one of those days

Short post tonight guys. I just want to let everyone know that I'm still alive. Thanks to those of you who have texted, emailed and IM'd me today.

I spent the day today dealing with a bunch of stress. Once again, not caused by my younger two. They settled in, got their school work done with a minimum of fuss.

The problem is other people. I think I spend half my life trying to make other people stop and look at the other side of an issue. Why is it that the only side people want to look at is their own. God forbid that there might be more than one way to look at a problem. And why ask questions before jumping to conclusions and making judgements. I always listen to all sides of an issue. I make it a point to try to get to the bottom of it. And I can usually see multiple ways to look at an issue. Why can't other people stop and give it the time and consideration before flying off the handle. 9 times out of 10, both side could have done something different to avoid the problem. Now, sometimes you're going to run into someone who just is looking for trouble. And that can happen to the best of us. I know that I have been that someone before. That it didn't matter what the other person said, my mind was made up and that was it. Or I didn't care enough about that person to care if I destroyed the relationship or not. I've also been on the receiving end of that situation before. You call someone up in a good mood and just want to say hi or ask a question and the next thing you know, your head is flying across the room and you can hear the demons flying around the other person's head thru the phone. You just know that if it was a video phone, you'd see their head spinning around.

I see this all the time folks. I expect it from kids. I do wish 2 things tonight. That my kids would mature enough to stop doing this - and by my kids, I mean their partners too. And 2 that the adults that I know would stop and listen before making judgements about things in their lives too. I don't mind being the bouncing person. I know that a lot of people come to me with issues, problems, looking for advice, someone to vent to. I'm honored. Today, I just don't think I was at my best. I woke up unable to walk. My pain level tends to directly affect my patience level. I recognize this. I realize that my days with these knees are numbered. That doesn't change that I worry about the fact that too many people in my life are actively burning bridges behind them. And one of these days, I'm not going to be here to put things back to rights. I'm not going to be here to run interference and try to explain why so and so jumped someone for just making a phone call. Or why so and so said this when they didn't mean it. I'm not going to be here to explain the other side. And can't figure out why so many people today can't stop and think first. Why they can't look at how their actions are affecting everyone around them instead of pointing fingers across the phone and room.

Head - Meet desk.

I now have a migraine. I'm going to become a vegetable and take something for the overwhelming pain in my knees that has a large part to do with why I'm feeling slightly more than ready to rip someone's head off tonight. I'll be back tomorrow with more craziness and reasons why all teenagers should be locked in cages until they turn 30. Have a good night!

another post today....

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Oh to be 18 again....

What I wouldn't give to be 18 again and know everything.  To be the smartest person in the world and think that everyone else is "dumb".  Not really.  I remember being young and dumb.  I remember thinking that my mom was "stupid".  I remember being too full of myself to not even question how bills got paid.  I mean the money grew on the trees and jumped into the bank by itself right?  Laundry picks itself up off your bedroom and bathroom floor.  Laundry soap and water to wash clothes are free.  The cell phone service donates free monthly service and there's no charge for "accidentally" turning on the internet.  

I have an 18 year old.  He is fairly responsible as 18 year olds go.  He makes his own truck payment. He works regularly and loves his job.  He has a savings account already for his unborn child.  He pays his own truck insurance.  And he pays those bills without me harping on him or having to nag him or even remind him.  And he thinks these things make him an adult.  He knows it all.  Just ask him.  He thinks groceries are free and that the 1/2 gallon of milk he drinks every day magically refills itself in the fridge.  The 24 dishes he uses to make himself hotdogs rinse, load and wash themselves too.  Don't ya know?  Or so he informed me today when I had company over and despite the fact that we have 2 freezers with food in them, noodles, soups, canned franco american pastas, and 3 types of lunchmeat with both white and wheat bread that "we have NO food in this house".  NONE he tells me.  As he makes an ass out of himself for 15 minutes straight in front of my friend (who is thankfully female with know it all kids of her own).  So, "to show me", he went to buy "his own food".  Because yes, this is going to hurt my feelings right?  Not. At. All.  And what did he go buy you may ask?  A pack of hot dogs and buns.  Because we only have 3 packs of hotdogs already.  1 in the fridge and 2 in the freezer.  Now, I will admit, we were out of buns.  And we didn't have the particular chips he wanted - but we did have chips.  So, if he wanted to waste $2 buying a pack of hotdogs at the little store in town where everything is double the price of Walmart.... knock himself out.  

I imagine in about 6 weeks when I move and he's got to get and maintain his own place, he's going to get a reality check.  I had an internal snicker after he swore to me that "he'll never eat not one thing that he hasn't paid for out of my house from now on", he went straight to the fridge for the ketchup.  Straight to the cabinet for a clean plate and glass and silverware.  Which, may I add, is now all sitting in the sink waiting for the cleaning fairy to come rinse and load it.  Of course, once enough of it is rinsed and loaded, the cleaning fairy will add soap and turn it on too.  

