Adoption .... part 2

      So, to continue... After my egg donor decided that lying to Tim and Shayna was a good idea, I had had enough.  She wasn't sorry at all.  It was all about her.  Her feelings were hurt.  I made her feel bad by asking her to not lie on me.  She went straight to Tim whining.  And she neglected to mention that she was playing little games because she needed him and his help since her son ruined his heart and body with drugs and can't help them at all.  Physically. He goes to the grocery.  Something that her husband used to do until he took so many falls.  But her husband needed help getting in the shower, and even getting into bed.  I was going over there and helping her.  I drove her to the doctor for a biopsy in the middle of an ice storm.  Over-night.  So many times we went out of our way to help her and she just expects it.  But she isn't my mom.  And when she made the comment that it was going to be "easier" with my mom gone now for wedding and holidays - that was just another nail in this particular coffin.    That just wasn't the way I was raised and I can't be around someone who took a selfish pleasure in my mothers death.  
      Would I recommend that people not look for the truth if they're adopted?  Absolutely not!  Was it an unpleasant experience on that side?  Yes - meeting my egg donor was an experience of yet more rejection, lies and hurt.  The lies?  Well the main one was that she claimed for years that her parents made her give her baby away and that she didn't have any choice in the matter.  She also spent all this time telling me how the guy that got her pregnant, a teenager named  Danny, refused to stand by her.  That while she was sent off to a home for unwed mothers to have the baby, he moved on and was dating someone else by the time she was a few months along.  That the last time she saw him, she was pregnant and he asked for his class ring back.  Well, the good side of all this has been meeting Danny's sons.  My biological half-brothers by him.  While meeting my biological half-brother on the maternal side was a total disappointment and he is not anyone I would choose to associate with for numerous reasons, it is the exact opposite with my half-brothers on the paternal side.  I have only spoken to the younger, Jon, but the older one, Scott, is my twin from another mother.  I met him at the worst time of my life.  He contacted me the night of my mom's viewing and said he knew it was an awful time but was I interested in meeting.  Yes, I was.  We met up at a restaurant and it was recognition on a different level.  We hung out that night and then I came back to Texas the next day.  Later that month, B and I went back to finish closing out mom's estate.  We got a rental truck and brought back a lot of mom's stuff.   We met up with Scott and Missy, his wife, and had a thoroughly enjoyable visit and lunch before we left.  His video collection is almost identical to mine and so is his DVR record list.  We like the same foods and enjoy the same things.  My boys say "mom, you finally have a brother that I like".  And they do like him and his wife both.  They've friended them on their social media.  They text with him.  They want him around their babies that are coming.  Scott and I can talk for HOURS and never run out of things to say.  We see things the same way.  We are the same with our families.  And I adore this man I am proud to call my brother.  The younger brother, Jon, I haven't met in person yet but we have spoken. He's married with 3 daughters.  One in college and 2 that are still young.  Jon and I share a love for travel and the outdoors but Jon is healthy and gets to do more than look at pictures.  He gets to travel and hike and climb the mountains that the rest of us only dream about.  He's brave and his family is living their dream.  Starting next month when the girls get out of school, his family is going looking for a new home.  They want to live somewhere closer to  the mountains, a place that has a good environment for the girls, close to a college that offers the degree their older daughter would like to pursue, and of course, where Jon and his wife can find jobs in their fields.  To do this, they have a list of places they would like to check out.  All close to national parks that they enjoy out west.  And they are going to spend 2 months camping in the parks and checking out these various places.  They're going to combine doing what they love in a responsible manner and they're living their dream.  And if they come through this way, maybe I'll get to meet him and his family in person.  
     As for their dad, my sperm donor,  I've never spoken to him and I've never met him.  Scott has asked me about it and at that time, I was still under the belief that he abandoned his pregnant girlfriend and hopped right into a relationship with the next one while she went thru everything alone.  You know - Pam (egg donors) pity her story that she's been selling for the last 30 years.  Well, when Scott confronted his dad about "Is there something you'd like to tell me that you've neglected to mention"?  Danny's story was he heard she was pregnant, but that before he could even talk to her she disappeared and he never heard from her again.  Pam, of course, denied it until the sh*t hit the fan with all this other stuff a few months ago.  And then, in the course, of a text message conversation, it all came out.  The truth.  The fact was that she had plans for life and she had things she wanted to do and a kid didn't fit into her plans.  Ok - fine.  That is a choice and she had the right to make it.  She didn't have the right to lie about it and essentially try to make herself look better or feel better by twisting the truth.  She didn't have the right to make her ex look worse than he is - I mean truth was - he was an irresponsible teenager and so was she.  And they were irresponsible teens during a time when "good kids" didn't talk about sex and would NEVER commit the crime of having it.  And "good girls" who messed up went to "visit relatives" (read got sent to homes for unwed mothers) and didn't come home until the baby was gone and given up for adoption.  They did not keep those babies.  Apparently Pam's brother got a girl pregnant and that girl gave her baby up too.  Seems to run in the family.  
     So, there's my adoption experience.  Not as bad as some.  Not as good as others.  Meeting someone who shares your genes but not your upbringing can go several ways.  I've seen horror stories way worse than my experience.  I've seen loving, caring stories about people who have had nothing but the experience like I've had with my brother, Scott H.  I designate him with the "H" because bio-mom also named her son Scott.  However, I don't claim that Scott.  I feel sorry for him but that sympathy I feel for his wasted life does not translate to any type of wanting this toxic person in my life. And at this point, that goes for his mother too.  However, I'm sure that avoiding her won't be entirely possible since she was invited to Tim and Shayna's baby shower.  But I am an adult.  There will be plenty of people there and I can be mature and polite and pretend I don't know her.  😎

