if they had a mother with a brain they wouldnt b the way they r

 it just sucks for me cause i do love my kids n would love to be part of their lifes but their brain washed from their mother

     It really does come down to how you look at it.  He doesn't see his drug charges as a problem.  He doesn't think that not calling for years at a time as having any effect on his relationship with his kids.  He didn't think that the kids catching him in bed with his married co-worker was an issue.  It's all in how you look at it.  Funny how that works isn't it? And when the kids tried to talk to him online about why he didn't call or use his visitation or whatever, he blocked them.  And that's the way it's stood since March.  No word - no attempts at contact.  He crawled back under his rock and forgot that they existed yet again. Well, except when he gets drunk (which is frequently) and then it's more drunken whining about pity poor him.  He just can't figure out why they get upset when he doesn't call more than every 5-7 years.  I can't figure it out either- can you?  

Home again... home again... jiggedy jig

God and the Doctor willing, I head home today. Yes, I've enjoyed my visit. No, the kids haven't caused any drama. Yes, I'm glad I battled my inner demons and was here for my friend. But, all the same, the trees- the peace- the quiet- my house- they all call to me. Now, I say Doctor willing because I have no idea what's going to happen today with my doc. This is the doc. After years and years of having doctor after doctor not know what was wrong with me- after multiple surgeries to fix this problem or that one - this doctor is the one that connected all the dots. He's the one that knows how this disease progresses. He's the one calling the shots. He's the one that kept me walking this long. This guy is not someone that you would expect to find in the town he's in. He's in this little hick town. Small town USA. The town itself, maybe 3 traffic lights? The doctor trained in the largest trauma orthopedic unit in CA. Offers from all over the world to go into practice. And he ended up here? He has doctors flying in from all over the US so that he can treat them. We asked him about it. My friend, Cathy, and I. His wife gave him the choice of fame or family. She wanted to come back here to where she was born and raised. He chose his wife. Said he never regretted it and hasn't looked back. I think he got both in a way. He sets his practice hours. He's there for his wife and kids. And those who want him- they fly (or drive) to him. And honestly, you gotta admire a man who put his family first. You have to admire anyone who can let go of something that big and do pick their family. Most of us can't let go of something small and make the same choice. How many marriages in today's world crash and burn over selfish choices? Over one person not being able to put the needs of their spouse and marriage over something their mind is set on? Mine did. My ex had his mind set on something and he had to have it his way. Kristi's ex - the same way. His way or the highway. My friend, Cathy- her previous marriage was the same thing. Her way or the highway though - not his.

And what happens when you have two hard-headed people in a marriage? My mom said that her marriage survived the 49 years it did (before my daddy died) because they were committed to it. Committed to making it work. Did they fight? Oh yea! Big juicy ones. They fought over me. I know because I was a horrible monster teen. And I was a daddy's girl. If I could get to my daddy and tell him my side of the story before my mom got to him - he'd take my side every time. Was that right? From this side of the window looking in... not one little bit. My mom had it rough there for a while. I'm surprised she didn't throw in the towel. Daddy sure was putting someone else in front of her and their marriage. Even if it was one of their children, it wasn't right. But she didn't and their marriage survived almost another 20 years after I left. And my mom - she still wears her wedding ring. And daddy's been gone 6 years now. You don't see that kind of commitment much anymore. It's too easy for folks to say - eh, I'm done. And for 2nd or 3rd or so on marriages, the rate of divorce raises astronomically. Why is that? Well, for one, I think that when you've already been divorced once - number 2 (or 3 or 7) is easier. Add in the stress of an ex-spouse or kids from a previous marriage and it raises the stress level on the marriage. And when you have antagonism between the current and the ex... well, that puts an even bigger strain on things. Or what if the current spouse doesn't care for you children? What if they don't want them around? Or they've raised their kids and the new step-kids are younger and they don't want to raise kids any more? Then that puts the mom or dad in one heck of a pickle doesn't it? They have to choose between their spouse and their children. Of what if the new spouse does things to come between the parent and visitation? What if they do things to give the ex ammo or reason to go to court and withhold the kids? Then what does the parent do? Do they stay married and not get to see their children? Or do they get divorced and hope that there hasn't been so much damage done that they get visitation back some time in the future?

My kids are victims of the divorce train. They had a parent that didn't much care if he saw them or not. A step-parent who didn't want them around and made sure that she gave the courts enough ammo to get the hubby she claimed to love so much "supervised visits". Did he help matters out with his actions? LOL Of course not. He's much too selfish of a person for that. And here we are now with girlfriend number who knows post divorce and another divorce behind him and he's still clueless. 11 years later, he doesn't know my kids at all. He might recognize them if he saw them. Maybe. But he doesn't know who they are. He doesn't know the people that they've become. And the time that he lost? It can't be replaced. They're not ever going to have that first bike ride or learn to swim or the first formal or the first girl/boyfriend. That's gone. The first heartbreak? With the exception of B - all lived thru and survived. And B? He wouldn't recognize the ex if he passed him on the street.

The ex, SD, threatened to kill himself if he got sentenced to prison. Said he wouldn't go behind bars. Well, he's out of continuances. He's out of pardons. In January his trial starts. And he's looking at life. Well, over 100 years and even with good time- that's more than 50 years. For a man who is over 40 already and has emphysema and the beginning of cirrhosis of the liver. So, then I thought... if he died, would I go to the funeral. Well, the funeral is to pay your respects to the living - not the dead. And I don't much care for anyone that he's leaving behind. And after the hillbilly funeral they gave his grandma and then drank up her insurance money (remember the pine box and no bed pick-up truck), I would bet that they don't do him any better. Should my kids go? They don't know him any more than he knows them. He didn't make any effort when he was alive. What do they owe him in death? Elmer- almost a year old now. He's never even asked for a picture. Would the kids want to go? Oh the thought is hilarious. No. They have point blank refused to even consider it in the past. And, with the exception of B, they are all too old for me to "make" at this time.

Well, Elmer is up and on the move so I need to run. I have to get ready for the doctor anyhow. Cathy is coming to pick me up. While I'm in that nice little town, I have to stop by the drivers license branch and pick up the stuff for B to get his permit. My baby is going to be driving y'all!

Keep smiling

And the story continues....