In 6 weeks, he's going to find out that ketchup, laundry soap, and dishwashing detergent don't grow on trees.  He's going to have to motivate his own laundry someplace to get it washed.  And I will sit back and enjoy, once again, watching one of my know-it-all offspring find out that I'm not as stupid as they thought I was.  Just as I had to discover the hard way exactly how smart my mom was.  6 more weeks till I get to avoid the fights and a few of the headaches and just enjoy the show.  And then in July, he'll get another rude awakening when his baby is born and he has to not only learn to clean up after himself but another mess making human being.   Oh I can't wait.

Please tell me that I can be patient for another  6 weeks.......

Teens are people too

I mentioned Little Man's friend, Tom, in a previous post.  Tom is one of my "extra" kids I have floating around that call me "mom".  If I'd given birth to all these kids who call me mom- I would have been pregnant for around 30 years.  Shortly after we got back from spring break Tom's dad had a bit of a melt-down arguing with Tom and Little Man and decided that Tom couldn't live with him anymore.  All I will say in reference to the argument between Tom and his dad is:  1. I'm not sure that alcohol wasn't a contributing factor.  and 2.  Thank you sir dad for reminding me why I stay single.  Tom's dad has a new girlfriend and a new son and what he told Tom was that younger brother by new girlfriend was the "only son he had left".  Since that night several weeks ago, Tom's dad hasn't called him, spoken to him, or tried to contact him.  Or me.  And of course, as a responsible parent, I made sure that Tom's dad knew where he was.  Since, moving in here, Tom's behavior in school has been above reproach, his grades have gone up, all homework has been turned in and he's followed the rules to the T.  Additionally, Little Man's grades and behavior have improved.  Yesterday, Tom's dad decided to force Tom's mom to take custody of Tom.  Tom's mom has also re-married and has a new family.  She's the one that sent Tom to live with his dad in the first place.  She loves her son, but they don't do well living together.  But, Tom's dad told her she had to come get Tom.  That he was pulling him out of school today.  So, I had a very upset young man here last night begging me could he come back to live with me and finish school as soon as he turns 18 in Sept.  And I'm a sucker for teenagers.  Especially teenagers who have parents who really don't want them around.  I've had so many teens given to me over the years.  That's how I got into being a foster mom.   

Teenagers are a different breed.  The problem with most adults is that we forget what it's like to be a teen.  It's like adults have a gene that makes them forget.  We grow up, we don't take into account the changes in society.  The hormonal things that we should remember and the new things that they have to deal with that we didn't have to.  Do you remember telling yourself that "I'll never do my kids the way my mom did me."  Or "I'll be a better mom than my mom/dad was."  And then we grow up and we understand WHY mom/dad did us the way they did.  We realize that we weren't as smart as we thought we were.  And then, being good parents, we try to stop our kids from making the same mistakes we did.  And along the way, we forget the lessons that we learned from making those mistakes.  We forget how valuable those lessons were and only remember how painful they were.  We forget that the pain is what taught us those lessons and made us the good parents we are today.  And so we forget to listen.  Really listen to the kids.  We forget that part of growing up is stumbling along the way and feeling pain.  And, as I've said, we forget to listen.  Not just to what they do say, but to what they don't.  We worry about the language they use without learning what it means.  Simple things.  When I was a kid, smoking dope = smoking pot.  Now days, dope is something totally different.  Totally worse.  Sometimes it's not just teaching our kids that sex is wrong, it's being able to pull our heads out of the sand and make sure they have condoms when telling them to not do it isn't going to stop it.  It's being able to change our perceptions of our children from the lovable little monsters they were at 4 and 5 to the 'trying to become adult' monsters they are at 14 - 25.  