   Yeah  I've posted more this week than I have in the past year.  Don't know how long I will feel like writing.  There have been a lot of changes in my life this past year.  1 new baby.  2 new ones on the way.  Losing my mom and in some ways Randy have all affected me.  And the fact that my egg donor, Pam, chose the time of my mom's death to be childish and spiteful didn't help matters any. So, I've turned to my blog because writing helps me.  And if my mistakes and experiences help anyone else at the same time - good.  But I don't do this for anyone but myself.  

Adoption

      I don't know if I ever mentioned it on here before but I'm adopted.  I was born in March of 1965.  I lived in a foster home until May when I was placed with my parents.  My mom and dad.  My "real" parents.  There is nothing more aggravating than having someone call the people who gave you away your "real" parents because that's not what they are.  They are donors.  They donated an egg and some sperm and that was the extent of their involvement.  My "real" parents are the ones that nursed me thru all those nasty childhood ailments, a cancer scare at 13 and all the teenage attitude and rebellion that I dished out.  They are the people that had to feed me with towels laid all around the rocking chair because I had a defective valve between my tummy and my esophagus and I regurgitated part of my food with every feeding.  Those were my parents.  Not some woman that got knocked up at 16 who didn't want a child to disrupt her life and future plans.  Not some man who never knew for sure that I existed until a few years ago.  
      I've met my biological mom.  My mom - my real mom- helped me to find her when I was pregnant with Kristi 33 years ago.  I had a high-risk pregnancy.  I had gestational diabetes and I was battling toxemia.  Every different specialist I had to deal with and every trip to the hospital, I was asked about family medical history.  Something I didn't have any knowledge about and no access to.  So mom helped me find out the info.  And bio-mom, Pam, claimed she wanted to develop a relationship.  And it's been more of an on again/off again thing.  She has a son.  He's 44.  Still lives at home with his mom and dad.  Has never had a real relationship or a real job.  He is totally dependent on his mom and she wants it that way.  The only problem with that is that when she dies - he has nothing.  Even though he will inherit everything they have, that won't support him for the rest of his life and he can't even hold a job at a fast food pizza joint.  He worked 20 hours a week for one of those mainstream pizza companies answering the phone.  For one, he had to take a nap before a 4 hours shift answering the phone.  And then he got fired.  He has the people skills of a porcupine.  He would brag to the kids about how he would "tell his bosses how it was going to be" and didn't care because he thought they couldn't fire him.  He was working a job that most high school kids had too much experience to take.  And he couldn't hold it.  So next was a fast food restaurant.  He told them that he moved to his current area after "selling the bar he owned so he could take care of his parents".  None of which was true.  He didn't have a job before moving to their current area.  He was in drug rehab.  He's been fired - with cause- from most of the national fast and casual food chains.  His mom always makes an excuse for why he loses his job.  Nothing is ever his fault.  I am so glad this woman didn't raise me!  
      My parents taught me to accept responsibility.  My parents taught me right from wrong.  They taught me that life doesn't always go my way.  They taught me that it's ok to make mistakes.  To take responsibility from them and that I'm human.  That I need to learn from them and try not to repeat them.  They taught me that they would still love me even when I messed up.  And my mess ups were brilliantly epic.  I found new and improved ways to rebel and make a mess of things.  And they taught me to pick myself up, dust myself off, and to try again.  Mostly they taught me that love doesn't have boundaries.  That I could mess up and they would still love me no matter how awful I was.  Her son - he doesn't know any of this.  His mom - her love comes with strings attached.  It isn't never-ending - it's conditional on whether or not he jumps to her drummer.  She holds the purse strings, she determines his sense of self-worth.  And nothing they do is ever good enough.  And by they - I mean her husband too.  He fell one day and I took him to the clinic.  He just kept apologizing.  She was being so mean to him accusing him of doing it to himself by forgetting to take his potassium.  So when we went to the clinic, they checked his levels.  He was perfectly fine.  It wasn't anything he did or forgot to do.  It was simply old age.  He's over 70.  He's not as healthy as he used to be.  This is just how she is.  And both her son and her husband - they accept this treatment without batting an eye.  It's their normal.  