Good evening and I hope everyone is doing well out there in bloggy land. I had a nice productive day today. Little Man left this morning to take his friend Casy home and take Elmer back to his doting parents who were missing him dreadfully. And honestly, it was a bad time for me to have Elmer here. Any guesses as to how much flooring or painting got done while he was here? Yep - none! We had a lot of playing, talking, trying anything anyone else was eating, trying to feed ourself, getting into everything, and typing random things on grandma's keyboard when she tried to type. But no painting or flooring. Now, I imagine that Elmer would have loved to try and help paint! He would have had a blast. However.... not yet and not until I get kid appropriate paints for him to play with here that actually wash off him. Expensive paints that grandma needs for the walls and that won't wash out of his clothes - not gonna happen. I got him some bubbles for Easter and we had lots of fun with grandma and Uncle LM blowing bubbles for him.

So one of my old strays was here this week. Casy came back with Little Man and Kristi when they came back from old town. LM took him back today when he took Elmer home. It was good to see him. He walked thru the door with his cowboy hat and big smile with a hug and a "hi mama" for me. I didn't pry but it seems that things are going well for him now that he's back home. And that's always a good thing. I love it when my old kids come back to say hey and show off where they are in life.

So, Ice Cube got hired in as a manager trainee. That should make things so much easier on the kids in the long run. He will have benefits and paid vacation as well as a better pay grade. I'm so happy for him.

So, B has found a new way to irritate Kristi. He will call her and say "hey Joebob". She told him "call me by my name. It only has 6 letters and I think you can handle it." He said "Right- 6 letters. J-o-e-b-o-b". And she tries to act like she's mad at him but she can't pull it off while she's giggling. And the giggling actually encourages him. So, she'll call him a "little monster" which worked when she was bigger than he was. Not so much anymore. The latest on this front is Kristi standing in the kitchen screaming "mom... beat your son!" while she laughs. I am, of course, too busy laughing at them while pretending to ignore the whole thing to bother answering. She told him that she would think that after 15 years, he would know his sisters name. His response? I'd think after 25 years, you'd know your own name JOEBOB. I'm really interested in my computer right now believe me.

Someone asked me what's the best way to deal with a houseful of teens? Its easy. Practice selective hearing and eyesight. I am blind and deaf most of the time. I don't hear the stupid little arguments that take place every day in my house. I can ignore all the normal everyday stuff that goes on. I'm so good at tuning it out that I scare myself sometimes. Of course, I can also hear the whispers of what they don't want me to hear thru 3 walls and over the tv and stereo going at the same time. I have eyes in the back of my head. I can see thru walls and I have the ability to pick up on a part of a conversation at the very time that they don't want me to. And I have a mommy radar that is unequaled for picking up on lies. I'm just good like that.

One time, I left Hurricane to watch B for a few hours. I had to run to town to help Vix out with something. Hurricane was 14. B was 7. I got a call from a hysterical Hurricane. His story: B was running thru the house and tripped over the dog. Mind you. The dog he was referring to- never moved. He found the best patch of sun during the day and would lay in that patch of sun till it was gone. I knew that the whole story was a load of garbage and told him so. My neighbor, Sharon, brought B part way to where I was, we met up and I took B in to the hospital to the tune of 4 staples in his head. The dog story? That was Hurricane's story and he stuck to it for years. B wouldn't budge on the programmed story either. I called them both on it. Told them that I knew that they were both lying and we moved on. The true story didn't much matter at that point. They had learned their lesson the hard way whatever it was. It about killed Hurricane to see those staples in his baby brothers head. He had to listen to him cry when I tried to wash the blood out and take care of the aftermath. And believe me - he had to be in the room during the care of that one. (Part of the "I knew he was lying" punishment you know.) Interested in what really happened that day? Seems that my youngest who has no fear or common sense at all wanted to play roller coaster. So Hurricane put him in a laundry basket and started swinging the basket around in circles in the air. Basket broke. B went flying out head first. B went head first into the corner of the fridge. 4 staples and an ER trip later- we were back home and Hurricane had already cleaned up all the blood in the kitchen. There wasn't a spot to be found.

Welcome to my life....

Kenny

One of the first foster kids I had was a 14 year old boy we'll call Kenny. Kenny lived with his dad. His mom was one of those worthless bio-mom types that was more interested in having sex with a million different guys and running around all over. His sister, Kim, lived with the grandparents although mom had custody. Don't ask me the why's because I don't know why dad didn't have custody of her too. The two kids didn't even reside in the same state. Kenny's dad had remarried that year and his new step-mom had 2 kids. A little boy about the same age as Kenny and then a young girl who was several years older. Kenny - became the odd man out. Her boy - was the step-mom's baby. No matter what the 2 boys argued over - it was Kenny's fault. The other little boy, we'll call Bobby, never did anything wrong in his mom's eyes. This situation snowballed for almost a year. Kenny and Bobby couldn't see eye to eye on anything. Every time they argued over a toy or a movie or a video game, Bobby's mom stepped in and Kenny was the one in trouble. Matters came to a head one day when they folks went away leaving the 2 boys at home. Kenny tied Bobby up to a chair and set a fire in the house and threatened to let it burn Bobby up. Yep folks, you read it right. He ended up untying Bobby and they put the fire out but Kenny had to go. Bobby's life had been endangered and that was the final straw for Bobby's mom.

And so, the troublemaker, Kenny, came to live with me. And that was the information I got from the dad and step-mom. Kenny was a troublemaker. He didn't do the chores set out. He was belligerent. He talked back. He argued. He wouldn't do anything he was told. He couldn't be left alone. He wouldn't do his school work. He was failing. He was worthless.

