the adoption....part 2

I know just how lucky I was to have the parents that I had growing up. Bio-mom married a man and had a son. When her son was 6 months old, her husband threw him at a wall in a fight. She kept son from hitting the wall, walked out and never looked back. She ended up marrying a very nice man and they are still married today. Happily married. But between losing 4 babies between myself and her son and her hubby's ex kidnapping his kids and disappearing with them, they spoiled son to the point of rotten. Unable to accept responsibility of his own actions rotten. My parents married young and remained married till the day my dad died 6 years ago. My younger brother (also adopted) and I had a most stable home life with a nice white collar/country club/family vacation upbringing. However, that doesn't change how I felt as a child. My poor parents. They gave me everything in their power to give. They taught me to be responsible, they gave me a great education. I had my parents attention. Private lessons in anything that I wanted. And no sense of self worth. No matter how much they gave me- I was the odd ball. I didn't fit in. I didn't belong. What they couldn't give me- was the sense of belonging. I had to find that for myself. And it was a long and hard road I travelled to get to where I am now. People minimize what they call the "adoption syndrome". My girlfriend the other night tried to tell me that not having either bio-parent was the same as her dad walking out on her. She kept telling me that she "knew" what it was like to grow up with no one around who shared her DNA. The fact that she grew up with her mom and 2 sisters who had the same 2 parents as her- just kept escaping her mind. And I know how hard it is to have a dad walk out on you - not from my experience but from living thru it with my kids. And believe me - for any of you who have kids who have a missing bio-parent or who had a bio-parent who walked out on you- I am in no way trying to minimize what you went thru. Only try to explain how it was for me to be adrift in a world where no one looked like me or shared any of my interests or no matter how much they love(d) me - no one understood me. And I didn't understand myself. I will say again ... My poor parents. I was a nightmare to try and deal with as a teen. An absolute mess. And it took me a long time and having a family of my own to become who I am now. Because most of you - would have hated my younger self. I did.

I will say. That my mom supported my decision to find bio-mom 100%. She is a wonderful and strong woman and I'm really sorry that it took me so long to grow up enough to look past myself to see her for who she is. She gave me a letter of "non-identifying facts". This is all they were given at the adoption. He supposedly had this color hair and eyes. She supposedly came from a good family and was this tall with hair and eye color. In talking to bio-mom the other night, I really need to go pull that letter out of the safe and compare notes with her. They lied to bio-mom about it all. Told her that I was going to a banker and wife. My dad was never a banker. I have no idea how many other lies the agency told to try and prevent us ever finding each other. My mom (as was dad before he passed) has been totally supportive of my search. In every way. She knows that nothing can take away what we have.

In sitting online with a friend the other night. She asked if I had ever found bio-dad. The answer to that was a no. His number is unlisted. Even trips by bio-mom back to the town they both grew up in have been unsuccessful in locating him. I have looked here and there over the years. Never really whole heartedly. For whatever reason, I never had the overwhelming drive to find him like I did bio-mom all those years ago. Online friend (hey Dee!) gave me the website of a people finder. Well, it had been so long since I had thought about it all, I couldn't originally even remember the town they were from. I knew I would know it when I saw it after all those years of living in IN - so I went looking thru every person listed in that site that lived in that state with that last name. And I found the town. And I found the last name. But not one person listed with that first name. Well, out of boredom mostly - I went to my FB account. And I did a search for folks in that town with that last name. And I found several. And I started sending out emails. Very generic emails. "Hi. I'm looking for Mr. X who lived in Y town in 1965. By chance would you know him?" Nothing more. No use giving anyone a heart attack right? I sent out 5 or 6 emails of this sort. And I looked at their friends lists. I sent the same email to some folks with the same last name on their friends lists.

And the reply's started coming in. Several "nope sorrys". And then 2 yes responses. One came back a definite - Yes that's my dad. And a 2nd one that came back saying "Do you have any more information to see if we're talking about the same person". Well, and then began the waiting game. I wanted to get my facts straight before emailing this man back. Or the other one either. No use running to someone and saying "hey guess what and guess who I am" before making sure you're talking to the right person. That type of news is going to be hard enough to share without dumping it on some unsuspecting man who may not even be the right one. Unfortunately, repeated attempts to call bio-mom were unsuccessful. Both she and her husband have not been in the best of health in the past few years and I am not that close to her where anyone bothers to call me when they are ill. Or any other time for that matter. So, I waited. I kept calling - getting no response- and waiting more....

to be continued....