controversy?

What a day. Nothing abnormal. Nothing unusual. I don't know what part of today kicked my tail. But I consider it well and truly kicked. This was a fairly normal day. Take care of dogs, cat, ferret, get rid of the guinea pig body, take care of the chickens and make sure they have plenty of food, water, and warmth before the bad weather hits us. Yeah - and I know all my friends on the east coast are saying "finally!". We are supposed to start getting it tomorrow. I have the boys bringing firewood in tonight to get things ready. I dealt with dishes, laundry, kids, straightening up and school work. I didn't do any heavy lifting (its against my religion). I also went thru the 7 pages of fax from the insurance company for what they are paying to fix from the flood of a month or so ago (remember, flood- Little Man - drowned back hall, bath and bedroom). I'm hoping that by doing a lot of the work ourselves, we can maybe fix a few other odds and ends at the same time.

I see so many people writing and emailing about visitation. How much is "right" to share with the child's other parent about your plans with the children when it's "your" time. Do you "owe" the other parent any explanations? Do they "owe" you. At what point does that line begin. How about with common courtesy. Its like I tell my kids. Its not so much that you have to ask permission when I know what your plans are. But I do require the courtesy of a phone call when you go from place to place. Its a courtesy thing. Now, when you go thru a divorce, you obviously don't need to tell the ex when you go to the grocery store or out for dinner or about any other normal plans. But, don't you think that if the child gets sick on your watch, or you're taking your children out of town on vacation or on a cruise, don't you think then it would be nice to give the other parent a heads up? You don't need their permission. It's not that you owe them an explanation. Its a courtesy thing. I mean, if y'all were still together- you'd obviously tell the other parent where you were going if you were leaving town right? And this especially goes for custodial parents. Guys - when 2 adults divorce, the divorce is between the parents. Not the kids.

I finally gave my ex's family an earful about this same subject a few months ago. SD and I divorced. I left their family. Not my kids. It really sets my red headed temper off when they treat my kids like they died. My kids are here. They're healthy, happy, semi-normal individuals. My marriage died. Not my kids. Yet, for 11 years now, they have been totally ignored. Not a single card. Not a call. They're not notified when people marry (not even SD) or when people die (not even when they lost their grandma). My cell phone number - hasn't changed. My address? I've made sure they had it up until I moved this year. I called his mom on Mothers Days and her birthdays. I sent cards to his nieces and nephew. I sent pictures. I kept his family in the loop. I have had no way to reach SD directly, but I did keep his family in the loop. And yes, I even let them know when I was taking the kids out of town. I even spent over a month tracking SD down when I took the kids on a cruise and was taking them out of the country. I didn't need passports so I didn't need his permission. For that matter, I don't need his signature for pass ports for the kids. I got word back to his mom when I took the kids to Yellowstone. I contacted his family when I went back to IN to see my family. Did I contact him? Absolutely not. I couldn't. I didn't know where he was or a phone number. He moves frequently to avoid child support. He has informed all his family that I am not to be given his number.

I got a text from my ex sis-in-law this morning. His baby sister. The one he's closest to. She sent me a forward. She obviously knows my number. Yet, when Little Bit was born - not a word. Not a card. Well, I called her to make sure she knew. She told me to let Ice Cube know that she and her mom were sending a package. I told her that I'd let it be a surprise. That way if something "came up" and the package never came- Ice Cube wouldn't be hurt again. Guess what? No package. Little Bit is 7 months old now. Well, I texted her back today. First thing I asked was "who is this". And it came back [ ex SIL name]. Well, I ended up texting her back and letting her know that "if she wanted to text or call me about Little Man or B - that was fine and great. Any time she had any questions - I would be glad to talk to her. However, please no more forwards." In other words, she wants to contact me about the kids- fine. About anything else- lose my number. 5 more months, and the offer for news about Little Man goes off the table too. 3 more years- I'm changing my number.

Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe its not the other parents business what you do with your time. And don't go misunderstanding me folks. I didn't say it was their decision or you needed permission. I'm just saying that the kids are both of yours. Both. Of. Yours. Why should they suffer from either one of you getting all immature or possessive about them. Didn't either one of you create those babies by yourself. It took two to tango and the responsibility should go to both of you. Ok, so you and your ex (who may be a total psycho) don't talk. Or maybe they're the type that would try to mess up your vacation if you say something in advance. And like I said- you don't need their permission. The kids are yours too. So long as you aren't breaking your court order by doing whatever - you have the right to do it. But why not send an email on the way out of town. If you have to - let them know when it's too late for them to mess up your plans. But you'd want to know if the shoe were on the other foot. If he/she were taking the kids out of town, or in for an appendectomy, or on a cruise - you'd want them to have enough courtesy to tell you. Oh so here's where I hear - well, so and so doesn't tell me so why should I tell them? So, is this what you want to teach your children. If someone is immature and acts like a bitch to you - you should "pay them back". You want to teach your kids that two wrongs make a right? You want to teach your children that its ok to hold grudges and "get someone back"? Because sure as the sun will rise tomorrow - what you do is what you teach your kids. And if you think that little Johnny or Susie is too young to know what's up - well, chances are that you're wrong. Chances are they see and hear more than you give them credit for. I know my boys have popped up with memories of things that happened when they were 3 or 4 years old. Things that I had about forgotten about. And I've looked at them and had to ask - how in the devil did you even remember that?

Would I call SD at this point and time if we were taking a weekend trip? For example, when we go to see Ms Minnie this summer, am I going to spend a month tracking him down to tell him that I'm driving 4 hours away for the weekend? Probably not now. Did I when the kids were younger? Yea, I would at least get a message to his mom or sister. That's the best I could do. Can't notify someone who won't let me have his address or phone number. Now, don't think I'm all that nice here folks. I'm not the kind of ex who sent him a birthday card from the kids on his birthday. Wasn't going to happen. Would I have bought him one if the kids had asked? Sure. But by the time his birthday came around that first year, he had already skipped everyone's birthday but Little Man's (who has his birthday the week after SD's). When I mentioned his birthday that year, the kids were very adamant that he hadn't bothered to send them anything for their birthdays - they weren't interested in sending him anything for his. He taught his kids that birthdays weren't important to him by his actions. It was a lesson they learned from his behavior. They never missed my birthday. Even if Tara did buy herself a coffee pot for my birthday one year ( I have never in my life liked coffee and don't drink it).

I'm sure this post is going to get my head torn off by a few folks here and there. Leave at least a little bit attached so I can think to argue with my kids later tonight please. I have to be able to think fast with these boys or my head might explode. ;)

Off to watch American Idol. Gotta see if anyone catches my attention for this year.