It's almost done!

      Today was a hard day for me on many levels.  Today would have been my dad's 75th birthday.  Would have been.  My dad was a very special guy.  He was one of the first 2 groups of computer programmers trained in the US.  He and my mom were married just shy of 50 years.  That in itself is a major milestone in today's day and age.  Dad's been gone 6 years now and mom still wears her wedding ring.  When SD and I split up, Dad stepped up to try and fill the void in the kids lives left by SD's desertion.  Dad never missed a milestone, a birthday or just a call to see how they were.  He was the only stable male influence in the kids lives and he has been sorely missed.  By all of us.  


     Today was also my day for the pain clinic.  Guys, I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate my monthly trip to that place.  They usually over-book.  I am usually there for somewhere around 3 hours.  There is usually no place to park or sit.  And I have to bribe one of my kids to go with me every month.  I told that it's usually a night mare.  Imagine my surprise today when I pulled in and there was only one other car in the parking lot.  I thought I was in the wrong place.  I will admit that that was the easiest and fastest I have ever been in and out of that place.  Now, I don't know what anyone knows about going to pain clinics.  These guys are not going to operate to make it all better.  They are solely there for long term pain management.  They are specially trained to hopefully keep you comfy.  Personally, I like comfy.  I did tell the doc about the medicine that they gave me at the hospital when my back locked up.  He asked me if it helped.  I said "oh yes!".  Because it did.  For my back at least.  It  doesn't do anything to help out my knee( s, ankles, arms, etc) but it's great for the muscle spasms in my back.  Nice pain doc wrote me a prescription of it.  Yeah him!  I was a bit on the paranoid side to take the last few I had from the hospital for fear that my back would start doing it's thing again and I'd be on the floor crying like a baby again.  Now, I feel a bit more confident and able to push myself a bit more.  Ok there- no comments from the peanut gallery about over-doing it!  I said push myself a bit more.  Not that I was going to start hefting freezers onto my back or climbing trees.  LOL  I was pleasantly pleased when I spoke to them about what was going on with my orthopedic doc too.  They will really work with those docs.     They were able to change up my appt for next month to be able to work around the tests I had already scheduled too.  That was a big plus for me!


      I stained the trim for the bathroom floor today.  Well, actually, I don't know if trim is really what its called.  Its the stuff that goes over the seams where like carpeting comes together with the wood flooring.  The stuff you put in the doorway.  Anyhow, I stained it.  It's drying and tomorrow it will be up.  Say ... Yea me!  I am this close to having it all done in that part of the house.  So many details to take care of.  Of course, if we hadn't of replaced plumbing and stuff, it would have gone faster but...  What can I say.  It only made sense to replace the leaky plumbing while we were at it.  For those of you who think that I'm a jack of all trades- believe me, you'd never hire me.  I'm good at the cover up.  Kids put a hole in the door and you can't afford to replace the door what do you do?  You print out pictures of their favorite ball team and mod podge them all over the door - including the hole which effectively hides the hole.  Does it look better than what it did?  Definitely yes!  Does it look pretty darn good?  I think so (but now remember it's my sweat, tears, mashed and black and blue fingers we're talking about).  So much of remodeling is do something and wait.  Like today, I stained that trim type stuff.  Well, now I sit around and wait for it to dry.   I also have to paint the quarter round for the floor trim.  That will also me a hurry and paint it - then sit around and wait for it to dry type deal.  Hopefully, but Weds, I will be ready to start the back hallway.  And won't that be fun.  NOT.  Before I can go to work down there, I have to bed the children to pretty please move the extra fridge some place else.  Now, were I an able bodied type person with nothing else to do in life but work on that- I'm sure that it would get done quicker than I have gotten it done.  But.. As I am a disabled wench with only about 1/10 of my body functioning at a decent level - the fact that it's getting done at all is a minor miracle and people out to be just dagplum happy.  


  Well, folks, My knees are crying for mercy.  They cried uncle a couple of hours ago.  I'm going to take pity on them and actually take my medication.  B is with Kristi at work.  I think Little Man drove up there too.  I am, once again, home alone.  I'm going to sit here and read for a bit.  Y'all have a great night now!  

random updates

Good morning all! Please don't forget that if you start seeing someone from embarqhsd.net on your site meter from Killeen, TX - that is our good friend Tom and family. Tom has, of course, moved back home with his mom and so you may see more than 1 hit a day from that IP as there are multiple people from that house that have no life and therefor have to live thru mine.

I was asked yesterday: What happens now with the doc? Well, they wanted me to get this test done today but as I felt the need to get home and didn't want to stay another couple days I'm going back next month and getting it done. They are going to stick this big ugly needle in my knee and make me miserable while they look to see where all this dye goes that its not supposed to. I bet you just can't imagine why I would put that off a week or 5 can you? Personally, I could pass on that whole idea. I'm thinking... big needle = pain. I don't much care what they do to me when I'm asleep but awake... That's a whole different story! After that, later that afternoon, I will get to see my brilliant doc. He will give me the option of this or that. Troy wanted me to get the test done immediately because - well, he couldn't figure out how I'm still walking. I told him: "one step at a time of course" ;) Is there another way to do it? Depending on how bad it looks when they get the dye study back, they may be able to go in there and clean it up some more, put a fake padding type thing in there, or we may be at the point where they have to try and replace the knee and start turning me bionic. The doc wanted to avoid that as long as possible because of how young I am. I hear that those bionic knees have a limited life expectancy and the doc really didn't want to have to put more than 1 in because the ligament and tendon issues that caused the original bones to get like this will make his job "interesting" (yeah - that's the word he used. Makes me feel real confident about this surgery...yep it does) My back problem - disease acting up. Will it happen again? Oh most likely. I could sneeze and have it do it again. My opinion on that? It can just shut up and leave me alone while I live my life. I've got things to do.

