controversy?

What a day. Nothing abnormal. Nothing unusual. I don't know what part of today kicked my tail. But I consider it well and truly kicked. This was a fairly normal day. Take care of dogs, cat, ferret, get rid of the guinea pig body, take care of the chickens and make sure they have plenty of food, water, and warmth before the bad weather hits us. Yeah - and I know all my friends on the east coast are saying "finally!". We are supposed to start getting it tomorrow. I have the boys bringing firewood in tonight to get things ready. I dealt with dishes, laundry, kids, straightening up and school work. I didn't do any heavy lifting (its against my religion). I also went thru the 7 pages of fax from the insurance company for what they are paying to fix from the flood of a month or so ago (remember, flood- Little Man - drowned back hall, bath and bedroom). I'm hoping that by doing a lot of the work ourselves, we can maybe fix a few other odds and ends at the same time.

I see so many people writing and emailing about visitation. How much is "right" to share with the child's other parent about your plans with the children when it's "your" time. Do you "owe" the other parent any explanations? Do they "owe" you. At what point does that line begin. How about with common courtesy. Its like I tell my kids. Its not so much that you have to ask permission when I know what your plans are. But I do require the courtesy of a phone call when you go from place to place. Its a courtesy thing. Now, when you go thru a divorce, you obviously don't need to tell the ex when you go to the grocery store or out for dinner or about any other normal plans. But, don't you think that if the child gets sick on your watch, or you're taking your children out of town on vacation or on a cruise, don't you think then it would be nice to give the other parent a heads up? You don't need their permission. It's not that you owe them an explanation. Its a courtesy thing. I mean, if y'all were still together- you'd obviously tell the other parent where you were going if you were leaving town right? And this especially goes for custodial parents. Guys - when 2 adults divorce, the divorce is between the parents. Not the kids.

I finally gave my ex's family an earful about this same subject a few months ago. SD and I divorced. I left their family. Not my kids. It really sets my red headed temper off when they treat my kids like they died. My kids are here. They're healthy, happy, semi-normal individuals. My marriage died. Not my kids. Yet, for 11 years now, they have been totally ignored. Not a single card. Not a call. They're not notified when people marry (not even SD) or when people die (not even when they lost their grandma). My cell phone number - hasn't changed. My address? I've made sure they had it up until I moved this year. I called his mom on Mothers Days and her birthdays. I sent cards to his nieces and nephew. I sent pictures. I kept his family in the loop. I have had no way to reach SD directly, but I did keep his family in the loop. And yes, I even let them know when I was taking the kids out of town. I even spent over a month tracking SD down when I took the kids on a cruise and was taking them out of the country. I didn't need passports so I didn't need his permission. For that matter, I don't need his signature for pass ports for the kids. I got word back to his mom when I took the kids to Yellowstone. I contacted his family when I went back to IN to see my family. Did I contact him? Absolutely not. I couldn't. I didn't know where he was or a phone number. He moves frequently to avoid child support. He has informed all his family that I am not to be given his number.

I got a text from my ex sis-in-law this morning. His baby sister. The one he's closest to. She sent me a forward. She obviously knows my number. Yet, when Little Bit was born - not a word. Not a card. Well, I called her to make sure she knew. She told me to let Ice Cube know that she and her mom were sending a package. I told her that I'd let it be a surprise. That way if something "came up" and the package never came- Ice Cube wouldn't be hurt again. Guess what? No package. Little Bit is 7 months old now. Well, I texted her back today. First thing I asked was "who is this". And it came back [ ex SIL name]. Well, I ended up texting her back and letting her know that "if she wanted to text or call me about Little Man or B - that was fine and great. Any time she had any questions - I would be glad to talk to her. However, please no more forwards." In other words, she wants to contact me about the kids- fine. About anything else- lose my number. 5 more months, and the offer for news about Little Man goes off the table too. 3 more years- I'm changing my number.

Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe its not the other parents business what you do with your time. And don't go misunderstanding me folks. I didn't say it was their decision or you needed permission. I'm just saying that the kids are both of yours. Both. Of. Yours. Why should they suffer from either one of you getting all immature or possessive about them. Didn't either one of you create those babies by yourself. It took two to tango and the responsibility should go to both of you. Ok, so you and your ex (who may be a total psycho) don't talk. Or maybe they're the type that would try to mess up your vacation if you say something in advance. And like I said- you don't need their permission. The kids are yours too. So long as you aren't breaking your court order by doing whatever - you have the right to do it. But why not send an email on the way out of town. If you have to - let them know when it's too late for them to mess up your plans. But you'd want to know if the shoe were on the other foot. If he/she were taking the kids out of town, or in for an appendectomy, or on a cruise - you'd want them to have enough courtesy to tell you. Oh so here's where I hear - well, so and so doesn't tell me so why should I tell them? So, is this what you want to teach your children. If someone is immature and acts like a bitch to you - you should "pay them back". You want to teach your kids that two wrongs make a right? You want to teach your children that its ok to hold grudges and "get someone back"? Because sure as the sun will rise tomorrow - what you do is what you teach your kids. And if you think that little Johnny or Susie is too young to know what's up - well, chances are that you're wrong. Chances are they see and hear more than you give them credit for. I know my boys have popped up with memories of things that happened when they were 3 or 4 years old. Things that I had about forgotten about. And I've looked at them and had to ask - how in the devil did you even remember that?

Would I call SD at this point and time if we were taking a weekend trip? For example, when we go to see Ms Minnie this summer, am I going to spend a month tracking him down to tell him that I'm driving 4 hours away for the weekend? Probably not now. Did I when the kids were younger? Yea, I would at least get a message to his mom or sister. That's the best I could do. Can't notify someone who won't let me have his address or phone number. Now, don't think I'm all that nice here folks. I'm not the kind of ex who sent him a birthday card from the kids on his birthday. Wasn't going to happen. Would I have bought him one if the kids had asked? Sure. But by the time his birthday came around that first year, he had already skipped everyone's birthday but Little Man's (who has his birthday the week after SD's). When I mentioned his birthday that year, the kids were very adamant that he hadn't bothered to send them anything for their birthdays - they weren't interested in sending him anything for his. He taught his kids that birthdays weren't important to him by his actions. It was a lesson they learned from his behavior. They never missed my birthday. Even if Tara did buy herself a coffee pot for my birthday one year ( I have never in my life liked coffee and don't drink it).

I'm sure this post is going to get my head torn off by a few folks here and there. Leave at least a little bit attached so I can think to argue with my kids later tonight please. I have to be able to think fast with these boys or my head might explode. ;)

Off to watch American Idol. Gotta see if anyone catches my attention for this year.

Its American Idol time!!!!!

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madness and mayhem -

The SD:  Sperm donor is the oldest of 7 kids.  He has 2 sisters that he shares a mom with that all 3 have different fathers.  He has a brother and 3 sisters on his dad's side.  All 4 of those siblings have the same father as him and the same mom as each other.  He also has 3 step-brothers from his step-mom.  His parents divorced during his mom's pregnancy and his mom never re-married until after all her kids were grown.  She finally married his youngest sisters dad a few years ago right before he died.  They knew he was dying and he wanted to marry her before he passed even though they had been broken up for over 10 years at the time.  By the time all this went down, SD and I were long since divorced and so while I know what happened, I wasn't privy to all the whys and wherefores.  Oldest sister on mom's side, Susan,  has 3 kids and is seriously bi-polar.  She cut off her internet and phone a few years ago for fear of the government spying on her.  (Yes, I'm serious).  Oldest sister on dad's side, Karin,  is a drug addict.  She doesn't have either of her 2 kids and hasn't since they were like 2 and 4 - they're now 16 and 18.  Brother from dad, John,  is in prison and looking to be there for a nice long time.  Last I heard from him (he writes me) he was being investigated for some sort of prison stabbing and had been moved from a minimum facility to a maximum.  Youngest sister from dad, Marcy,  passed away 7 years ago.  She had 4 kids.  Middle sister from dad is Tia.  She is raising oldest sisters son, her own 2 kids, and 3 of 4 kids from youngest sister.  Tia is the only one out of ALL of them that has a lick of sense.  Don't know how good that works for her as she is the one that all the rest of the siblings dump everything on.  Tia told me yesterday that Karin called her to ask Tia what Tia got for Karin's son for his birthday.  Now, Karin didn't even bother to call her son on  his birthday, let alone buy him anything so I'm not sure why she was so interested in what Tia was doing.  Tia is the one paying for all his graduation things.  Youngest sister on mom's side, Reese,  is in trouble right now.  I just read this morning that she and her hubby have been charged with felony neglect of an infant resulting in his death.  When he died a few years ago, the baby's death was originally listed as SIDS.  It wasn't until they had another baby and went to get an apnea monitor for the new baby that everything started coming out.   At that point, the monitor company apparently reported that the monitor wasn't used correctly.  Charges have since been filed by the county prosecutor and Reese is in hot water.  3 weeks before all this, Reese's hubby had been arrested on federal felony drug charges and is already sitting behind bars.  The new baby is in foster care and I have no idea what's going to happen to the children Reese already had by her ex-hubby.  Ex-hubby isn't going to get them because he's already in jail.  All in all, one huge mess.  