And I wasn't sure how good a fit Kenny would be with us. Tara was 3 at this time. Hurricane just about a new born. And here was this 14 year old boy who by all accounting from the dad and step-mom was a monster child. Ok- so all teenagers are monsters. This one was apparently the worst one ever created. Funny thing was. Kenny was a bright, smart, curious kid. He never in all the months he lived with me gave me a bit of trouble. He said yes ma'am and no ma'am. He helped with dishes ( and this is way before I ever had a dishwasher). He opened doors for me. He mowed the lawn without being asked. He played nicely with the kids and had way more tolerance for Tara than I did some days. I never saw one glimmer of the child described for me. Of course, in conversations with Kenny, his story about what life was like with dad and step-mom varied vastly from the stories I had gotten from the folks. Kenny saw Bobby as a spoiled brat and mama's boy that got away with anything and everything. Kenny was never good enough once Bobby, his sister and mom moved in. He was the odd man out. He lost everything. His room. His privacy. His dad. Dad worked all the time and believed everything that his wife told him about the boys and their fighting. So, all the time that Kenny got to spend with his dad - it ended up being his dad disciplining him for some transgression committed while dad was at work. I would have kept the kid till he turned 18 but eventually, mom heard that Kenny wasn't living with dad and she came down and took him. And I mean I had the boy for probably 8 months before his mom bothered to call and find out where he was. Kenny ended up living with his grandparents too but family is always the best option for kids. And the grandparents were financially stable and loved the kids to death. Kenny never saw his dad again. Dad and step-mom ended up divorced eventually. Bobby is in prison for life. I think he murdered someone although I don't know for sure. Yep - you read that right too. Bobby is doing life behind bars. I don't know whatever happened to Kenny and Kim although I'd love to know. The mom and grandparents lived in FL and that's where both kids ended up. Hey folks it's been almost 22 years ago. I don't remember what his last name was or I'd look on those social net working sites. And if any of you think I saved any paperwork from that time..... bwahahaha I've probably moved states 6 or 7 times since then. I have enough junk in this house that I need. I sure don't save things that are that old and that I don't need.

Funny though. I had mostly girls in those days. And I only took in one or two kids at a time. Kenny was the first boy I had and the only boy back then. As the years went on, I ended up with boy after boy. And all of my "strays" that have come to stay here have been boys. I've lost track over the years how many kids have come and gone from here. Not that I couldn't sit down and make a list. None of them have been forgettable believe me. Kenny and the fire is definitely one of the best stories. Was I some miracle worker with Kenny? Absolutely not. He just needed someone to listen to him. Seems to be a theme with all the kids I've had come thru here over the years. They just wanted someone to listen.

You know folks. Kids don't ask to be born. They have no say so in their lives till they're old enough to move out. We, as parents, are supposed to make the decisions that are best for our kids. But, where in there do we have the right to tell the kids how to feel? Can you imagine how hard it is for the kids? They aren't the ones that choose whether or not their parents get divorced. They're just told where they'll live and when they see the other parent. They don't choose whether or not mom and dad start dating or get married again. They don't get to choose their next family. It's decided and they're just supposed to adapt. And in 90% of the blogs I read- the kids are put first. The kids are in a better situation. And in some of the blogs I read, I'm not sure why the good Lord even let some of these bio-mom's have kids. And as wonderful as y'all are - I'm sure some of you have never dreamed of this other side of life. The step-parents (both mom's and dads) who come in and don't have any use or liking for the kids. The ones where the kids from the previous marriage can never win. They're not as smart or as athletic or as perfect as the step-parents children. Where the child may have already had an issue with self-esteem and finds him or herself in a situation where they just can't win. Where nothing they do is good enough. Maybe he or she reminds the new hubby or wife of the ex in some way. It's hard for you ladies who would never do these things to comprehend a world where a child is disliked just for being alive. And every thing that they do is seen in a negative light.

What experience has taught me with these youngsters is that mostly what they need when they've come to me is someone to listen. They just want to be heard. Teens may be monsters for the most part. But they are thinking and feeling monsters and most of them have reasons behind the crap they pull. Now, not that these reasons are anything that we'd think of in our minds because we've matured past that point and we, as adults, see things differently. But if someone just asks why? And is willing to listen. People might be surprised at the answers. Other than the fact that teens are hormonal monsters - most of the time, poor behavior tends to come from lashing out. Lashing out at something they see as unfair or at having their lives out of control. We, as adults, don't like it when we see that we haven't been treated fairly in life. Why is it ok for an adult to decide that they don't like a new steppie but not for a child to have those same feelings? How do we expect a child to handle it better than an adult? When, in some cases, they have no more say so in what's going on in a situation than a piece of furniture does. They're children so of course they have to just do as we say right? Or is it wrong? I have struggled to find that answer for years.

Now let the debate begin.... ;)

20 years ago

I married SD. Hard to believe that it's been that long ago. 11 years since I walked away. 20 years....

I was so young. Such a different person back then. I was so very trusting. Believed the best in everyone. My parents saw the instability and trouble in SD from the get go. But I was young, dumb and knew everything. He sang a good song. And he was smart enough to keep me away from his family. Because his family. They're nuts! One time his sister accused me of "stealing" her brother away from their family.

Couple of things have reminded me of those times here lately. I read something lately that reminded me of some of the stuff that my kids suffered thru. I've said before that I started reading step-mom blogs looking to prove to myself that my experiences with my kids step-mom were not typical. And in the majority of the blogs I've read- I found that proof in more ways than I ever imagined. I found women who stepped up and filled in the gaps where bio-mom's didn't deserve to carry the word "mom" in any way shape or form. I found women who gave their heart and soul to the kids of their hearts. I have found women who willing give up everything so that the kids that they love don't suffer. Women who suffer along with their kids when the bio-mom is abusive or neglectful or just plain ignorant. I've found women who support their men in fighting for equal rights and time with their children. And for the most part, I wish that my kids had had y'all in their lives. Of course, with most of you, You're too good for my idiot of an ex. And those blogs that I've found where the step-mom is jealous or resentful of the kids, I just click the little red x. Because those type women, well, I've dealt with one of those personally.

My kids were not blessed in the step-mom department with one of those loving, caring, selfless women (like the women in the blogs I read). She was jealous, insecure, scared of the past relationship between SD and I, scared of his love for his kids. She wouldn't let SD see the kids without her there. And well, a week after they found her in bed with their dad, they didn't have any inclination to see her. And SD, well, he said if they didn't want to see her than they didn't want to see him. The two were not the same to the kids. But in her insecurity, she thought that since she was going to be with SD, than it had to be the same. The kids had to accept her - Right. Then. She wasn't willing to give them the time to grow used to the situation. So we went ahead with our plans to move, and SD- well, he never spent time with the kids before I left. It would be FIVE years before he saw Little Man or Ice Cube again.