Kristi and Tom? Oh, he's Mr. Manipulative. Tuesday night- he denied everything about OK and called Little Man a liar. Yesterday, his "AA and counselor said he has to own up to his mistakes to be able to move on". Of course, he hasn't gone to AA by his own admission so that part of it was total BS. Oh yea, part of the 12 steps is to own up to those who you have wronged. But do I think he had an awakening in less than 24 hours? Not a chance. It's all part of his games. He admits that he wasn't a good husband. We all know that he destroyed the last 3 years of her life. He claims to love her. Claims that we all know are false. See, here's the truth of the matter. He knows that he's ripping her apart. He knows that all the issues between he and her brothers- his fault. He abused children. LM - 15 at the time. Ice Cube- 16 at the time. B - was 12 when all this started and he had to be subjected to the drinking and the screaming and cussing and get drug out at midnight to go rescue his brother from a safe house over 100 miles from home. I've discussed how that affected LM before. Tom did admit that he was abusing Kristi that night and that LM was doing nothing more than standing up for his sister. He, of course, denied threatening to kill LM. A denial that I don't believe. He knows that the damage done between himself and her brothers - permanent. That there is no turning back the clock. That his abuse and drinking destroyed any chance of him ever being accepted by them. Yet, he still keeps tearing her apart trying to get her to go back to him and lose her family. Her brothers have told her that they're done with her if she goes back. Tom cost her 3 years of her brother's lives. She doesn't want to lose watching her nephew (and the nieces and nephews to come) grow up too. She's stated that. If Tom loved her- he'd let her go. Quit tearing her apart. He won't. Proves that he doesn't. Words are cheap. His actions show the truth just like all the times in the past.

The boys? Doing good. Schooling - going good. They've been hanging out at the house joking around and helping out. As soon as I get a chance to get into the big town near by, I need to pick up a few things to finish up stuff around here and then I've got some fun for them to play with. ;) Don't know how much fun they'll consider it all but... they'll get physical education out of it.

The chickens started laying eggs. We got almost a dozen yesterday. There were 8 out there in the morning and then 2 more when I went to put them up. Unfortunately, that means they're probably laying during the day and we're losing some because they're laying them around the yard. I need to work on that problem too. But what I need to get to fix it- once again in the larger town and I need to go make a trip there which is an undertaking that I'm not ready for just yet. Oh for a good laugh this morning.... I hard boiled some of the fresh eggs last night for the salad for dinner. B looks at us and says: "What do these eggs taste like?" Kristi answers him "eggs". And we all laughed at him. He just wasn't sure about this all. It was hilarious. I think he was afraid that they were going to taste different or something.

Off to the races. I have one cabinet in the bathroom left to paint. Then I have a little bit of touch up to do. Then we lay the rest of the floor. We are so close to having those 2 rooms completed. AC guy will be here today to take care of cleaning out the ducts and the AC guy knows a guy who will come take care of the insulation under the house. I really want to have it all completed before I go in for surgery. Keep smiling all!

edited to add: I sit here now biting my tongue in half as my daughter is in tears while Mr Abusive Tom tears her down further. She told him her brothers will never accept him (an absolute truth) and that she can't lose them. He steadily manipulates and makes her cry while jerking her chain (and yes I know she needs to just change the number - not call him and make a clean break!) but like I said- if he loved her like he steadily lies and claims- he wouldn't do this to her. People live thru divorce. They live thru the loss of their children. Tom has done both. Its a shame that he doesn't spend as much time and effort in trying to become a parent to his children as he does making my daughters life hell. The more he hurts her - the more certain it becomes that 1. he has not changed and 2. we will never accept him. And folks, don't take this wrong but we live in prejudice town USA in the south - my boys would accept her dating a black man and deal with all the talk and embarrassment of that sooner than they would accept Tom.

Welcome to Amy's world of crazy

I'm going to have a hard time writing this update. Let me start out by saying that the doc's visit was fun. Cathy is a blast. We have a great time together. And Troy, the doc's assistant, is great. He thinks we're funny when we're making jokes about my condition. When they came in with the 4 page results of my MRI, we were joking that "the longer the better right?" Yeah- the longer the report - the more they found wrong. That's just me and Cathy keeps me laughing even when it's bad news. And today- bad news. They did xrays. The knee has degenerated to the point that you no longer need an MRI to see the damage. It's visible on the xray. The cute little puffy stuff that's supposed to cushion the leg bones from each other and be the shock absorber in your knee- mine is gone. They said that I was stage 3 on one side- stage 4 on the other. I, being the smart ass that I am, said "that's good right". Ummm no. It doesn't get any worse. That's as bad as it gets. I'm just bone on bone. So, with every step I take, I do more damage in there. So, now, I get to go in my next trip and get this big ole needle stuck in my knee so that they can shoot it up with some dye stuff and find out where the leak is. I tried to tell them that I wasn't leaking anything out of my knee but Troy wasn't buying it. He did suggest that I not walk on any uneven ground and that I kept something handy to help me out with that little walking idea. So, how do y'all think I'll look sporting a cane? What do you think? Something nice and chic like a skull head? So, here's the bad part of the cane idea. They disease has moved into my left elbow type area too. So, I've already had to have both wrists worked on. Now we're looking at the elbow idea. OK, so what happens when I can't walk without a cane or crutches but my arms won't support my weight? Y'all are welcome to try to figure that one out - I think I'll skip worrying about that idea right now. Can't change it, it hasn't happened yet, and I have faith that Dr MK will keep me mobile. A friend last night told me that I'd just turn into the bionic woman. That works for me too.