     So would any of you like to guess how well that works with me?  Yeah... it doesn't.  I have a sense of self-worth.  I don't jump to anyone's demands.  I am me.  I am content with my life and content with who I am and I don't need anyone's approval to validate my self of self worth.  I don't need (or want) her money.  I never expected to see any of it.  She wanted to play "let's pretend".  Let's pretend she was my only mom (never).  Let's pretend she raised me (not even close to true).  Let's pretend to all her friends that she didn't dump a child for her own convenience (she's still living that lie with her friends or they don't know I exist at all).  Lord knows it's good that I never wanted to play her little games and never expected anything from her because for all her fakeness where other people are concerned - she has never treated me like "family".  My birthdays and Christmas' have mostly been ignored.  There has never been anything resembling any type of family unity nor has she ever treated me like she has her son.  Which is a good thing because I love the fact that I am an independent woman and that I'm not dependent upon her.  She pretty much ignored my kids existence over the years too.  Her son - no kids.  Probably a good thing since he's never grown up himself.  But then her husband started falling and couldn't get to the shower or bed without help.  And her son couldn't help him. And in my stupidity, I asked Tim to help them once.  And once turned into an everyday abuse of my son's goodwill.  
     And then we found out that Tim was going to be a daddy.  And he took his pretty girlfriend over there.  And Pam - biomom- played her little "let's pretend" games with his girlfriend.  Telling stories about the kids when they were growing up.  But the problem was - she wasn't there.  She doesn't know what the kids were like growing up because she didn't want to be bothered with me or my kids.  But that didn't stop her from creating lies to tell Tim's girlfriend.  Lies about me and lies that made me look bad.  Some sort of little game to shine herself in a better light with Tim's girlfriend whom we barely knew.  And then when she was called out on her little games, she cried pity poor her - her poor wittle feewings were hurt that she got busted out.  No regard for my feelings or the fact that her lies embarrassed me with the woman who is going to be the mom to my granddaughter.  No regard to how my other children (whom she was also lying on) felt about the lies she told about them.  No regard for the damage that she did in our family and the issues she caused.  Now, our family has been thru worse and we will recover and survive.  We have survived and the recovery is underway.  Her little games to try and cause irreparable harm failed.  All her games and manipulation accomplished were that B, Amy, Jay and Dani have had nothing to do with her.  Elmer doesn't know her but superficially.  He's only seen her twice his whole life, he doesn't remember her, and he won't notice when he never sees her again.  Bio-mom doesn't get that her actions caused all this and she doesn't accept responsibility for it.  You can see where her kid gets it from.  Making me thankful - yet again - that she's not my "real" mom.  That she gave me away so that I could have good parents and a good life and learn all the things that are so important about love and responsibility that they taught me.
    Mothers Day is this weekend.  My first without my mom.  The pain is real.  So is the longing for my mama.  Wanting her to be here - to hear her voice.  To feel that sense of security that always came with talking to her.  That knowing she was always on my side.  I can't begin to tell you the number of ways I miss my mom .... not just on Mothers Day but every day.  My life just isn't the same since she passed.  And I've spent a year trying to find a new normal.  One day I'll figure it all out.  