They got married during that first year after the divorce. Her kids were part of the wedding party. My kids? They weren't called about the wedding, informed that there would be a wedding or invited to the wedding. They wouldn't have known at all but I found out and sat them down and let them know. Then we went back that first year for court. And the judge gave him some supervised visits while I was in town. And I've chronicled the horror of those visits previously. And the new step-mom? The woman that was last seen by the kids running out of SD's bed? His visits with the kids? Had to be arranged around her schedule. That's right- her schedule. When she was available to come with. Because SD - their dad- the one actually with the visitation? He wasn't allowed to spend time with his kids without her there. Not. Even. 10. Minutes. She insisted on being up in every single bit of his conversation with the kids. She insisted on playing the "I'm his wife now" card. She, with every word out of her mouth, drove a wedge between SD and the kids. With her tales of her kids going to Disney and on a cruise with her and "their dad" (referring to SD as her children's "dad" while talking to my kids). Her tales of the wedding and her kids participation to my kids who weren't invited. Her referring to herself as "mom" to the kids while I was standing there. And during final go-round between SD and the kids, her inability to keep her mouth shut and stay out of it. I managed to step back and not say anything - until she started in with the kids. Well, then, I had to step in before Tara blew up and hit her. The same thing occurred with every phone contact. Not one time did the kids have a phone conversation with SD where she wasn't in the background putting in her 2 cents. Or her answering the phone insisting that the kids talk to her. She was so insecure in her relationship with SD. So afraid of him having a relationship with his kids that she wanted to be involved in all of it. Not only her, but cramming her kids down their throats too. And with every step she took to try and force them to accept her and her kids, she pushed the kids and SD further apart. The kids hated her. They hated her kids. And then they came to feel nothing. SD's failure to tell her to mind her own business. His failure to work on a relationship with the kids. His inability to tell her- give me 5 minutes to talk to my kids without either you or your children interrupting pushed them so far away that they quit caring. They quit trying to call. They quit trying to talk to him.

And now, 11 years later. They have no relationship with their dad. He's no longer a dad to them. He's a sperm donor. Its been over 5 years since they've heard from him. He's changed so much since they've seen him, I doubt the 3 younger ones would know him if they walked by him on the street. His failure to stand up for his kids. Her insecurity and jealousy. His failure to act like a parent. They've destroyed the most precious of relationships- that between a parent and a child. And them? They're divorced now. Her daughter got pregnant at 14. She still goes by there and visits SD. He's done more to maintain a relationship with her kids than he bothered to do with his own. Of course, ex-wife, Dawn, pushed and shoved and showed up at family events to make sure that her kids stay in his life. She had to. She shoved their dad out to replace poor Philip (their dad) with SD. His new gf that he's lived with for about the last 4 years. Well, she's no better than the last one. New gf , Monica, is the one that told the kids to go away and not "bother" SD.

20 years ago, I had such high hopes. You marry with all your hopes and dreams for the future. 20 years ago, I would have never dreamed that I'd have to travel this road. I would have never dreamed that I'd be traveling it alone as a single parent. I would have never dreamed that he would walk away from his kids. 20 years ago I thought he was my forever. 20 years ago, I thought he was the one. That we'd grow old together and play with our grandchildren together. 20 years ago, I thought we would conquer all. But that was 20 years ago.

Now I know that its me. I have done it. I survived it all. And I grew up. 20 years ago, I was a child living a dream. Now, I'm a grandmother and mother - and I survived the reality. And I have everything that he and I dreamed about 20 years ago. And he - has nothing.

Getting nekid

Some bloggers invite friends and family to read their blogs. Some share their thoughts with all their peeps (kid slang pretty cool huh?) I like the anonymity of the blog. Most of my real life friends don't even know that I know what a blog is. They don't know that I write. This is how I like it.

See, with anonymity, I can get nekid with my writing. I can be honest with myself and my writing. If some random Joe finds my blog and they don't like what I've written - well, tough toots. See the little red x in the corner- click it. And if some random anonymous person reads my blog and gets nasty with me- well, I lived 45 years of my life without knowing Ms anonymous and I can live the next 45 without missing them. I can bare my soul here and get honest reactions from some really great people. Yea, there's the occasional idiot that drops by. Someone that wants to judge and comes off sounding like a fool. But for the most part, the people that come by are like me. They're honest women, trying to figure life out and working at trying to keep things straight in their heads. And blogging helps us do that. Whether we're open and above board and share our lives with our real life friends, or we're using pseudonyms and staying anonymous or even if we password protect some or all of our stuff and only allow those trusted few in to our thoughts as we try to make sense out of what is sometimes senseless. When Tara found my blog and was stalking me, it changed my writing and I didn't like that one bit. Which is why I went to password protecting some of my posts. I found that I wasn't comfortable with being as brutally honest either about situations or with myself as I like to be. Ms Minnie calls it emotional writing. That's who I am here. Real life- I am Ms reserved. I don't like people in my business. I don't show weakness. Hey folks! I have 5 kids. One second of weakness and they would have eaten me alive! In real life- I'm a mom. That's it. That's the sum total of my existence. That's what I've done for the last 26 years.

In my blog- I'm Amy. I can be scared. I can be unsure. I can be sad. I can admit to my weaknesses and faults. I don't get a chance to do that in RL. My kids are quick to point out what they think my faults and weaknesses are. Funny thing is- most of the time, they are clueless. Their opinions of me have been formed by the history we have together. A lot of how they see me dates back to their childhood. And, I admit, when SD and I split up, I didn't let the kids see the pain. Not the tears or the insecurity or the absolute terror that I couldn't pull it off. I mean- what if I couldn't make it? I had to act like I knew what I was doing and act like I knew where we were headed so that they weren't scared. My crying I did in the shower. Looking back on it now- that was probably a mistake. Because to at least some of the kids, I'm not allowed to hurt (even physical pain). To some of my kids - they seem to think that I am emotionless. That was proven the night my Aunt Sharon died and Hurricane thought it was ok for Donna to blow up my phone being rude and disrespectful during a time that I was grieving. I think Little Man and B have more of a clue now. They know that there are nights that I can't sleep. Nights that my insomnia means that they are busted if they try to raid the fridge late at night. Do they know why? They're kids.

Someday days just roll on by without a gray cloud in the sky
She keeps telling herself, "I will make it on my own"
And her friends they've all gone back to their lives
Thinking she will be all right
As she races through the night to make it home

She's alive but can she survive the storm

Those are lyrics to a song that runs thru my head some nights. Some of those nights that I can't sleep. I used to pace the house. Now, I play on the net. I read your blogs. I write new posts. I sort things out in my head. And most nights, I'm not so lonely anymore.