So then I came home, and Kristi was talking to Tom. Apparently, she got lonely and melancholy while I was gone. And she gave in and called him. Cause see, no matter what her head knows - her heart misses being married. As she explains it- it's not the drinking and the fighting she misses. Its not what their marriage turned into that she misses. It's the crawling into bed with someone at night and having someone hold her. It's in the middle of the night when she feels alone. And Tom - he tells her everything she wants to hear. He told her that he changed. That she could still see her family and he wouldn't interfere. And I reminded her how many times we had heard that before. Every time she's left him its been the same thing. Every time this has come to a head - he's told her the same thing. And he talks a good talk. He tells her that he wants her to have a relationship with us but his every action makes sure that we won't let him around and then he forces the "Kristi is his wife and we have to deal with him". I can't get on that train again. Kristi asked me if I would still talk to her. Well, I'm not going to not answer the phone when she calls. I always have answered. But - the closeness we've shared these last few weeks - would be destroyed. She said she'd call me when he wasn't around because not one time have we ever been able to have a conversation with him around that he hasn't sat in the background running off at the mouth till we hang up just so we don't have to listen to him. And I wouldn't call her. In all actuality, when she's with him - I dread even answering the phone. You never know if its going to be him calling from her phone or her calling because he "wants to talk to you about this or that mom". Because he pushes and pushes until he pushes us away. So, why jump back on that merry-go-round? And then her brothers jumped in with their 2 cents. And that's what turned the corner. Remember when I said that for all their fighting amongst themselves, they are very clannish? Yeah, well all 4 boys were definitely on the same page in this one. Ice Cube told her that if she went back to Tom, then she wouldn't see him, Ruth or Elmer anymore. That he loved her but that they had always been there for her and going back to someone who had blacked her eyes and bloodied her face was a slap in the face to that love. I don't know what all Hurricane said to her. But he was more the voice of reason I think. Little Man was unhappy to say the least. He told her no- she couldn't go back to Tom and end up dead. Whatever talking that they've done since she's been here has some special meaning to them because he kept telling her remember? Remember what you told me? And folks- I didn't ask. I don't know what she told him that she hasn't told me. He was there in OK that night. He saw the abuse that she suffered that night first hand. Cause that's why Tom went after LM that night. For standing up to his sister. Following some conversations with her brothers, Tom called in yet again. (yea, so much for changing the number right? She ended up letting him have it. Now, she says she's going to change it yet again next week when she renews her card.) She told Tom that she couldn't do it. That if it were "right then it wouldn't be like this". I guess his family was no more happy with the idea of them getting back together than our family was because I heard him yelling something at Kristi about how he'd been arguing with them for the last hour over ... (she walked further than 10 feet away and I could only hear yelling and not make out actual words). Of course, after she told him that she couldn't lose her family over him again - he started screaming again. She ended up telling him that she couldn't do it right now and hanging up. Of course, then his family had to start jumping in. Bonnie called. Kristi just stopped answering the phone again. So, then Bonnie has to leave messages. Which Kristi didn't listen to. She can't. And part of this would have never happened if Tom had just left her alone. Instead of stalking her online. Sending her email after email after email. All of them full of how much he had changed. All of them playing up to what she wanted to hear. If he had changed his number when she changed hers. But no- she deleted his number. He sent her emails with the number asking her to call him. His sisters girlfriend called it right when she said that they were toxic. She compared their relationship to combining bleach and ammonia. And she was right. They're bad for each other. But Kristi is going to do what she'll do. But Tom - not welcome here. Ever. And the rest of us - not going to forgive Tom for all the abuse.

On other notes... I am so very glad to be home. I missed being here so much! I need to have this chance to regroup. To get my head together and take care of things around here before going to do battle with my body again. I have to have my head right. I have to get my support system ready and lined up. I don't want to go into surgery worry about anything or with things not all done. So, the kids and I have a lot of tail kicking to do in the next few weeks. I have a lot of things to finish up before I can be off my feet for a while. And that includes making sure that all the kids lessons are ready to go and they can keep going on their schooling on those days that I am not quite up to par. So, off here to start some of that proverbial tail kicking. I told the boys that they could have today to sleep in and then tomorrow- it's off to the races. I'm going to pick up the new bar for the chain saw and they have some tree work to take care of. We're also going to get this flooring in. Totally and completely done. All the stuff that needs to be completed for the insurance- needs to be done. As well as fixing the things around here like the chicken coop that need to be done before I can be done. I told the boys. I warned them that today was their last day of sleeping in before we got going. And that we were going to hit the books hard and heavy too. So, they are warned. I'll try to keep y'all updated as we go. Surgery scheduled? Not yet. They need this dye study before we can see where to go next.

I'm in a good frame of mind. I'm going to relax today. Take care of the laundry and some organizational things while I let the boys sleep in. And I'm going to relax a bit today too before I get active tomorrow. And yes, I am going to leave the heavy stuff for the kids and be careful of my back. Thanks!

A Breakthrough?

So, I got a text from my Little Man tonight. He wanted to know when I wanted him home. Step one accomplished. So, I called his phone. And we talked. Or I talked, he didn't hang up and he cried. Hate to gang up on the poor kid but that is exactly what we did. Hurricane talked. Ice Cube talked. I talked and we all said the same thing. Now, did he try to pull a woe is me act? He started to try it on me. I cut it off at the pass. Did he try to twist things to make me feel badly for him? I don't play that game either. It was time to play hard ball and that is what we did. Does he feel ganged up on? Yes he did. And I told him we did it for a reason. I told him that his brothers were not going to help him make the mistakes that they did - that they want better for him and that we were all going to take a hard line with him until it got thru his head. And then he tried the "yea I know I'm an F up". And I said - no - not yet but you're trying to go there and we're going to do our best to stop it before you accomplish making a mistake that really does mess up your life. And then I started laying down the law. That this was how things were going to go and this was what he was going to do. And that he had some thinking to do. He thinks that we can't afford college. Well, there are a lot of things that I can't afford. But, college is one of those things that he will be able to go to. It is one of those things that is manageable. I also got on him for hanging out with his Aunt Tami and his cousins. Told him that his attitude and behavior had changed/gotten worse with that association and that either he needed to do a major adjustment in that area or stay away from them.

