Home again... home again... jiggedy jig

God and the Doctor willing, I head home today. Yes, I've enjoyed my visit. No, the kids haven't caused any drama. Yes, I'm glad I battled my inner demons and was here for my friend. But, all the same, the trees- the peace- the quiet- my house- they all call to me. Now, I say Doctor willing because I have no idea what's going to happen today with my doc. This is the doc. After years and years of having doctor after doctor not know what was wrong with me- after multiple surgeries to fix this problem or that one - this doctor is the one that connected all the dots. He's the one that knows how this disease progresses. He's the one calling the shots. He's the one that kept me walking this long. This guy is not someone that you would expect to find in the town he's in. He's in this little hick town. Small town USA. The town itself, maybe 3 traffic lights? The doctor trained in the largest trauma orthopedic unit in CA. Offers from all over the world to go into practice. And he ended up here? He has doctors flying in from all over the US so that he can treat them. We asked him about it. My friend, Cathy, and I. His wife gave him the choice of fame or family. She wanted to come back here to where she was born and raised. He chose his wife. Said he never regretted it and hasn't looked back. I think he got both in a way. He sets his practice hours. He's there for his wife and kids. And those who want him- they fly (or drive) to him. And honestly, you gotta admire a man who put his family first. You have to admire anyone who can let go of something that big and do pick their family. Most of us can't let go of something small and make the same choice. How many marriages in today's world crash and burn over selfish choices? Over one person not being able to put the needs of their spouse and marriage over something their mind is set on? Mine did. My ex had his mind set on something and he had to have it his way. Kristi's ex - the same way. His way or the highway. My friend, Cathy- her previous marriage was the same thing. Her way or the highway though - not his.

And what happens when you have two hard-headed people in a marriage? My mom said that her marriage survived the 49 years it did (before my daddy died) because they were committed to it. Committed to making it work. Did they fight? Oh yea! Big juicy ones. They fought over me. I know because I was a horrible monster teen. And I was a daddy's girl. If I could get to my daddy and tell him my side of the story before my mom got to him - he'd take my side every time. Was that right? From this side of the window looking in... not one little bit. My mom had it rough there for a while. I'm surprised she didn't throw in the towel. Daddy sure was putting someone else in front of her and their marriage. Even if it was one of their children, it wasn't right. But she didn't and their marriage survived almost another 20 years after I left. And my mom - she still wears her wedding ring. And daddy's been gone 6 years now. You don't see that kind of commitment much anymore. It's too easy for folks to say - eh, I'm done. And for 2nd or 3rd or so on marriages, the rate of divorce raises astronomically. Why is that? Well, for one, I think that when you've already been divorced once - number 2 (or 3 or 7) is easier. Add in the stress of an ex-spouse or kids from a previous marriage and it raises the stress level on the marriage. And when you have antagonism between the current and the ex... well, that puts an even bigger strain on things. Or what if the current spouse doesn't care for you children? What if they don't want them around? Or they've raised their kids and the new step-kids are younger and they don't want to raise kids any more? Then that puts the mom or dad in one heck of a pickle doesn't it? They have to choose between their spouse and their children. Of what if the new spouse does things to come between the parent and visitation? What if they do things to give the ex ammo or reason to go to court and withhold the kids? Then what does the parent do? Do they stay married and not get to see their children? Or do they get divorced and hope that there hasn't been so much damage done that they get visitation back some time in the future?

My kids are victims of the divorce train. They had a parent that didn't much care if he saw them or not. A step-parent who didn't want them around and made sure that she gave the courts enough ammo to get the hubby she claimed to love so much "supervised visits". Did he help matters out with his actions? LOL Of course not. He's much too selfish of a person for that. And here we are now with girlfriend number who knows post divorce and another divorce behind him and he's still clueless. 11 years later, he doesn't know my kids at all. He might recognize them if he saw them. Maybe. But he doesn't know who they are. He doesn't know the people that they've become. And the time that he lost? It can't be replaced. They're not ever going to have that first bike ride or learn to swim or the first formal or the first girl/boyfriend. That's gone. The first heartbreak? With the exception of B - all lived thru and survived. And B? He wouldn't recognize the ex if he passed him on the street.