The funny thing is ~ I think most of my faithful readers know me (the real me) better than my RL people do now. Here I have been safe to be me. I have been allowed to have feelings. Its not - here let me cry on your shoulder over my family, pet, relationship, life, nightmare, bad day but when its MY loss, death, fear, bad day - eh no big deal. Or the one I got from Donna when my aunt died "stop using your aunt trying to get pity". In RL - I am not allowed to be human. There is no one who cares when I have a bad day or a loss or am scared. No one that sees me in that light of vulnerability. Oh, I have friends. And there are some who would listen if I would let my guard down enough to talk. If I could catch one when they aren't too "busy". If that were my way and my personality - which it isn't. So, instead, I'll save my nekidness for here (oh and for you grammar police out there- yes, I KNOW that I have spelled it wrong- it was on purpose. OK? Great! Thanks!)

So, for those of you who keep coming back to my brand of crazy - thanks. Thanks for letting me get nekid.

And for those of you who are into pictures.... Check out MY OTHER SITE

I survived

First of all, I have power again. We were down from 3 am to after 8 PM. There were over 11,000 people out of power in this area. If I had a generator for the well house- I would have been good to stay down for a lot longer. The generator for the well house just moved up to the top of the priority list. I am just lucky that I didn't lose every water line in the house again. I made it thru- didn't commit homicide on either of my monsters- and lived to tell the story.

Now, lets play with some history again. SD has(had) 5 sisters and a brother. Or maybe it's has(d) 4 sisters and a brother. See, no one really knows who sister K's dad is. Her mom says it's the same dad as SD. Now, knowing K and her kids, I believe this. She looks absolutely nothing like the other 3 kids that her mom had with previous hubby. Sister T wants to believe that K is the daughter of 1st hubby and not her dad. I'm not really sure why this is so important to her as SD and T's dad is as worthless in the father department as SD is. Now as you may or may not have read before, SD has 2 sisters with mom. Sister S - who is certifiably loony and is also a drunk and drug user with a really sadistic streak and then Sister R - who has been married multiple times always to men who are in or headed to prison and has had 5 kids (3 she has with her, 1 that died at a month old and the last one CPS has had custody of since birth). Then he has 3 step-brother from dad. He also had Sister K, Sister T, Brother E (who is in prison) and Sister M. Sister M passed away several years ago from drug use. Sister K had 2 kids. Her daughter was raised by an aunt and her son has lived with his dad his whole life. Sister T has 2 boys. Sister M had 4 kids when she passed away. Sister T is raising 3 of the 4. The 4th one was with her dad's family until this last year and now she's in a group home for drug usage. She's 14. Yeah, bad right? She's court mandated into a drug program at 14. And folks, I don't mean she was smoking marijuana here. She went way past that.

Well, as I said- Sister K's son was raised by his dad. Sister K apparently has some drug issues too. I can't say for sure as I haven't seen her since Sister M's funeral. The son is the same age as Ice Cube. He spent a lot of time as Sister T's house growing up so my kids know him fairly well. Since we moved here, the son- we'll call him Cousin J, has been hanging out with Little Man. Cousin J comes to the town we live in every weekend while his dad works. Now, remember folks, this town probably only has 200 people in it if you count cattle. It is that small. So, rather than spend every weekend with his uncle while dad is gone to work, Cousin J (CJ) has been hanging out with Little Man. And that's fine with me. I've known the boy since he was born. I realize that he's not my nephew (he's SD's) but how do you turn off something like that off when you've known a kid every bit of their 19 years? No matter what my feelings towards SD or the rest of his nutty family - I have tried to be there for the kids if they wanted me around. Now, I won't go bothering those kids- not my business to do so. But, I have never told any of them to go away if they came looking for me either.

CJ has been here every weekend for about the last 6 weeks. He shows up on Friday and leaves Monday morn. He's been respectful and polite. His sense of humor is so much like my boys that I do a double take sometimes when he opens his mouth. He looks like my boys. And (most importantly in a grandma's eyes), he doted on Little Bit as much as Little Man and B did last weekend. Its almost funny, I have let Sister T know every time that Ice Cube and Ruth have brought the baby this way. Sister T was invited to the baby shower (she no showed). Of all the times that she's been invited to see the baby, she's seen him once. Her kids (including Sister M's) - haven't never gotten to see him. They don't get to see my kids either and when we moved here, we moved less than 30 miles from their house. Beside the point though. Tonight, due to the lack of electric, I took B down to the local diner for dinner. CJ and Little Man were off on CJ's 4 wheeler. I called them and told them where we were headed and told them to meet us there if they were hungry. Local diner- extremely reasonable. Cost us $21 for 4 people and I had shrimp and catfish. OK? Really reasonable.

I left and left the boys there with strict instructions to CJ (whose car they were in) that B was to be home by 11. Period. Not one minute later. They showed up here just after 10 and CJ came walking in with a left over box and started eating it cold. I pointed out that it might taste better warm. He didn't want soggy food from the microwave and I told him how to work the toaster oven. (sorry - soggy fries? YUCK) Sometime during this all, CJ said "Thanks Mom" or "Got it Mom" or something along those lines. Little Man asked him "did you just call my mom - MOM?" Not that Little Man was mad. He just said - that's your aunt. I pointed out that really, I wasn't his aunt and that CJ was welcome to call me anything he so chose to providing that he wasn't being disrespectful when he did it. This of course, brought up a conversation where I asked about his mom. I asked how Sister K was and told him that his mom might not be too happy if she heard him refer to me in that way. He told me that he doesn't call her "mom" anyhow. He calls her "K". Had Little Man not said anything, I would have just ignored it and not made any type of deal out of it. It's not the first time CJ has referred to me in that terminology. He did it last weekend too. None of my boys heard it and I just answered him and didn't mention it.