He was also having some trouble dealing with his sister coming back. Part of this was normal sibling jealousy. Part of this is issues dealing back to that fateful trip to OK and Tom's abuse of him on that trip. Some of this he will have to work thru with Kristi. See, I can't rebuild those trust issues that were destroyed between the two of them that horrible weekend. I can't take that weekend away and neither can Kristi. It happened. Its a part of their history. Something horrible that they went thru together and handled in totally separate ways. LM was stronger than Kristi that horrible night and he payed for it later. After Tom chased him around and around the yard with a knife threatening to kill him (*** this is LM's story which has never changed from the get go. Tom has told 15 different versions of different stories of that night to many different people. Never the same story twice to anyone that I have compared notes with and not even the same story twice to me. Kristi backs up many parts to LM's side of the story when she's not around Tom but that night - backed up Tom's side of the story to the police to keep Tom from jail ... and save herself from the tail kicking that would have occurred later had she gone against him***) the police had to take my poor LM to a safe house to protect him from Tom until I could get there to pick him up. Part of this, LM needs to understand that had Kristi backed him up with the police, Tom would have been out of jail before I could get there and they both would have payed an even higher price. I don't doubt this one bit. The one time my ex got arrested for domestic violence, he was out of jail before I was out of the hospital. Kristi remembers this well as I had the kids at the hospital with me. Part of this, Kristi needs to understand that she is going to have to show LM with actions that she has changed/learned from the past. She wants to talk to him about it. She has tried to talk with him about it. It's an actions thing. Not a talking thing. There was a vital core of trust broken in their relationship that night. It took actions to break it - it will take actions and time to fix it. There is a report filed from that night. I know Tom hopes that his ex-wife never hears about it or some of the other things because then they would cancel even his supervised visits with the kids. That might blow his lies with his new girlfriend. I can't believe that she allows him around her kids with his history of violence at/around children. I suppose that's something she'll have to learn the hard way just as his ex did and just as Kristi did. Anywho ~ those issues, while something that I can talk to both Kristi and LM about, are something that they are going to have to work on between the two of them. And it will take time. Just as it is taking time for her to work thru things with Hurricane.

Accident update: I am up and moving. Slowly. Very slowly. I worry about every move I make afraid that I will do something to mess my back up again. I have never been this afraid to move, to bend, to try to lift anything. I know in time that the memory of that pain will fade and then I'll do something stupid again but for now... it keeps me careful. ;) Kristi and I cleaned out the chicken pen today. Well, mostly she cleaned and I pretended to help but I did enough to not feel totally worthless. And to know that I am on the mend. We worked in the bathroom yesterday working on the painting. She did a 2nd coat last night at a time when I was totally unable to do any of it. I'm going to go in there in a bit and do some of the touch up work. Nothing over my head. No stretching or bending. I pay very careful attention to what's going on with my back at this point and time.

Wish me luck....

Sunday special

Good morning all! I am up and feeling a bit more human today. I was running a fever last night on top of the other things. Almost 102. I called Vix and asked her where that would have come from because I didn't feel sick. Only in pain. She told me that the fever could be a reaction to all the misery that my body has gone thru. The fever is gone this morning so far. I have done nothing but sleep it seems since I got home from the hospital. I get online and start talking to one of my friends and drift off in the middle of a conversation. Kristi and B have stepped up and kept things going while I have been flat on my back sleeping.

I have so very much to do around here. I keep looking at all the materials laying around that I should be up and working with. I get so frustrated with my inability to get up and get going on it. And the mess of having sheets of drywall and boxes of flooring in my dining room is driving me nuts. ;) So is having my bedroom floor down to only needing one line of flooring to lay and being unable to get in there to do it. The skirting for the house was delivered the day I went to the hospital- its still sitting outside. Not that I was going to install that anyhow but still. I need to get the guy over here to get it done at least.

Well, sorry for the short post, I am drifting back off. I just can't seem to get my energy back. And I already had so much to do and so little time to get it done in. I need this to go away quickly so that I can get some stuff done before I go back to old town for the next wedding. I'm supposed to have a wedding a week from today. An appointment with my orthopedic surgeon on the Tues following the wedding. And then a mexican buffet couples shower from my other friend's son who is getting married in May. I may not stay in old town long enough to go to the shower though. I am so far behind here. Oh, and Vix and I have to go file suit against the home movers that moved this place while I'm in town. We have spent the last year trying to get this guy to make things right and he is still refusing. The mover guy did thousands of dollars of damage to the house and stuff in the house. We haven't even been able to afford to replace some of the things he broke. Kristi says that she's going to stay here while I'm gone and take care of the animals and stuff. She has no inclination to go back at this point and time. If she'd rather stay here and hang out and take care of the animals, that's fine with me. I can't believe that she'd rather stay here than go see her friends in old town but it works for me.

Well, y'all have a good day! I'm having the hardest time staying awake and that makes no sense. Its my back that got hurt. But yet, I haven't been able to stay up for more than an hour at a time since the injury. Someone please tell me what I can do to get over this faster so I can go back to working on my house!

Yes, I am a fool

Well, I guess while I'm up and somewhat conscious, I'll get this post written. I got my delivery yesterday from Home Depot. Some drywall, the skirting kit for the house, a few other odds and ends. They brought the stuff off the truck with a fork lift and put it up by the house. Until we got to the drywall. He brought it up to the deck and then Kristi, B and I tried to move it into the house. Big mistake! The delivery guy took pity on us and helped B get it into the house. Of course, by that time... it was too late.

30 minutes later I was in a ball on the ground with hot pokers stabbing me. I took a couple of my pain pills. They did nothing. Kristi put 3 lidocane patches on my back. Still no relief. The pain by this time had me curled up in a ball crying. The kids called the ambulance a bit later. Now folks, I can't tell you how the timing of this all went. I was incoherent with pain to say the least. The paramedics and ambulance arrived shortly and I got a quick trip to the hospital. They started an IV, gave me some medicine. They knocked the pain level down to bearable. Kristi drove me home. She also went and picked up some medicine that they prescribed to try and stop the muscle seizures.

Since then, I have been flat on my back as the Dr ordered. I can't even make it to the bathroom without help. Kristi and B have been great. I will be following the Dr's orders about staying in bed. I wouldn't if I could move well enough to get up. I still have a million things that I need to do before I can go to the wedding. Somehow, I just don't see them getting done.

Well, I feel the need to doze off again. I don't manage to be up for more than a little bit at a time. Y'all take care!

irresponsible teens

So, what do you do with your kids when they decide that their friends are more important than being with family for a holiday? Or say they choose to ignore your parenting time to go with the other parent. How do you feel if your child would forget your birthday? What about when a child throws a fit about family time or family plans?