You might ask why this bothers me?   Because I was there when all these kids were born.  Reese's 2 oldest kids email me on a regular basis.  The younger of the 2 more sporadically, but the older one emails me and calls me several times a week.  Reese has always maintained that I am the aunt.  Not any of her brother's girlfriends that come in and out of their lives.  And it wasn't the parents that put the baby down to sleep that night.  It was the oldest child.  That in itself was wrong.  Oldest child wasn't old enough at all to have responsibility for a baby.  Let alone one that had quit breathing in the hospital and went home on an apnea machine.  According to the paper, baby was laid in the bassinet on it's tummy on an adult pillow ie: face down. That's how the charges were written up.  The article also states that the apnea monitor wasn't used in the manner as prescribed by medical staff.   All this is coming down several years after the baby passed and was buried.  At that time, Reese couldn't figure out why the monitor didn't go off.  I told her then that if the monitor company wouldn't give her answers then to get her attorney on it to get them.  And Reese, is a flake.  She thought it would all just work itself out.  So, she happily went on with her pregnancy and now one child is in foster care and 3 others could end up there.  

Well, time to run pick up Little Man from school.  He's dealing with all his tickets and turned his grades around.  He's running straight A's again in everything besides art.  None of his tickets were for anything bad per se.  He got one for speeding when he's doing teen court and community service for.  One for another driving offense that he's doing defensive driving for.  And then the minor in possession of tobacco one he had 8 hours of community service and a tobacco awareness class that he has to do.  So, he's buckling down and taking care of all of that.  He did 5 hours of community service Saturday towards the 8 and is doing the other 3 today.  He's already done 8 of the other 42 he had for the speeding ticket.  He did one of his teen court terms last night.  He has 3 more to do.  By June, when we move, he will have completed all of this and straightened out his life.   He's decided where he wants to go to college and is actively working towards that goal now.  And his attitude is reflecting that new resolve.  Just so you know, I wouldn't normally let him miss school to take care of a ticket...  however they only gave him a few weeks to do the 8 hours and we were out of town over spring break so we ran out of time.  He took all the hours he could over the weekend and I warned him this is a one time deal.  He has 2 months to take care of the other hours and he will be working on those every Saturday until they're completed.  

Good luck to Danny tonight in American Idol!  Michael was eliminated last week and it wasn't a very big surprise.  I never expected Michael to see the top 5 even.  But, now it's Danny that will get my votes.  I, personally, can't stand Adam.  Good luck Danny!

Random updates

~ Cal has come to his senses and is no longer blaming me for the meds disappearing.  I don't know if Vix beat him into the head with some sense or he just got enough sleep for his brain to start working again.

~Apparently, the hard feelings that started around Ice Cube's birthday between Ice Cube and Hurricane are still going strong.   As a parent this really saddens me.  Detailed in Happy Birthday Ice Cube parts 1, 2, and 3.  

~Today is B's physical therapy again.  He's had a lot of problems with his shoulder this week!  He's been unable to do some of the therapy due to returned pain.

~ Monday we leave to go spend several days at our new property.  Today I have to stop and pick up some things that we need to take with us.  I already have paint in the car ready to go.  The blueberry bushes have been delivered to the ex-sister-in-laws.  The 2 younger boys have a dental appointment Monday morning and we'll be leaving out straight from there.

~ It's been raining here for 3 days.  We have received most of our YEARLY rainfall expectations this week.  Hope it's not raining next week as that would make it hard to get our planting done.  