I really wish Little Man had not said anything. My boys don't realize how lucky they have it. They take me for granted on a daily basis. I'm too mean - too strict- I yell or bitch too much- etc. But for their friends who don't have moms (whether it be a bio-mom or a good step-mom who loves them like her own), those kids wish they had what my boys don't recognize that they have. Am I a "perfect mom"? I snorted diet coke out my nose even trying to type that. I make mistakes on a daily basis. I try not to- but I'm human. I do the best I can and I make the most informed decision possible with the facts at hand. Most of the time, someone is unhappy with me for my decision. On a good day- my boys refer to me as "cool". On a bad day- well, what they call me they had better hope I never hear I'm sure. But for CJ's sake- I wish Little Man had just ignored it. He wasn't hurting anyone. It wasn't bothering me. Shocked me I'll admit but I sure wasn't going to say anything and embarrass him. Will he do it again? I don't know. Should I discourage him? I don't know. I won't. I'm sure it will die a natural death. I haven't seen his mom in probably 6 years and I know he is not crazy enough to refer to me like that in front of her. The only person that might get upset were she to hear it is Sister T. And I mentioned that to him tonight. Any thoughts on the subject folks?

the adoption....part 3 (but never the end)

I finally got a response from bio-mom 6 days later. I had talked to her hubby the night before. I left a message with him and then she called me the next day. She was able to give me information like where he had worked, the name of the girl her married, who he lived with, the year he graduated, things like that. I composed an email and mailed it back to brother J. The next day, I got a response from him asking confirming that yes- that was his dad and would I like him to get a message to his dad for me.

Now, came the big qualms. How do you share that type of information? What do you say to someone who you are sure has no idea that you ever existed?

I sent him the following email:

Let me start by saying that I just wanted to meet y'all. I have a great life and great kids and I just wanted to meet y'all. Its actually your dad's kids that I would like to know about.

See, in 1964, a young lady named bio-mom was dating a young man named bio-dad. In March of 1965, she gave birth to a baby that she gave up for adoption. BM and BD broke up and both went on to have good lives and families. I am that baby all grown up and now a mother and grandmother.

I have really debated how to send or word this email. I'm sure it might be a really big shock for you. I really would just like to know about your family. BD's family. If you could see your way to maybe giving me any type of information or maybe even friending me on here, I would greatly appreciate it. I live in TX. I have no intention of ever bothering anyone who doesn't want me to. I really would just like some history for my children and grandchildren. I have a daughter and 4 sons. Tara is 24. Hurricane 21, Ice Cube 19, Little Man 17 and B is 14. I have a grandson who is almost 7 months old. I don't know if you're interested in any of that information or not. Feel free to call me - private name if you'd like - I don't need your number if you have any questions or would like to talk to me.

And then I waited. I wasn't sure if he would respond at all. I wasn't sure what type of response I would get if he did choose to respond. I know if it were me - I would have had to say: "Are you sure you have your facts right?" or "Can you double check your information" Or something else. I know that it would be a huge shock. And at this point, I thought that he was the son of the woman that bio-dad got pregnant while bio-mom was off having me. And things weren't really civil shall we say between bio-mom and this other lady. So, depending on who he talked to- I seriously expected a total blow-off. Imagine my shock and surprise when I got this in response:

WoW! And here I was thinking you were trying to invite him to a class reunion or somthing! I had no idea that any of that happened 45 years ago. I showed your pic to my wife and she (before I told her who you were) said we could be brother and sister! Same eyes, nose, lips, narrow face, etc... You have a beautiful family and I am really glad that you found me. I am more than willing to let you know anything about the family history that I can, but I must admit, I don't know alot. My Dad has, in his own words "Never been one to look back, just focus on the whats to come", and as such, I have never been able to find out much about the [last name] heritage. I know that his mom was from an Amish family (I met her once, on her deathbed in TN, when I was about 10) and his dad was of German descent. Dad had a brother who died back in the 60's in a car crash in Kokomo. And his sister, Aunt S, is still living with her family in TN. [wife 1] and him stayed married for a few years, had a son, and then divorced. Sometime later, he married my mom, they had me, and then about 6 years later, they divorced. He has never remarried after her and is retired from [company he worked at] these days. I have been married for 11 years now to my beautiful wife M and we have 2 and 1/2 children. [child 1] is 11, [child 2] is going to be 2 in March, and our newest addition, [child 3], is due in June. I'm not sure what else you may want to know, and must admit, my brain is still in shock somewhat and trying to process all of this. Regardless, welcome to the family, sis, and I look forward to getting to know you better!

This email was received 3 days ago. I responded to it. I haven't heard anything back yet although I know he's been online since. I may never hear from him again despite the ending of his email. That would be fine. He may have (by now) spoken to his mom and dad about this. I know I would sure be calling someone. I don't know how close he is to the other 1/2 brother. I emailed him too (although I haven't mentioned who I am - just asking if this was his dad) and have never heard back. The other 1/2 brother is apparently the son of the girl that bio-dad left bio-mom for while she was off having me. I don't know where this story will go next if anywhere. It may go no where. I had my happy ending a long time ago and this is not a necessity in my life. A nice bonus if it were turn into some sort of relationship - yes. Nothing more.

I have my life. I have my kids and my family no matter how much stress they might give me here and there - They're mine and no one can take them away. The boys at least. Tara- well, now she chose to walk away. I guess I stayed married to SD too long to save her. She chose to walk right back into that life style. After the experience that the kids and I have had with bio-mom, I know better than to expect anything from any of these folks. I know more than I did before I started this and that works. And maybe that doesn't make sense to any of y'all. But, that is who I am. Maybe that's why I let go to things/people so easily. That sense of never belonging and never fitting in. I created my own world and while I may let people in- I'm pretty good at shutting them out if they cause me too much stress too.