I have a policy. Now, I fully accept that with the kids growing up and getting seriously involved/engaged/ married - you have to share your kids with the other family. And 2 of mine work or have significant others who work and you know that you can't change a work schedule to suit your wants. So in those two situations, then those type things are excused - of course.

But now, should one of my kids chose to party, play, ignore the family during any of those situations. Then not only do they get to deal with my displeasure (and I am seriously not fun when I get peed off) then whatever plans we had... We not only go ahead with whomever is around/home/there - and they don't get any of the goodies that might go with that holiday. And yes, I am that mean. I don't save dinner for them. Candy, presents, goodies - forfeited. Because my thought is - that if they chose to not be a part of the family for that time then they don't want the goodies/privileges that go with that either. And if none of them want to be home- then I just cancel the holiday. Saves me the hassle of cooking or shopping doesn't it? Does that mean that I won't give myself a treat for that day? Nope - not at all. And I will do something special for anyone who cares enough to be here.

We... are not doing anything as a family for Easter this year. Ice Cube and Ruth - working. Donna - working. Hurricane - vehicle and money issues again. Kristi and Little Man - wanted to party and took off for Old Town at midnight last night. They made the choice totally disregarding the holiday and the list of things that I have to have done before I can go back later this month. As I am now having to work on things by myself with only B for help - there will be much less accomplished this weekend than I had hoped. A reader commented the other day that my kids were being selfish. All I can say to that is: That's kids. I guarantee that I wasn't thinking of my mom when I was 17 or 20 either (although by 25, I had 2 kids and was pregnant with a 3rd - so I had a lot more respect for my mom than my kids do for me by then). Kids are infants, go thru the terrible 2-3's, become fun and basically human for several years, and then turn into teens and become more self centered than the worst 2 year old. If you're lucky, you live long enough as a parent to see them turn human again. Some parents are blessed with teens who's inconsideration extends to failing to pick up after themselves or leaving messes that "I don't know" and "not me" get blamed for. Some parents get blessed with the ones with big mouths that think the rules don't pertain to them. Since I wasn't smart enough to quit before 5, I got a mixture of all of the above.

Little Man's current "threat" is that he is going to "move out the day" he turns 18. This from a kid who hasn't graduated, doesn't have a job, and hasn't even made a single car payment on the car he's driving. He can't afford car repairs, gas or insurance on the car. Would have no way to pay for the phone that he spends 11 thousand texts a month playing on. Couldn't afford to pay for an apartment or food, let alone utilities. Now... how is he going to move out? The car isn't his so he can't even sleep in it. I would think some things like a diploma and a job might be necessities if he were serious about moving out. But hey- that's just me. I had a job from the time I turned 16. Graduated and moved out at 19. Worked and payed for my own place since then including supporting kids and a husband. Went to college while working and paying for an apartment. And yet... in my children's eyes. I am stupid. Too old to know. So I sit back and laugh while they make mistake after mistake choosing to learn their lessons the hard way.

Well, off here. I have painting still to do and a floor to start putting down. If I can get the painting done this morning, I can start laying floor this afternoon. B told me not to worry, that he'd help. And I'm sure he will. He shows more responsibility than several of his older siblings. And he said he'd dig the holes for the 2 plum trees that I picked up yesterday so I didn't have to do that. And yes, I will be careful and try not to over-do. I can't promise I won't over-do because I have so much to accomplish. But I'm not trying to rush it to get back for a week now. If I only get in for a day for the wedding or even if I miss the wedding, that will be fine with me. Ice Cube and Ruth will either let me take Elmer for a few days or bring him down to see me if I can't make it in. I'm not real worried about it. What concerns me much more at this point is getting my house done. And unlike the kids who can take off without any care or concern for anything other than themselves, I can't just leave these animals without someone to take care of them. Both Kristi and LM wanted to keep a kitten from the litter the stray I took in just had. (and she will be fixed as soon as she's done nursing - we couldn't tell if she'd been fixed before or not). With them taking off without taking care of their responsibilities last night (I'm talking changing clothes and not even putting their dirty stuff in the hamper just leaving it on bedroom floors- leaving their drinks sitting where they were when they cooked up this irresponsible idea - LM even left a wet towel on his floor - dishwasher not unloaded - counters not wiped down - all the chores that they're supposed to do basically undone) - they are not keeping a kitten. Its just one more thing that I would have to take care of. And I have enough to take care of believe me. Neither one of them showed the maturity necessary to be a pet owner with the way the left last night. Just total - I want to do this and I'm gone. Had they completed their chores, taken care of the mama cat we already had to make sure that she had food and water, left at a decent time instead of midnight - then that would be one thing. And I know a bunch of my readers are cat people - I am not. I take care of the cat we have because I felt sorry for when some idiot threw her out of a car and left her to starve. She was scrawny when we started feeding her. And speaking of the cat- she's obviously out of food or water because she's standing at the foot of my recliner whining so ... that's first on my to-do list today.

Happy Easter all! And B and I - we will have a good Easter. We'll do something special for the day. He'll get some Easter candy. And maybe we'll go out to dinner or have something that the 2 of us like. I'll talk to him about it today.

life on the property....

We all know that I've got problem joints. That's life. God has blessed me in that I'm still walking. Something that they told me that I might never do without the aid of a cane or walker more than 20 years ago. Now, I don't get to walk every day anymore. I have one of those pretty little motorized things in my room. I have a pretty good relationship with it. My kids have a pretty good relationship with it too because they think it's fun to go zooming around the house. Rotten brats that they are.

We also all know that I moved this last year from Old town and the acre of land that we lived on there to New town and this farm type woodsy more than 40 acres of trees we have here. Vix and Cal and I, we have some things that we want to accomplish out here. And the idea was that I would move here first with Vix and Cal not far behind. Well, we're coming up on the first anniversary of our move here and Cal - has only been here to the property one time. Them moving here- no closer than it was when we first started planning my move here. All the work for what we want to accomplish here- still falling on the boys and I. Now, I don't mind this a bit. The boys- they get tired of the never ending list of things that they're supposed to do with no recognition from time to time. I give them $5 here and an extra privilege there to show them that I appreciate all that they've done and given up so that we can have our dream.