The ex, SD, threatened to kill himself if he got sentenced to prison. Said he wouldn't go behind bars. Well, he's out of continuances. He's out of pardons. In January his trial starts. And he's looking at life. Well, over 100 years and even with good time- that's more than 50 years. For a man who is over 40 already and has emphysema and the beginning of cirrhosis of the liver. So, then I thought... if he died, would I go to the funeral. Well, the funeral is to pay your respects to the living - not the dead. And I don't much care for anyone that he's leaving behind. And after the hillbilly funeral they gave his grandma and then drank up her insurance money (remember the pine box and no bed pick-up truck), I would bet that they don't do him any better. Should my kids go? They don't know him any more than he knows them. He didn't make any effort when he was alive. What do they owe him in death? Elmer- almost a year old now. He's never even asked for a picture. Would the kids want to go? Oh the thought is hilarious. No. They have point blank refused to even consider it in the past. And, with the exception of B, they are all too old for me to "make" at this time.

Well, Elmer is up and on the move so I need to run. I have to get ready for the doctor anyhow. Cathy is coming to pick me up. While I'm in that nice little town, I have to stop by the drivers license branch and pick up the stuff for B to get his permit. My baby is going to be driving y'all!

Keep smiling

I'm done

Its been almost 11 years since SD and I divorced. And honestly, I choke on using the word "dad" where he's concerned after all this time. In this time, he has not done one single, solitary thing to act like a "dad" or "father" for them. We're not talking about a man who has fought tooth and nail to get parenting time with his kids. We're not talking about a man who makes even minimum effort to maintain any type of relationship. We're talking about someone who hasn't taken the time to spend so much as $1 to send his kids a card in 11 years. We're talking about kids who weren't given so much as the courtesy as a phone call when he got remarried or when their great-grandma died (or when their grandma's husband died who was the man they always called grandpa x). And I don't mean just from SD. I'm talking about nothing from his whole family. Its like I divorced SD and the kids died. That's how his family has [not] treated them. Well, not even that. Because if they had died- someone might have mourned them. It's like they never existed. My ex has (had) 5 sisters, a brother, and 3 step-brothers. He has a mom and dad both still alive. Mom was remarried and they had a (step) grandpa that they really loved. His mom is one of 17 kids and most of old town is related to him. Every single person that they were friends with BD (before divorce) was related to them in some way or another and they were denied all those relationships PD (post divorce).

I did not do this folks. For the last 11 years, I have sent emails and made phone calls. I have begged (and I am NOT a begging type person) SD to step up. To make any type of effort with the kids. When he told me that he was not going to give "me his money to blow on myself" instead of being offended or laughing in his face about this I told him fine. Send the kids those prepaid cards in their names or send them gift cards that they could use for things that they wanted or needed. And let me tell you how big a joke it is for him to accuse me of that. I never buy anything for myself. Never. I am still wearing the underthings that I had before I lost 63 pounds never. Ok- so maybe y'all didn't want to hear that much info. Sorry. But that's how much I mean I never spend money on myself. Every single thing in my wardrobe came from someone else. Either a gift from someone for Christmas or my birthday or a hand me down from someone when I lost weight. And I have a very nice wardrobe thanks to some of my friends too. Clothes that I couldn't have afforded to buy myself for that matter so I am definitely not complaining. Just giving an example. I have been known to spend my birthday money on something that the kids wanted type of never spend money on myself. I really am the type to be happy with what I have. It doesn't take a bunch of material stuff to make me happy. I don't need 10 pairs of shoes or the latest gadget. I have a crackberry because that was what the free upgrade was when I needed a new phone. My wants and needs are really fairly simple. But, this isn't where I was going. Sorry again! Even my offer for him to send things directly to the kids was ignored. His excuse that he gave- I "wouldn't let the kids have it". Right! Cause I offered to let him send stuff to the kids rather than pay support and then I was going to not let the kids have it. I give the kids his big $17 a month in support now! Not that it gets them much of anything but Little Man put his 1/2 in his gas tank this week and I really don't know what B is doing with his 1/2. And money is tight this month folks. I really could have used that money for my gas tank. Just joking. I have sent him emails trying to let him know what the kids are up to. My responses have always been abuse. Cussing me out - telling me to not "bother him" or threats of physical violence. And yes, I finally quit because he obviously didn't want the information. I tried to keep his family involved. I made every phone call to them for over 10 years. Not once did they pick up a phone to call and ask me how the kids are. Not one time did any of them ever send the kids a card or acknowledge their existence. Now, I'm not saying that these people never call me. They called me. But they never ask about the kids during those calls. They call me when they need to chat about their lives. When his sisters new hubby got arrested or when she got arrested for child neglect or when her daughter got hit by a truck and broke her leg (because don't you know that an 11 year old should be crossing the main street in town on a motor scooter that she's not even legal to ride?) They send me friends requests on facebook and myspace - but they only do that to steal my pictures and give them to him. After this happened several times, I just removed them all from those sites. Doesn't stop them from sending friends requests over and over again. You'd think they'd get the hint after 6 or 7 times of being told no. I mean, I'm not the shy type. I tell them exactly why I'm denying their requests. They obviously have my number because they send me stupid forwards about how I need to send x on to 24012 people or have bad luck in life. I obviously already had bad luck (or bad judgement at least) or I wouldn't have the misfortune of ever having to deal with them. But not one time has any of them ever sent me a text asking how the kids are. Now, I will go on record here and say this. He has one 1/2 sister that lives about 40 miles from here. She is the exception to the rule. She texts me constantly. She asks how the kids are. She is not "involved" per se but she does make an attempt. One sister out of the 8 siblings (there used to be 9 but one of them passed away in 2002).

