having fun

Last night was a first for me. I got to have a conference chat with several of my blog friends. We're planning a few get togethers which will be so much fun! The boys are intrigued with the possibility of going some places that we haven't seen before. I think I gave these two my wanderlust.

I had a good talk with Hurricane yesterday. Probably one of the best. He really is protective over me and the boys. He sounded really happy that the boys stopped by there and saw him yesterday. He shouldn't have expected any different. No matter how much they might argue and bicker amongst themselves, the boys know that they've always been there for each other. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the saying "bros before hoes". The current argument between Hurricane and Ice Cube lays heavy on my mind. So many times, the boys act before thinking thru the consequences of their actions. Nothing and no one should have the right to come between the brothers. And yes, I say the brothers. Their fight was over something stupid. Words spouted out in the heat of anger. Things said that while can't be taken back- need to be worked thru. Nothing that was said is unforgivable. There was no physical violence, no one stole, no drugs involved ~ just angry words. I have had a chance to talk to several folks about this situation with Tara since her last email full of lies and imaginary stories. Some of those people I've talked with are people who have never met her. People who I don't feel the need to protect from the pain of her behavior. Some of those people are people who know her. People who would be hurt if they knew how far she has fallen. People who love her and it would make them sick if they knew the kind of alcohol and drug filled life of abuse she leads. Everyone I've talked to agrees about one thing though.... I did what was right and best to let her go and take that drama and pain out of my life.

For years, my mom stood up for Tara. She always believed that poor Tara didn't know any better. She did these things because this is what she saw from SD. And there may be some truth in that. Tara is with a man that makes SD look like an angel. A man that has been arrested far more times than SD has been. SD is certainly a low life and a drug dealer. Tom and SD both have multiple arrests for being unable to keep their hands off someone else's property. Tom has many many arrests for violent attacks against other humans. All of those crimes coming against people who are either minors, women or the elderly. None of which says anything positive to me about his character. Even my mom though no longer defends her behavior. I honestly never thought I would see the day when even my mom tells me that I have to do what's best for me and the boys. Tara was always my mom's baby. The first grandchild and for years, the only grand daughter. She has worried herself sick over the years about Tara. But in recent years, she's seen for herself. She knows when Tara is lying to her. She knows that Tom is violent. It grieves her to watch Tara go thru what I went thru with SD. Mom's heard all the excuses and cover-ups. And I hurt for my mom. My mom who gave every bit of love that she has had to give to these kids. My mom who has been ill more often than not in the past years. The battle with breast cancer that she still fights. The issues with her arteries. The surgeries last year and the one upcoming. The trips to the ER in the middle of the night from a racing heart that doesn't want to work right anymore. My mom that probably doesn't have many more years left. And then I remember Tara and her attitude when my dad was dying. Mad because she wanted to be with her boyfriend of the time J. (the very same bf that she still pines for and wishes she had and he was a million times better than Tom, I'll give that) Her attitude of "why do I have to waste my time here waiting for an old man to die" Oh yes she did use those words. They're burned in my memory. Waste her time. My dad died later that morning. I've always resented her saying that as dad was lying in the next room. Did he hear her? Did he go ahead and give up knowing that this was how she felt about him? That she cared about him no more than to call him an old man? The one man that had always been there for her. That loved her without reservation.

I scared the boys that day. I turned on Tara viciously that day. They were always proud of me. They still talk about the way I reacted with pride. But they also always talk about it with respect. Ice Cube was actually talking to Ruth about it when we were in town last. Ruth loves my mom and the feeling is mutual. My mom dotes on Little Bit. She plays the video's of him giggling over and over again. My dad would have loved Ruth too. 6 years now. 6 years he's been gone. Mom made sure that all the kids had something of his to keep. Watches and pocket knives for the boys. Tara got a collection of angels that dad had. She left them when she went with Tom. They didn't mean enough to her for her to take them with. I have them now. Mementos of my dad and something he loved to collect. Tara ~ kept nothing from "the old man" that she had to "waste her time" to wait for him to die.