Put the 2 above facts together and it causes me some interesting days. See - no matter how I'm feeling or what my pain level is- there are things that have to be done around here. The chickens have to be fed every day. As do the dogs, the cat and the ferret. Well ok, the ferret doesn't need his dish filled every day but at least checked. The garbage- goes to the dumpster 200 steps away from the house. We have another 10 fruit trees that need planted this month. I have over 3 grand in damage from the plumbing explosion. The steps need moved to the other side of the ramp. There is constant work to maintain the trees around the house as well as the orchard that we have been planting. Now, on top of these things, I still have the laundry, dishes, house, that need taken care of. And, I know you can't imagine this- but my children actually want fed on a daily basis. I mean really? Who do they think they are? Oh and lets not forget this little important thing called their education. I mean- they can't grow up ignorant. This is sometimes the hardest thing to deal with. Like right now- B and I are working on English one. We are almost done with our short story unit and poetry comes next. Ok, I have a 14 year old that hates to read in the first place. He's had 7 eye surgeries and has a tracking disorder in the 2nd place. And he's male. Add those 3 things together and does anyone want to guess how much fun a poetry unit for English is around here? And don't we all know how essential it is for us to learn about poetry? I mean- don't you all use your poetry lessons from high school on a daily basis? I thought so. Now, before anyone or everyone thinks that I'm going to skip or skimp on these lessons. I don't and I couldn't even if I wanted to. I don't set the tests. The college does. So B... well, he'll learn about poetry if it kills us both. ;)

I will say this though. When I had my tummy surgery a year ago. They wanted to make sure that I stayed moving. They want us to walk a minimum of 1000 steps a day. Well, I get almost 1/2 of those, just taking the garbage out. Then add in the steps going down the ramp, around to the chicken coop, in and out of the chicken coop getting the birds feed and water... Well, If I didn't do anything more a day than take the garbage out, pick up the mail and feed the chickens - I'd have most of my thousand steps a day. I learned a lesson yesterday though. Always take the phone with when I go to do those things. See, I had a problem yesterday. And it was a painful one. I didn't have my phone with me to call the boys for help. Let's just say that getting back to the house- was an interesting feat. I will now make sure that my cell is with me and charged at all times when I leave the house to make my daily journey. Or most of the days journey. Because after yesterday.... I'm not sure if I'll make it today. But I'm sure gonna try.

Because don't you know folks- that's all we can do in life is try. Just give it our best shot. Life is a game. You may not be able to control the cards you're dealt but you can sure control how you play the hand.

the adoption....part 2

I know just how lucky I was to have the parents that I had growing up. Bio-mom married a man and had a son. When her son was 6 months old, her husband threw him at a wall in a fight. She kept son from hitting the wall, walked out and never looked back. She ended up marrying a very nice man and they are still married today. Happily married. But between losing 4 babies between myself and her son and her hubby's ex kidnapping his kids and disappearing with them, they spoiled son to the point of rotten. Unable to accept responsibility of his own actions rotten. My parents married young and remained married till the day my dad died 6 years ago. My younger brother (also adopted) and I had a most stable home life with a nice white collar/country club/family vacation upbringing. However, that doesn't change how I felt as a child. My poor parents. They gave me everything in their power to give. They taught me to be responsible, they gave me a great education. I had my parents attention. Private lessons in anything that I wanted. And no sense of self worth. No matter how much they gave me- I was the odd ball. I didn't fit in. I didn't belong. What they couldn't give me- was the sense of belonging. I had to find that for myself. And it was a long and hard road I travelled to get to where I am now. People minimize what they call the "adoption syndrome". My girlfriend the other night tried to tell me that not having either bio-parent was the same as her dad walking out on her. She kept telling me that she "knew" what it was like to grow up with no one around who shared her DNA. The fact that she grew up with her mom and 2 sisters who had the same 2 parents as her- just kept escaping her mind. And I know how hard it is to have a dad walk out on you - not from my experience but from living thru it with my kids. And believe me - for any of you who have kids who have a missing bio-parent or who had a bio-parent who walked out on you- I am in no way trying to minimize what you went thru. Only try to explain how it was for me to be adrift in a world where no one looked like me or shared any of my interests or no matter how much they love(d) me - no one understood me. And I didn't understand myself. I will say again ... My poor parents. I was a nightmare to try and deal with as a teen. An absolute mess. And it took me a long time and having a family of my own to become who I am now. Because most of you - would have hated my younger self. I did.

I will say. That my mom supported my decision to find bio-mom 100%. She is a wonderful and strong woman and I'm really sorry that it took me so long to grow up enough to look past myself to see her for who she is. She gave me a letter of "non-identifying facts". This is all they were given at the adoption. He supposedly had this color hair and eyes. She supposedly came from a good family and was this tall with hair and eye color. In talking to bio-mom the other night, I really need to go pull that letter out of the safe and compare notes with her. They lied to bio-mom about it all. Told her that I was going to a banker and wife. My dad was never a banker. I have no idea how many other lies the agency told to try and prevent us ever finding each other. My mom (as was dad before he passed) has been totally supportive of my search. In every way. She knows that nothing can take away what we have.

In sitting online with a friend the other night. She asked if I had ever found bio-dad. The answer to that was a no. His number is unlisted. Even trips by bio-mom back to the town they both grew up in have been unsuccessful in locating him. I have looked here and there over the years. Never really whole heartedly. For whatever reason, I never had the overwhelming drive to find him like I did bio-mom all those years ago. Online friend (hey Dee!) gave me the website of a people finder. Well, it had been so long since I had thought about it all, I couldn't originally even remember the town they were from. I knew I would know it when I saw it after all those years of living in IN - so I went looking thru every person listed in that site that lived in that state with that last name. And I found the town. And I found the last name. But not one person listed with that first name. Well, out of boredom mostly - I went to my FB account. And I did a search for folks in that town with that last name. And I found several. And I started sending out emails. Very generic emails. "Hi. I'm looking for Mr. X who lived in Y town in 1965. By chance would you know him?" Nothing more. No use giving anyone a heart attack right? I sent out 5 or 6 emails of this sort. And I looked at their friends lists. I sent the same email to some folks with the same last name on their friends lists.