~ Congrats to Michael and Danny who made it thru the first eliminations on American Idol.  I agree with Paula when she said she could see Danny in the finals.  I'm hoping Michael stays around long enough to get a recording contract.   As Kou said.....  American Idol addicts unite!

Well, time to start this journey.  I'm getting very excited about the trip to the new property.  I can't wait to see if they've done the clean up that they were supposed to do.  I'll try to post from there - I am taking the lap top with and the hotel has internet.  

the lesson I learned

I've mentioned Vix and Cal.  They are my bestest friends and the kids god-parents.  I have called Vix my "sister" for more years than I care to admit.  She and Cal are still so much in love.  Cal has MS.  Multiple Sclerosis. It's a rotten, horrid, awful disease that's eating his body little by little.  Vix takes extraordinary care of Cal.  Cal had acute onset MS.  He was in the military and doing some sort of exercises.  He got into a tank in southern TX heat.  He came out with MS.  MS is aggravated by heat.  The heat causes flair ups.  Now, if you think living in TX is not the best idea for Cal - rest assured that he is quite comfortable in the AC.  Vix is very careful with making sure that their house stays acceptably cool for him.  And the new house that's being designed is specially designed for staying comfortable.  They're building a dome house.  Most dome houses stay at around 72-75 degrees without using either heat or air.  At least the type they're building.  

Cal is much healthier than many people with his type of MS.  We are so very careful to not expose him to anything. A simple cold bug is dangerous to people with MS (like many other diseases).  I'd explain the whys of all this but I'm not that technical.  I will say that I believe the reason Cal is still doing as well as he does is because of the care that they take with his health.  And although the disease has done nasty things to his body- Cal has a brilliant mind. He's a MAC developer and some program he wrote is standard issue on all MAC computers now.  (like I said- I'm not a technical minded person).  

As well as Cal is doing considering his medical issues.  Helping him - I hate to say "taking care of him" - is a time consuming process.  He needs help getting in and out of bed.  There are days that he can't get out of bed.  Someone has to cook for him and make his plate.  He's at the point now where fine motor control is a struggle so he even needs help cutting up his food.  He needs help getting to the bathroom, getting his clothes, Vix gets him his medicine, makes him whatever he's hungry for, he has special drinks that need fixed- you name it and she does it.  And when he's have a bad day or a bad week - what suffers is the other stuff she has to do like housework.  And with the trip to Vegas- well, you know who had to do all the packing.  

So today, my friend and I went over there and cleaned house for her.  We did it as a special something for her.  Because she's always taking care of him.  (Cal does spoil her financially though and is very loving to her so you could say that he spoils her in his own way).  But my friend, who took care of their cats while they've been in Vegas, thought that this would be a nice thing to do for Vix.  Cal had been not very well before they went to Vegas and the house was in need of some tender, loving care.  My friend is a much nicer, caring person than I am and she comes up with these great ideas.  So, we went over and did a thorough clean on her kitchen for her.  We wiped down the cabinets, moved everything and did the floor, and totally bleached down her counters.  We also stripped down their bed, washed the sheets and remade it and ran the vacuum in the house.  We wanted to get to the bathrooms too but we ran out of time.  I did several loads of laundry while I was there and folded the laundry that she had in the dryer.  I say thank you to Mrs. JJ for coming up with the idea.  Thank you for reminding me that my sister is carrying a burden that I don't always recognize.  That as much as she loves Cal and as much as I don't see Cal as "disabled"- there IS a lot to taking care of someone with the medical issues that he has.  Mrs. JJ compared it to having a very large toddler.  Having known Cal for so long- I didn't see the "disability".  I see the person he is.  And I need to remember that Vix who is such an important person to me- does have those extra things to deal with when I go by there and the dishes aren't loaded.  I need to just pitch in and do them for her instead of just thinking that they need done.  

There's the lesson my friend taught me.  Sometimes we know people so well 0r don't know them well enough that we miss the things going on in their lives and don't even try to understand why things are the way they are.  We just judge.  I don't want to be like that.  I want to run with this lesson Mrs. JJ taught me and be a better person.  One that steps up and helps- not one that judges.  

Now, off to watch American Idol because like my blog friend, Kou - I'm addicted.  Sorry Kou!  Not meaning that in a bad way but I do love to watch that show and I know you do too.