Now, because its Saturday and because Ms Minnie asked so nicely last night. And because I so very much enjoyed my phone conversation with her and my boys are really looking forward to a trip down state and a chance to see if there are sharks in the ocean... (ok, so I lied about the sharks part ~ they are more interested in "cute chicks") I posted some new pix over at my OTHER SITE. Reminder, all pictures will from here forward be protected of the boys and Little Bit.

Oh and the giggle of today.... For Tara claiming that she doesn't want anything to do with our family.... She sure has been spending a ton of time on this site. 4 times yesterday and staying on the site for long periods of time when she's here. She also hits at least 4 other people's sites that I know of and stalks them like she does mine.... looking for my comments maybe? She spends more time on here than I do. I am glad that there is more to my life than sitting on a computer trying to find out about someone's life that I claim to not want anything to do with. I hope this makes you all laugh as much as it has me! Cheers!

Can we turn back time a bit?

I awoke yesterday morning and this morning to the sounds of gunshots. Deer season opened yesterday. Now, the only thing I want to shoot at a deer with is a camera. However, Little Man would love to be out there. Now, if they had gotten a shot at that wild hog in the neighbors pasture across the street last night... That would have been bacon for the year. Unfortunately though, I imagine I'm going to have to invest in a freezer for the venison that I'm sure will be coming. Well, it would sure save on the grocery bill right?

There are days where I miss the days of the kids all being home, young and driving me nuts. Having 5 children who were 10 years apart between oldest and youngest turned this place into a total zoo most days but like all zoos, it was a fun one to visit. 10 years ago, we had just moved here from IN. B was 4, Little Man 7, Ice Cube 8, Hurricane 11, and Tara 14. We had just moved into our house in previous small town. By 8 am, all the kids were up and going. Tara would have had her nose buried in a book. The boys were outside making the neighbors wish that we were still living elsewhere. Not that they were ever destructive with the neighbors property. They were just ... loud. And all of them were so very close. Now, Tara is married, probably still asleep and living several hundred miles away. She hasn't seen Hurricane or Ice Cube in over 2 years. She just started speaking to Ice Cube again a few weeks ago. Hurricane is having issues with all of his siblings right now. Tara is working hard to mend the rifts that she's had with the boys. She will be meeting Ruth and Little Bit for the first time a week from today. She has spoken to all the boys (but Hurricane) on the phone. They have finally added her back to facebook and myspace accounts.

The rifts between Hurricane and his siblings are so similar to the ones that Tara had. Both sets of rifts came when the kids were at similar ages. Both sets of rifts have come over the people that the kids are dating (Tara is now married to) and over those people's treatment of the siblings or how they have treated me (apparently, its ok for them to be rude and disrespectful but no one else is allowed to act like that or they get horribly upset). In both cases, both of the significant others have actively done things to alienate the siblings. In Tara's case, her now hubby - we'll call him Tom, got drunk and in his drunken state, he's attacked all of her siblings either physically or verbally. Now, Tom is an ok guy when he's not drinking. He's just one of those people that can't play nice after he's been drinking. I also believe that he was extremely jealous of her relationship with her family and knowing that the kids weren't too fond of him, felt the need to "protect" the relationship from us by keeping us away from her. Now, would I say that I think he thought this out? Absolutely not. Anymore than I think Donna has thought what she is doing out. I think Donna is insecure and jealous just as Tom was. Her methods of dealing with this are different than his because girls and guys deal with things differently. She manipulates Hurricane with words while Tom picked fights. Now, Tom in his sober state, didn't feel so paranoid about the closeness between the kids so he would tell Tara that he wanted her to be close to her family. That he wanted a relationship with her family. And I believe that when sober- Tom does want these things. I just believe that when he drinks, he gets paranoid about that same relationship and that it might take Tara's attention away from him and this insecurity is why he went out of his way to drive her family away. Donna does the same thing but she doesn't have to be drinking to be insecure and jealous. In my mind, that is actually worse - or maybe its more dangerous. Donna is manipulative to the point of lying. She has "set" people up to make them look bad and make it look like she's "trying". However, if you set someone up- you're expecting the worse and that's not "trying". With Donna, you don't know if you're getting what she really thinks or if you should be watching your back. With Tom, he's blunt. He's told me: I don't like you and you don't like me but I love your daughter and so I'll try to get along with you. Gotta love the honesty. Better that than having your words twisted or flat out lies told about you. So many times, I have heard from Donna and Hurricane these stories about Vix and Cal and their supposed "opinions". Well, most of the time, the story has some accuracy in it but it totally twisted beyond all comprehension of how it was actually said or intended. For example - for years, I have told Vix that she would be late to her own funeral but that I'll get her there in time to at least that. But now, when that goes back to Vix, it went back as I think Vix is blah blah blah twisted words because she can't ever get anywhere on time. Or Vix will tease me about being OCD because I put all my canned goods together in my cupboards. The kids will come back and tell me that Vix says I'm a controlling *itch because I have to have everything in its place. After 30 years of friendship, Vix and I are pretty good about being outspoken with each other. We know that our friendship can withstand honest criticism or teasing. We're pretty blunt with each other. Yet, Vix and I have busted them in this multiple times. They have continuously tried to cause problems between Vix and I. I get to the point of not knowing what to think about it all. But that's another issue altogether.