And the reply's started coming in. Several "nope sorrys". And then 2 yes responses. One came back a definite - Yes that's my dad. And a 2nd one that came back saying "Do you have any more information to see if we're talking about the same person". Well, and then began the waiting game. I wanted to get my facts straight before emailing this man back. Or the other one either. No use running to someone and saying "hey guess what and guess who I am" before making sure you're talking to the right person. That type of news is going to be hard enough to share without dumping it on some unsuspecting man who may not even be the right one. Unfortunately, repeated attempts to call bio-mom were unsuccessful. Both she and her husband have not been in the best of health in the past few years and I am not that close to her where anyone bothers to call me when they are ill. Or any other time for that matter. So, I waited. I kept calling - getting no response- and waiting more....

to be continued....

one of those days

Short post tonight guys. I just want to let everyone know that I'm still alive. Thanks to those of you who have texted, emailed and IM'd me today.

I spent the day today dealing with a bunch of stress. Once again, not caused by my younger two. They settled in, got their school work done with a minimum of fuss.

The problem is other people. I think I spend half my life trying to make other people stop and look at the other side of an issue. Why is it that the only side people want to look at is their own. God forbid that there might be more than one way to look at a problem. And why ask questions before jumping to conclusions and making judgements. I always listen to all sides of an issue. I make it a point to try to get to the bottom of it. And I can usually see multiple ways to look at an issue. Why can't other people stop and give it the time and consideration before flying off the handle. 9 times out of 10, both side could have done something different to avoid the problem. Now, sometimes you're going to run into someone who just is looking for trouble. And that can happen to the best of us. I know that I have been that someone before. That it didn't matter what the other person said, my mind was made up and that was it. Or I didn't care enough about that person to care if I destroyed the relationship or not. I've also been on the receiving end of that situation before. You call someone up in a good mood and just want to say hi or ask a question and the next thing you know, your head is flying across the room and you can hear the demons flying around the other person's head thru the phone. You just know that if it was a video phone, you'd see their head spinning around.

I see this all the time folks. I expect it from kids. I do wish 2 things tonight. That my kids would mature enough to stop doing this - and by my kids, I mean their partners too. And 2 that the adults that I know would stop and listen before making judgements about things in their lives too. I don't mind being the bouncing person. I know that a lot of people come to me with issues, problems, looking for advice, someone to vent to. I'm honored. Today, I just don't think I was at my best. I woke up unable to walk. My pain level tends to directly affect my patience level. I recognize this. I realize that my days with these knees are numbered. That doesn't change that I worry about the fact that too many people in my life are actively burning bridges behind them. And one of these days, I'm not going to be here to put things back to rights. I'm not going to be here to run interference and try to explain why so and so jumped someone for just making a phone call. Or why so and so said this when they didn't mean it. I'm not going to be here to explain the other side. And can't figure out why so many people today can't stop and think first. Why they can't look at how their actions are affecting everyone around them instead of pointing fingers across the phone and room.

Head - Meet desk.

I now have a migraine. I'm going to become a vegetable and take something for the overwhelming pain in my knees that has a large part to do with why I'm feeling slightly more than ready to rip someone's head off tonight. I'll be back tomorrow with more craziness and reasons why all teenagers should be locked in cages until they turn 30. Have a good night!

monday musings

Couple of newsy type things today folks. First off, I was asked to do a guest post today for lifein3dee and I obliged Dee by doing this for her. Hard on me. Its one thing to type away here at my little corner of the world. Quite another to take my voice to someone else's playground. But as she is one of my favorite people.... well, it was hard to turn her down.

We're doing school work right now. My boys tried to give me the "but mommmm, it's Christmas break" whine but I believe I won the discussion when I asked them if this was their way of telling me that they would like to do book work for every minute that a regular school is in session. Imagine my surprise when they settled in with their books and started working on assignments. Not.

While they are hard at work with their assignments, I am working on Ice Cube's recipe box. Yes, I know it was supposed to be for Christmas but so many of you were generous with your recipes and well, I was out of town so much - I never finished it up. Besides, it would have given him one more present than the rest of the kids. That would have been a big issue as any of you with multiple kids may know. So, isn't it a good thing that Ice Cube has a birthday coming up in a few weeks?

My daughter posted this over at her blog:

With this post I might as well start from the beginning. My mother left my father somwhere around 11 years ago. In that time I went up until last summer without hearing from him or seeing him. Now this is something that I really do not let affect my holidays but a small part of me really thought that with me hunting him down last summer and taking the effort to find him (not that he ever made the same effort with me) would some how magically change the lack of contact from him during the holiday season. I of course was sadly mistaken. I really think that I should have just let things be from the beginning.. not gone looking for him or for the answers that at that time I so desperately wanted. Then it would have made this holiday season just be normal. I still would have not heard from him..I still would not have gotten a Christmas Card or present or even a phone call.. but I also would not have held out hope that he cared. I tried to give him another chance.. and that didn't work out so well.. but in my mind, I figure since I tried with him it was his turn to make the phone call. Like usual, he let me down.