Well, for some reason, I decided that since I had to replace my shower curtain liner (a big thank you to puppy, Lucky, for eating my previous one!) I would wash the shower curtain and the clip things that hold it up. We also got to replace the toilet seat (another big thank you to Lucky for that) and I have all that to take care of today. Y'all have a great one. I'm sure that this story isn't over yet. We all know that there will be more. One way or another.

the adoption....part 2

I know just how lucky I was to have the parents that I had growing up. Bio-mom married a man and had a son. When her son was 6 months old, her husband threw him at a wall in a fight. She kept son from hitting the wall, walked out and never looked back. She ended up marrying a very nice man and they are still married today. Happily married. But between losing 4 babies between myself and her son and her hubby's ex kidnapping his kids and disappearing with them, they spoiled son to the point of rotten. Unable to accept responsibility of his own actions rotten. My parents married young and remained married till the day my dad died 6 years ago. My younger brother (also adopted) and I had a most stable home life with a nice white collar/country club/family vacation upbringing. However, that doesn't change how I felt as a child. My poor parents. They gave me everything in their power to give. They taught me to be responsible, they gave me a great education. I had my parents attention. Private lessons in anything that I wanted. And no sense of self worth. No matter how much they gave me- I was the odd ball. I didn't fit in. I didn't belong. What they couldn't give me- was the sense of belonging. I had to find that for myself. And it was a long and hard road I travelled to get to where I am now. People minimize what they call the "adoption syndrome". My girlfriend the other night tried to tell me that not having either bio-parent was the same as her dad walking out on her. She kept telling me that she "knew" what it was like to grow up with no one around who shared her DNA. The fact that she grew up with her mom and 2 sisters who had the same 2 parents as her- just kept escaping her mind. And I know how hard it is to have a dad walk out on you - not from my experience but from living thru it with my kids. And believe me - for any of you who have kids who have a missing bio-parent or who had a bio-parent who walked out on you- I am in no way trying to minimize what you went thru. Only try to explain how it was for me to be adrift in a world where no one looked like me or shared any of my interests or no matter how much they love(d) me - no one understood me. And I didn't understand myself. I will say again ... My poor parents. I was a nightmare to try and deal with as a teen. An absolute mess. And it took me a long time and having a family of my own to become who I am now. Because most of you - would have hated my younger self. I did.

I will say. That my mom supported my decision to find bio-mom 100%. She is a wonderful and strong woman and I'm really sorry that it took me so long to grow up enough to look past myself to see her for who she is. She gave me a letter of "non-identifying facts". This is all they were given at the adoption. He supposedly had this color hair and eyes. She supposedly came from a good family and was this tall with hair and eye color. In talking to bio-mom the other night, I really need to go pull that letter out of the safe and compare notes with her. They lied to bio-mom about it all. Told her that I was going to a banker and wife. My dad was never a banker. I have no idea how many other lies the agency told to try and prevent us ever finding each other. My mom (as was dad before he passed) has been totally supportive of my search. In every way. She knows that nothing can take away what we have.

In sitting online with a friend the other night. She asked if I had ever found bio-dad. The answer to that was a no. His number is unlisted. Even trips by bio-mom back to the town they both grew up in have been unsuccessful in locating him. I have looked here and there over the years. Never really whole heartedly. For whatever reason, I never had the overwhelming drive to find him like I did bio-mom all those years ago. Online friend (hey Dee!) gave me the website of a people finder. Well, it had been so long since I had thought about it all, I couldn't originally even remember the town they were from. I knew I would know it when I saw it after all those years of living in IN - so I went looking thru every person listed in that site that lived in that state with that last name. And I found the town. And I found the last name. But not one person listed with that first name. Well, out of boredom mostly - I went to my FB account. And I did a search for folks in that town with that last name. And I found several. And I started sending out emails. Very generic emails. "Hi. I'm looking for Mr. X who lived in Y town in 1965. By chance would you know him?" Nothing more. No use giving anyone a heart attack right? I sent out 5 or 6 emails of this sort. And I looked at their friends lists. I sent the same email to some folks with the same last name on their friends lists.

And the reply's started coming in. Several "nope sorrys". And then 2 yes responses. One came back a definite - Yes that's my dad. And a 2nd one that came back saying "Do you have any more information to see if we're talking about the same person". Well, and then began the waiting game. I wanted to get my facts straight before emailing this man back. Or the other one either. No use running to someone and saying "hey guess what and guess who I am" before making sure you're talking to the right person. That type of news is going to be hard enough to share without dumping it on some unsuspecting man who may not even be the right one. Unfortunately, repeated attempts to call bio-mom were unsuccessful. Both she and her husband have not been in the best of health in the past few years and I am not that close to her where anyone bothers to call me when they are ill. Or any other time for that matter. So, I waited. I kept calling - getting no response- and waiting more....

to be continued....

The adoption....part 1

For anyone who thought yesterday was a "bad" day. No, it was about par for the course

around here. LOL I just thought y'all would get a nice laugh out of my Murphy's Day.

Here's something that I bet y'all didn't know about me. I am adopted. Now, for those of you who are not adopted. This may sound like no big deal. And I've heard all the stories. I even had a friend of mine try to tell me the chosen baby myth tonight. Like I told her: Before you can be chosen- you have to be unwanted. I know, whine a little more Amy.

I had a hard time with being adopted growing up. My mom, dad and younger brother all had dark hair and brown eyes. I looked like the square peg trying to fit into the round hole with my blonde hair and blue eyes. This sounds like no big deal. But for a teenager trying to find their identity to start with - and one that struggled a bit even in a normal circumstances - this was something to dwell on. Of course, I don't remember ever hearing that I was adopted. Mom says that they told me. I don't remember. What I remember is having my 13 year old nose in some place that it shouldn't have been (like that's something new for a 13 year old right?). I was looking in dad's file box for some indian head pennies that he had. I wanted to show them to one of my friends. I just thought those old 1800 pennies were so cool. Stuck in that file box, were all the adoption cards and papers. I was already a horribly rebellious teenager. And when I found those- well, that just "proved" to my 13 year old self that I didn't belong. Following that discovery, I turned into the type of teenager that gives parents nightmares. I didn't find myself until years later when I had my own family. It took me having my own family to find the peace and contentment in my life. To find my sense of belonging.

I found my bio-mom after Tara was born. I had a very complicated pregnancy with Tara. High risk. I had gestational diabetes and the beginning of toxemia. Every time I went to a specialist, the first questions they asked me were about medical history. Well, I didn't have one. I didn't know if my parents or grandparents were still alive. I didn't know if there was a history of diabetes in our family or not. I didn't know about strokes, cancer or pregnancy problems. I couldn't tell the Dr's anything that could help my baby. I joined a search rights organization and eventually contact was made by a professional with bio-mom. At that point, bio-mom was married with a 12 year old son. She had never even told current hubby that I existed. The choice was given to her as to whether or not she wanted to go any further with any type of contact with me. She needed time to speak to her husband and let him know about her past. I was lucky. She had always expected that one day I would find her. She had always wanted to find her child. She just didn't think that she had the right to disrupt my life.