random updates

~ Its been over a week now since I've heard from my half brother. The older of the two added me to his friends list on that online friends site too. Now, I still don't know if he added me because younger brother told him who I was- or if he just adds everyone. I emailed him too. And, like younger brother, no response. I'd like to tell everyone that this doesn't bother me. That I don't think about it. That wouldn't be true. I know I'm not missing any thing. I've lived almost 45 years without having either of these men in my life. I don't know them so its not like I miss them. So, I'm not hurt. But I am still curious. I still have questions that it would have been nice to have answered. And maybe I'll get my answers. Maybe they're checking me out. Thinking about the situation. Only time will tell.

~ Little Man made a trip back towards old town on Sunday before the Super Bowl. Its been one year since his best friend died. His old group of friends all made the trip down to the grave site. The group has basically fallen apart this last year. Some of them (not just Little Man) have moved away. In the way of high school kids, some of them have moved on to other clicks. I will tell you that most of them still use RIP *kids name* as their online status. Little Man did not handle the day well. For those of you who may be new readers or don't remember the story.... This young man and a few friends were out late one night screwing around. An adult came out yelling at the boys (we're talking noisy kids after midnight here folks) and the boys all broke and ran. LM's friend went to jump a fence and sliced open his femoral artery. It was one of those wrought iron fences. The ones that look like an upside down heart. The found the kid at 8 the next morning. Dead. Little Man was just getting out of bed when he got the call. He called into work that day and got fired. (thank you so much su^*ay). The group all missed several days of school over this. Little Man was a wreck for months. He blamed himself for his friends death. Apparently, he had been invited to go hang with the kids that night and didn't feel like going out since he worked that night and had to be back in the next morning. He thinks that if he had gone over there - his friend would still be alive. I have told him 1000 times that if he had gone- he would have just been out getting into trouble with the rest of them. It doesn't help. Time and moving have helped some although he still has a shrine to this young man in his room.

~ The poor guinea pig passed on to that big animal heaven in the sky today. I knew that there was something wrong with him yesterday. I had given him some carrots and he didn't run making all his guinea pig noises of happiness when I put them in his cage. He didn't eat them at all. Poor Cartman. (hey! we didn't name the poor thing- we inherited it with the name). And no, I didn't give him a big fancy funeral. I'm not a sentimental type person. I have a friend who has pet rats and when one dies she saves it so that they can cremate them. She is a very caring person with her animals. I am more of a realist. Well, except where my Smokey was concerned. That was my dog. I still miss him although Lucky does amuse me somewhat. So RIP Cartman.

~ The Insurance company sent us 7 pages of things to fix from our flood last month. 7 pages. Vis made it thru about 3 pages and as she hadn't seen the damage, she was at a loss to know where to go next. A lot of what needs done, I can take care of myself. Things like painting the hallway. They budgeted it at over $100 - I can do it myself for the cost of a gallon of paint. Now, don't think I'm getting out of this one easily. There are 7 pages and over 3 grand in damages from this nice flooding issue. But, I will have a lot of new floor when its all said and done. ;)

~ I feel for all my friends on the east coast that are getting hammered with that white stuff that falls from the sky and sticks to the ground. My mom said they're getting a boat load of it too. If it makes y'all feel any better, we are supposed to get some on Thursday. Of course, its supposed to be almost 50 by Thursday afternoon so all the white stuff and ice that we're supposed to get in the morning, well, it will be gone by afternoon. Which means instead of 4 inches of mud on the ground, we'll have 6. But at least we won't have snow. ;)

the adoption....part 3 (but never the end)

I finally got a response from bio-mom 6 days later. I had talked to her hubby the night before. I left a message with him and then she called me the next day. She was able to give me information like where he had worked, the name of the girl her married, who he lived with, the year he graduated, things like that. I composed an email and mailed it back to brother J. The next day, I got a response from him asking confirming that yes- that was his dad and would I like him to get a message to his dad for me.

Now, came the big qualms. How do you share that type of information? What do you say to someone who you are sure has no idea that you ever existed?

I sent him the following email:

Let me start by saying that I just wanted to meet y'all. I have a great life and great kids and I just wanted to meet y'all. Its actually your dad's kids that I would like to know about.