I have my own issues in life but worrying about who does or doesn't like me or being able to love more than one person without loving someone less is not one of those problems. I may be OCD and a lover of routine (maybe those are the same) but not jealous of the people my kids date. That's what we're supposed to do as parents - love them and teach them and then let them fly. They're supposed to find that person to love and make their own family. That doesn't mean that you forget where you came from - it means that you add to it. I know parents who are unwilling or unable to let go. Who can't let them grow up and make the mistakes that are in their future. They try to micromanage every bit of their childrens' lives. I know a woman who still puts her sons contacts in. He's 18. I know people who have forced their kids into the service because they thought that was what was "best for them". Maybe it was. But she was way less happy once he was gone than she was when he was home letting her tell him when to breathe. I know foster parents who have fallen into the trap of believing that they are the "only" parent and have tried to force the bio parents out of the kids lives. That didn't work well either. The foster parents end up alienating the kids when they try to push the other parents out of the kids lives and they end up being the one left out in the cold. I know a foster mom that had the child for several years. The kid probably didn't see the parents 2 or 3 times in those years. Phone contact was sporadic. Yet at the end of the story, the kid is living by the parents. They're the ones playing grandma and grandpa to her children, and the old foster parents.... they might have seen the babies maybe 2 or 3 times. So many times, I've seen that if you don't allow them to fly - they run away to get the chance. I think its better to teach them to fly. That way - hopefully the landing is a bit easier. On everyone.

I see this a lot in step-parent/ parent issues with the kids. The parents are jealous and don't want to "share" the kids. Hullo folks! Why would you not want someone else to love your children. Did you stop loving kid 1 when you had kid 2? No? Then why are you so insecure to think that the child will stop loving you? The step-parents are jealous in some cases of the previous relationship between the kids and the parents. They try so hard to fit in that it accents the differences. I've seen step-parents who try to keep the bickering and arguing between the parents going because it makes them feel more secure. They don't want the parents to get along. It might make their relationship with the parent less somehow. Well, no it wouldn't. It's awful hard to hold on to that bitterness and hatred forever folks. It doesn't hurt the person you're hating. It hurts you. And it will hurt the kids. Do you have to be best friends with your new spouses ex? No, that would be sort of weird. But why aggravate the situation? Why do things to keep the bitterness alive? Why hold on to the bitterness of previous years or incidences when or if the other parent is ready to move past it? Hurt feelings? If you're a parent - get used to them. If you can't take getting your feelings hurt, you better just lock yourself in a box and live there once your kids hit about 10. Eventually, they're going to get mad. They're going to want to strike out at you. And they're going to know exactly what to do or say to make the maximum impact. Its a talent folks. And all teenagers have it. Which brings me back to....

I miss the days when my kids were all young and all I had to worry about what who was going to be the next ER visit for stitches or a broken bone....