When she got pregnant, she was a 16 year old student. Her family was Quaker and that's how she was raised. When her parents found out she was pregnant, she was shipped off to a home for unwed mothers. The story given around town was that she had gone to stay with and help out a sick aunt. She was allowed to come home once for a weekend over the Christmas holidays but only because she wasn't showing yet. Once she had me and went home, she was never permitted to talk about the incident again. I was never allowed to be mentioned. Her mom, my bio-grandma, lived by that rule until just a few years ago. Even for years after I met bio-mom, bio-grandma refused to let her mention so much as my name. She didn't want to hear about me or my child(ren). Bio-mom and I, we speak but even after 20 years, we do not have a "close" relationship. After giving me up for adoption, she had 4 miscarriages. She thought these were her punishment for giving her baby up for adoption. When she finally had a son, 9 years after she gave me up, she thought he was her miracle baby. This has made her rather blind to any faults or trouble that he might have been in over the years. She and I have tried to have a closer relationship thru the years. We have just never had the background of childhood available to us to be able to work thru various misunderstandings. She's not quite sure what to make of me. And I, still sometimes find myself dealing with those childhood insecurities of never fitting in and tend to misunderstand her motives or reasons. For whatever reasons, we end up with frequent misunderstandings. Not that we don't care for each other, because we do. But there have been some doozies of misunderstandings over the years. And although she gave me the name of bio-dad years ago, I have never seriously looked for him or been able to find him on the rare occasions that I did look for his name. Until now....

to be continued....

Warning... long post

I got a call from the past today. Well, actually, it was an email on my myspace asking that I call a couple of kids of mine. There were originally 4 of these kids. The oldest daughter was one of my best friends despite being 10 years my junior. The 2nd daughter is Tara's age and was one of Tara's best friends before divorce. The younger boys is Hurricane's age and then child 4 was a boy who was a year older than Hurricane. Hurricane and Ice Cube were inseparable from the 2 boys growing up. All 4 kids vacationed with us after divorce and moving to Texas. Younger boy actually came down and lived with us for a while after his sister died. The sister that died was the older sister. She left a husband and 2 small children when cancer took her from us in 2005. And actually, that's not quite true. She was just shy of 5 years cancer free when we lost her. But she had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. The chemo and radiation killed her heart and lungs. She died waiting on a heart/lung transplant. They wouldn't give her one until she was 5 years cancer free and she did just less than a month of the anniversary that would have made her eligible for the transplant. These were my kids. All of them. No, I didn't give birth to them. But their parents had some issues back when and I was there feeding them and clothing them and listening to them when their parents were otherwise occupied. See- mom and dad got mixed up with drugs. And mom went to make a drug run for her dealer and got caught flying into New York's airport with 2 kilo's of cocaine. That my dear friends, is what's known as a federal felony. So, while oldest daughter was fighting for her life from cancer, and going thru bone marrow transplants all while trying to care for her 2 year old daughter- mom was going to court and headed to federal prison. And dad- well, he had drug issues of his own back then. I will say - he straightened out and did right by the 3 younger kids after our shining star died. And older daughter - I was there with her every step of the way. I went to Indianapolis with her and held her hand during treatment. Her hubby brought the baby over every single day when we weren't in Indianapolis with her and I fed and took care of both hubby and the baby every day. Even after the divorce and move, we stayed in close contact with her visiting us here in TX and us visiting them in Indiana. And I spoke to her from her hospital bed the day before her death. When she had to make sure to call me to tell me how very much she had loved me and appreciated every bit of time that I had been there for her when her mom wasn't. Her lungs were so weak that she could only get a word or two out at a time and then would have to stop talking to try to breathe. She was the most beautiful young woman. And the 3 younger kids. Well, they never gave me any trouble at all. I stayed close to all of them till about the time we moved. As luck would have it, we moved during a time when they lost phone service again.

Their mom is out of prison now but she still is and always has been selfish. She has never been there for the kids and from the phone call I had today, the relationship between her and the kids is damaged beyond repair. See, once she got out of prison, she never did figure out how to reconnect with her kids. She was in prison for 5 years. The kids grew up while she was gone. She got out and they didn't really "need" her any more. They loved her. They tried to include her- but all she could think about was herself. And when my shining star died- well, mom lost it. The guilt for what she had missed out on - ate her up. And then she got back involved with the guy that she had been running drugs for when she got arrested. And she called me about him. And y'all- I am not a pretty person when I get mad. I am horrible! And I could not believe that she would get mixed back up with the man who she was running drugs for when she got busted and missed the rest of her daughter life. And I was not very nice when I voiced my opinion of the whole matter. Not very nice at all.

I lost track of the kids when we moved as I said. The older of the 2 boys hunted me down and asked me to give them a call. Their dad passed away in his sleep in August. He was 3 years younger than I am. When the parents got divorced, mom got her car and dad got his truck. In the way of men (and someone who is too young to die and knows it), despite being given the truck in the divorce settlement, he never took mom's name off the title. Younger son, who still lived with dad at time of death, was driving the truck when dad was alive and the older 2 siblings told him that he could keep the truck as they both have their own vehicles. Mom came into town from whatever state she'd been living in and filed grand theft auto charges on younger son to take the truck. She didn't help with the funeral or the expenses. She didn't visit with her kids. She just came into town- took what she could get her hands on and left town again. The kids haven't talked to her since. Of course, at this point, its as much their choice as it is hers. But the death of their dad essentially orphaned these kids. The younger son will be a dad in May. He and his girlfriend are expecting a baby girl. He swears that his mom will never see either this child or any to follow. The daughter has 2 children. Her mom is banned from seeing them too. And hubby of the deceased daughter, won't let the mom anywhere near his 2 girls. I don't know how the older of the 2 boys feels as I haven't talked to him yet. He was at work when I got the message. He's due to be home any minute now and I will have a chat with him.

I have been feeling fairly down the last few days. My kids are growing up. I have spent 25 years raising kids. Mine and everyone else's. They're about all gone now. I'm not needed anymore. I've raised them well and they're all getting ready to fly the nest and make their own families. I've done my job. Problem is. What does that leave for me to do next? So those are my plans for the new year. I need to find something new for me to do to occupy myself. A new hobby shall we say. Something to sidetrack myself and a new hobby. I don't know what that will be yet. But that's my goal for the new year. That and staying healthy thru another year.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years Eve! I have no plans for tonight and will probably be in bed early. Happy New Year all!