I will say that I feel horrible after seeing how much she was hurt by opening herself up to disappointment with SD again. Now it makes me wonder if I do the right thing by wishing he'd take some initiative and contact the kids. Tara went looking for him. I knew that under the circumstances, it would end badly. I didn't realize what a selfish *itch his new girlfriend is or that she would throw things in Tara's face like "you're not SD's real child and I told him not to waste time with you" or "lose SD's number. We don't want any of you around" Or my personal favorite "I don't want SD to have anything to do with any of you" (that one after Tara gave his number to Little Man and SD and Little Man having words). I didn't realize that Tara would spend the holiday looking for a phone call that never came. However, I should have known by her behavior that something was wrong that day. When I talked to her that evening (Christmas) on IM, she was moody and picking an argument with me. No matter what I said, she took it in the worst possible way. And her being upset about SD, explains it all. Whenever my kids have been upset with SD, I have been the whipping boy. Not just Tara, any of the kids. Actually, when I've always been the whipping boy whenever they've been upset about anything. Girlfriend tick them off- scream at mom about the color of the sky. Mad at a teacher- yell at mom about what she's cooking for dinner. Out of cigarettes- yell at mom because she doesn't smoke and won't spend her hard earned money to support their habit. Being a parent is so much fun (yes, you are hearing a ton of sarcasm in that). But Tara, she always felt things the most. Girl thing I think. The boys- they gave up on SD a long time ago. Other than fantasizing about doing him bodily damage from time to time, he's a dead subject where they're concerned. They'd be more likely to paste his picture on a target and use it for gun site practice than to go looking for him. But Tara, she apparently thought that the effort she made would change things with him. That might have something to do with lies he tried to tell her about how he wanted to be a part of their lives all this time. Even though I knew that no one ever kept him from being part of the kids lives, maybe she needed to see it for herself. Maybe she needed to figure out for herself just how selfish he is. But I couldn't stop her from going looking for him. And I wouldn't have if I could have. Yes, I would have loved to have protected her from the pain she went thru this holiday season. As a parent, we always want to protect our kids from going thru any type of pain. But, I've done this enough to know now that we can't protect them from everything life throws at them. If I could have done that- I would have waved my magic wand a long time ago and turned SD into a human being and given the kids a dad. Like I said- sometimes there are things we just can't protect them from.

Well, folks, I have children to torture with a test. Y'all have a great day!

Terribly Tired Wednesday

It was an extremely long day. So I'll make this really short (for me at least).

I'm still here. Very worried about one of my blog friends who is going thru a really rough patch right now. Her hubby's ex is on a roll and really giving them a rough time with alienating the kids. Combine that with some other things going on in her life and she has had a rough week. (Yeah I know -sort of vague right? Could be any number of my friends as most of us have issues with the ex from time to time)

One of my favorite blog authors finally came back to us. I thought maybe she was missing in action since she had abandoned us since July. Welcome back Morocco!

Little Man and I ran 9 million errands today. We got the car inspected - big change from getting an inspection in old town! It was $25 cheaper. That was a pleasant surprise. We picked up the layaway, picked up a Christmas tree (still on the front porch) and a few other odds and ends. The biggest headache of today was when the car failed inspection for a .....

License plate light. Yep, License plate light. So, in the sub zero temperatures that TX was experiencing today - Little Man and I were out in the cold cussing Ford for leaving how to get to the license plate lights out of the owners manual. On the plus side- at least we didn't get that nasty white stuff falling from the sky that old town got today. Yuck!

After many many hours of running around from place to place today, we got home at almost 7 and I am exhausted. I will say that it was another good day with Little Man. We got a lot accomplished. I got home and had to feed and water chickens, dogs and cat. Little Man did finally get fed but I won't tell you what time I fed him the nutritious dinner of frozen cardboard pizza. I am going to take my meds for my joints and die an early death tonight.

I'm not perfect

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no sense of humor left

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I don't know if I'm going to survive....

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I can't believe......

The Rangers beat the Yankees.   Yes, the Rangers have had one of their best seasons lately.  I don't think they've done this well in like 10 years.  But still.... the Yankees are a dynasty.  And a walk off Grand Slam for Marlon Byrd.  Congrats to the Rangers.  I, personally, am still a Red Sox fan first but the Rangers are my 2nd favorite team.  I get to see the Red Sox play in person one time a year if I'm lucky.  We, B and I, go to Ranger games about 3-4 times a month.  B informs me that it was a coaching error.  He says that they pitched a "lefty against a righty when they had a righty warmed up and they should have brought the righty to get a match up".  Now, if that makes ANY sense of all to you- congrats!  That's the 3rd 9th inning win the Rangers have had this week that I know of.  We saw them do it Tuesday and Friday when we were at the games and now tonight.  Unfortunately, my Red Sox lost tonight to Kansas City.  That's fairly unbelievable too.  

That I'm having to deal with ANOTHER boy hitting puberty!  I know it happens.  I know its part of life.  But that does NOT make it any easier.  If there is a time in their lives when I totally feel inadequate- it's when they hit this particular stage.  And I will say:  Thank God for older brothers who are right there helping us both live thru this!  And to have the 2 youngest hitting at the same time is cruel and unusual punishment for me.  Although the 13 year old still resembles a human,  the 16 year old is somewhere along the lines of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde right now.  Patience is the name of the game here right now.  

That my ex-husbands family has invaded the little town I live in.  Now to show you how unbelievable this is.  Ex and family have all lived in a medium sized town in IN.  After the break up we relocated to TX.  Came down here to where the kids god-parents lived and we had support.  Also for safety reason.  We live in SMALL town TX.  When we moved here- population was under 1300 people and that was counting a population that was 80% cows I think.  The nearest McDonalds was 20 miles down the highway.  The nearest Walmart was across the street from the McDonalds.  No fast food in town.  No stoplight or even a stop sign down the main street.  We've now grown enough that it's only 12 miles to the nearest Walmart and McDonalds.  It's still a town down the highway but still.  We even got a Sonic here in town.  But we're still the proverbial "small town".  I live on a country road that's gravel.  More potholes that you can count.  In the middle of nowhere.   So, what would the chances be that his cousin and another cousins family would both get transferred HERE.  To where I live?  And then what would the chances be that they would both buy houses in my neighborhood?  And then their parents came to visit from IN and they talked the parents into moving here.  So another one of their son's bought them a house.  ON. MY. STREET.  And it's not that I don't like these folks.  I do.  This is the only one of Ex's uncles that hasn't been in prison  (out of like 8 or 9 uncles).  They're really decent nice people.  But still....  I can't believe this!

Well, off to bed.  Hope everyone had a good weekend!