Its been almost 11 years now. My kids are grown. I don't want to deal with these people anymore (the one sister excluded from that statement). All the ones who go celebrate SD's birthday with him and can't be bothered to send my kids a card or pick up the phone and call them- I don't want to deal with. They're not my "friends". They're not even acquaintances anymore. They're people who have hurt my kids repeatedly with their indifference and I just don't want to be bothered. And I have told them this. And yesterday, I sent a message to SD asking him to ask them to stop. I told him that any and all contact relating to the kids was always welcome and would be answered. I told him that any time any of them wanted to send anything to the kids that I would be more than happy to pass it on. That any questions about Little Man and B or requests for information about how they're doing would be welcome. But that I wanted the repeated friend requests and forwarded texts to stop. That there should be no contact that doesn't concern the kids from here on out. And yes, I'm sure that there will be people out there that think I'm a "bitch" for this. People that think I'm wrong. What I will say is - that these same folks who send me the texts and friends requests- never use that to contact the kids. Never even ask about the kids. And are the same people who have repeatedly hurt the kids by ignoring their needs and wants and relationship to the family and their very existence. And that's why I'm done with them and their games.

Well, off here to go run Little Man to the Dr. He goes in one town at 10:15 and B has to go see the orthopedic in another town (30 miles away) at 2. B's wrist has not healed right and we're a bit afraid that they are going to suggest surgery at today's appointment. I'm looking at going to go see Ice Cube for his birthday on Thursday. Hope y'all have a great day!

vacation time

25 years ago, I was pregnant with Tara. A lifetime ago isn't it. Longer than some of my bestest bloggy friends have been alive. I'm so old. Pregnancy with Tara was not easy. I had gestational diabetes and I was borderline toxemic. I found out I was pregnant when I got drug to the doctor after I threw up for so long that I started dehydrating. I thought I had the flu. Surprise! The 9 month flu. Anyhow, here I was going thru a high risk pregnancy and every time you go to the doctor, they wanted to know family medical history. I didn't have one. My birth mom was a 17 year old unwed mom who gave me up for adoption. It was the mid 60's. Things like that just weren't done. Her parents shipped her off to a home for unwed moms. One of those places where girls went to wait till their babies were born and then given up. They told everyone that she went to go help a sick aunt who had a bunch of kids. Since she wasn't showing at the holidays, she was allowed to come home for Christmas and no one ever knew. How do I know this you ask? I got tired of sounding like broken record every time I went to the doctor. Any history of this? I don't know. Parents or grandparents still alive? I don't know. I decided that medical history was one of those things that needed to be given to the adoptive parents. It should be a mandatory along with a way to update said medical information. What they gave out back then was non-identifying information. Father was this height and had this color eyes. Mother was this height and had this color hair. Nothing that helped explain gestational diabetes.