See, in 1964, a young lady named bio-mom was dating a young man named bio-dad. In March of 1965, she gave birth to a baby that she gave up for adoption. BM and BD broke up and both went on to have good lives and families. I am that baby all grown up and now a mother and grandmother.

I have really debated how to send or word this email. I'm sure it might be a really big shock for you. I really would just like to know about your family. BD's family. If you could see your way to maybe giving me any type of information or maybe even friending me on here, I would greatly appreciate it. I live in TX. I have no intention of ever bothering anyone who doesn't want me to. I really would just like some history for my children and grandchildren. I have a daughter and 4 sons. Tara is 24. Hurricane 21, Ice Cube 19, Little Man 17 and B is 14. I have a grandson who is almost 7 months old. I don't know if you're interested in any of that information or not. Feel free to call me - private name if you'd like - I don't need your number if you have any questions or would like to talk to me.

And then I waited. I wasn't sure if he would respond at all. I wasn't sure what type of response I would get if he did choose to respond. I know if it were me - I would have had to say: "Are you sure you have your facts right?" or "Can you double check your information" Or something else. I know that it would be a huge shock. And at this point, I thought that he was the son of the woman that bio-dad got pregnant while bio-mom was off having me. And things weren't really civil shall we say between bio-mom and this other lady. So, depending on who he talked to- I seriously expected a total blow-off. Imagine my shock and surprise when I got this in response:

WoW! And here I was thinking you were trying to invite him to a class reunion or somthing! I had no idea that any of that happened 45 years ago. I showed your pic to my wife and she (before I told her who you were) said we could be brother and sister! Same eyes, nose, lips, narrow face, etc... You have a beautiful family and I am really glad that you found me. I am more than willing to let you know anything about the family history that I can, but I must admit, I don't know alot. My Dad has, in his own words "Never been one to look back, just focus on the whats to come", and as such, I have never been able to find out much about the [last name] heritage. I know that his mom was from an Amish family (I met her once, on her deathbed in TN, when I was about 10) and his dad was of German descent. Dad had a brother who died back in the 60's in a car crash in Kokomo. And his sister, Aunt S, is still living with her family in TN. [wife 1] and him stayed married for a few years, had a son, and then divorced. Sometime later, he married my mom, they had me, and then about 6 years later, they divorced. He has never remarried after her and is retired from [company he worked at] these days. I have been married for 11 years now to my beautiful wife M and we have 2 and 1/2 children. [child 1] is 11, [child 2] is going to be 2 in March, and our newest addition, [child 3], is due in June. I'm not sure what else you may want to know, and must admit, my brain is still in shock somewhat and trying to process all of this. Regardless, welcome to the family, sis, and I look forward to getting to know you better!

This email was received 3 days ago. I responded to it. I haven't heard anything back yet although I know he's been online since. I may never hear from him again despite the ending of his email. That would be fine. He may have (by now) spoken to his mom and dad about this. I know I would sure be calling someone. I don't know how close he is to the other 1/2 brother. I emailed him too (although I haven't mentioned who I am - just asking if this was his dad) and have never heard back. The other 1/2 brother is apparently the son of the girl that bio-dad left bio-mom for while she was off having me. I don't know where this story will go next if anywhere. It may go no where. I had my happy ending a long time ago and this is not a necessity in my life. A nice bonus if it were turn into some sort of relationship - yes. Nothing more.

I have my life. I have my kids and my family no matter how much stress they might give me here and there - They're mine and no one can take them away. The boys at least. Tara- well, now she chose to walk away. I guess I stayed married to SD too long to save her. She chose to walk right back into that life style. After the experience that the kids and I have had with bio-mom, I know better than to expect anything from any of these folks. I know more than I did before I started this and that works. And maybe that doesn't make sense to any of y'all. But, that is who I am. Maybe that's why I let go to things/people so easily. That sense of never belonging and never fitting in. I created my own world and while I may let people in- I'm pretty good at shutting them out if they cause me too much stress too.

Well, for some reason, I decided that since I had to replace my shower curtain liner (a big thank you to puppy, Lucky, for eating my previous one!) I would wash the shower curtain and the clip things that hold it up. We also got to replace the toilet seat (another big thank you to Lucky for that) and I have all that to take care of today. Y'all have a great one. I'm sure that this story isn't over yet. We all know that there will be more. One way or another.