So, I found an adoptee search rights organization. And found my birth mother. I won't go into the boring details and time that the search took. I will tell you that we used the greatest discretion in contacting this woman. I did not make the initial call. A woman from the organization did. They didn't want me to bother her if she didn't want the contact. Its a good thing that we were discrete because her husband and son had no idea that I existed. And I didn't want to upset her life. I just wanted any or all medical information that was available.

She did decide to tell both her husband and son that I existed. Her mom was very upset that she decided to let me into her life. I met her somewhere around the 15 year mark of bio-mom and I meeting. Up until that point, BM was banned from mentioning my name around her mom. Her mom... my biological grandma. A woman who didn't want to know what I looked like or know my name or meet my kids. Great huh!

Over the course of time, she and I came to know each other a bit. We share quite a bit genetically but as far as beliefs go - we are worlds apart. We share nothing in how we look at the world. She had a son 9 years after she had me. She had 4 miscarriages between my birth and his. She thought God was punishing her for giving me away and that he was her miracle baby. Consequently, she tended to look at younger brother thru rose colored glasses. She wouldn't even consider that he would do anything less than perfect. This is not a good way to raise a child here folks. At some point, kids have to be held accountable for their actions. Little Brother- he ended up in prison on drug charges. He's in his 30's and still lives at home. He still works fast food and drives a car that his parents bought.

Even though we live in the same state and up until my move, we lived within 30 miles of each other, we are not close. We send Christmas cards. Up until 5 years ago, we would get together around Christmas. 5 years ago my we found out my mom had cancer. Bio-mom had some not so nice things to say about my mom and we had words. we have maintained some small measure of contact since then but its limited to Christmas cards and the occasional phone call. When I got my Christmas card this year, it had a recipe in it. A recipe that I had been asking for for many a year. One that she had told me that she had promised to never give out. Right then, I had the feeling that something was wrong. I asked her if she wanted to see Little Bit while I was back in old town this week. She has never seen the baby (who cut his first tooth today by the way!). She said due to some health issues, she didn't think that this weekend would be a good time. That she would love to see him but that they just weren't up to it health wise. I asked if the health issues were anything that she'd like to share and she let me know that she had a major heart attack this past year. She has had to have heart surgery and that she was currently having heart issues again and was looking at another surgery. Additionally, her husband had been diagnosed with colon cancer and had just come out of the hospital after having to have surgery on this. I should be upset over this. This is, biologically at least, my mom. But I am not at all upset. Shocked. Maybe a little hurt that she didn't tell me when this all started a year ago. But, not upset. No pain in my tummy. No sense of - no this can't be happening to me. I lost my dad 6 years ago to pancreatic cancer. My "real" dad. The man who rocked me when I was a baby. The man who drove 3 hours to pick up Tara for me when I was in college and had exams and she got chicken pox. Just like my "real" mom was the one who nursed me thru chicken pox, mumps and a bad case of teenage attitude (and I mean a bad case!). How horrid does this make me? Or am I just in shock?

In other notes, my original plans were to leave Ice Cube and Ruth's house on Friday morning. After phone conversations with both Ruth and Ice Cube today where they both asked me to please come sooner, I am trying to be ready to leave tomorrow. Trying. If I don't lose what little mind I have left first. I don't know how much or what kind of internet access I will have once I get there. Please y'all forgive me if I miss something on your blogs in the next several days. And please forgive me if my posting leaves something to be desired. I don't know if I will be able to post at all. I will try. But if y'all don't hear from me between now and Monday, please don't worry. I am going to take a nice vacation. I'm going to spend time with my grandson who changes daily. I'm going to visit with some of my old friends. I'm going to relax and miss y'all like crazy! I can keep up somewhat on my crack berry. But for those of you who do password protected posts, I'll probably have withdrawal symptoms because I won't be able to access these until I get home.

I'll miss y'all!

In years passed (2)....

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