Anyhow, Tom leaves here in tears today to go to someone who, while she may love him, doesn't really have a place for him in her new family.  She has no place for him to sleep - he'll get the couch for the next few months.  And he goes there full of anger and pain which doesn't lead to a good start either.  He's not happy to leave Little Man or his girlfriend.  His girlfriend was hysterical.  Do, I say that either of his parents are bad parents or bad people?  No!  He has 4 parents, both biological and step-parents, who love him very much.  They're also 4 people who have managed to build new lives that only include this boy on the outer edges.  He doesn't really feel like he fits in in either place.  And so much of this could be fixed if people would just listen to him.  Listen to what he has to say.  How he feels and what he wants out of life.  Neither one of his parents have any idea what he wants to be when he gets out of school.  They don't know what he wants to do in college or WHERE he intends to go.  Why do I know more about this child who isn't mine than his own folks do???  I shouldn't!  But I listen.  And the big part is - I don't judge.  I'm not going to scream and yell and tell them that they're wrong for every little thing.  I try to talk to them and make them think about it.  And if they choose what I consider the "wrong" path- I'm there to help direct them back towards the right one when they trip or there to let them trip if that's what they think they have to do.  And hopefully, Tom will continue to think and continue to follow his own path towards the scholarship he has waiting for him.   I got one of the best compliments from my 18 year old the other day.  Ice Cube has been in a constant battle with Hurricane for months.  Most of this resulting from Hurricane having trouble letting go of the little brother that idolized him and asked how high when he said jump.  And I was trying to explain to Ice Cube why Hurricane was having trouble letting go from my perspective.  And I told him that I long ago reconciled myself to the reality that being a parent was teaching him right from wrong and how to make good decisions and then my job was to sit back and love him while he made those decisions.  He said "mom, maybe that's why I don't want to leave you.  That's why I want to have you around and don't feel like running away from you like I do Hurricane."  At that moment, despite the fact that he's having a baby at a time that I think he's "too young" - I know that I raised him right.  I know that we'll be ok and that he'll always come to me if he needs me.  He won't feel that he has to hide his problems to me or run from me.  It's why he felt comfortable telling me within 30 minutes of Ruth taking a pregnancy test that Ruth was pregnant.  I did something right.  

Best of luck Tom.  We'll be here if you need us.

the lesson I learned

I've mentioned Vix and Cal.  They are my bestest friends and the kids god-parents.  I have called Vix my "sister" for more years than I care to admit.  She and Cal are still so much in love.  Cal has MS.  Multiple Sclerosis. It's a rotten, horrid, awful disease that's eating his body little by little.  Vix takes extraordinary care of Cal.  Cal had acute onset MS.  He was in the military and doing some sort of exercises.  He got into a tank in southern TX heat.  He came out with MS.  MS is aggravated by heat.  The heat causes flair ups.  Now, if you think living in TX is not the best idea for Cal - rest assured that he is quite comfortable in the AC.  Vix is very careful with making sure that their house stays acceptably cool for him.  And the new house that's being designed is specially designed for staying comfortable.  They're building a dome house.  Most dome houses stay at around 72-75 degrees without using either heat or air.  At least the type they're building.  

Cal is much healthier than many people with his type of MS.  We are so very careful to not expose him to anything. A simple cold bug is dangerous to people with MS (like many other diseases).  I'd explain the whys of all this but I'm not that technical.  I will say that I believe the reason Cal is still doing as well as he does is because of the care that they take with his health.  And although the disease has done nasty things to his body- Cal has a brilliant mind. He's a MAC developer and some program he wrote is standard issue on all MAC computers now.  (like I said- I'm not a technical minded person).  

As well as Cal is doing considering his medical issues.  Helping him - I hate to say "taking care of him" - is a time consuming process.  He needs help getting in and out of bed.  There are days that he can't get out of bed.  Someone has to cook for him and make his plate.  He's at the point now where fine motor control is a struggle so he even needs help cutting up his food.  He needs help getting to the bathroom, getting his clothes, Vix gets him his medicine, makes him whatever he's hungry for, he has special drinks that need fixed- you name it and she does it.  And when he's have a bad day or a bad week - what suffers is the other stuff she has to do like housework.  And with the trip to Vegas- well, you know who had to do all the packing.  

So today, my friend and I went over there and cleaned house for her.  We did it as a special something for her.  Because she's always taking care of him.  (Cal does spoil her financially though and is very loving to her so you could say that he spoils her in his own way).  But my friend, who took care of their cats while they've been in Vegas, thought that this would be a nice thing to do for Vix.  Cal had been not very well before they went to Vegas and the house was in need of some tender, loving care.  My friend is a much nicer, caring person than I am and she comes up with these great ideas.  So, we went over and did a thorough clean on her kitchen for her.  We wiped down the cabinets, moved everything and did the floor, and totally bleached down her counters.  We also stripped down their bed, washed the sheets and remade it and ran the vacuum in the house.  We wanted to get to the bathrooms too but we ran out of time.  I did several loads of laundry while I was there and folded the laundry that she had in the dryer.  I say thank you to Mrs. JJ for coming up with the idea.  Thank you for reminding me that my sister is carrying a burden that I don't always recognize.  That as much as she loves Cal and as much as I don't see Cal as "disabled"- there IS a lot to taking care of someone with the medical issues that he has.  Mrs. JJ compared it to having a very large toddler.  Having known Cal for so long- I didn't see the "disability".  I see the person he is.  And I need to remember that Vix who is such an important person to me- does have those extra things to deal with when I go by there and the dishes aren't loaded.  I need to just pitch in and do them for her instead of just thinking that they need done.  

There's the lesson my friend taught me.  Sometimes we know people so well 0r don't know them well enough that we miss the things going on in their lives and don't even try to understand why things are the way they are.  We just judge.  I don't want to be like that.  I want to run with this lesson Mrs. JJ taught me and be a better person.  One that steps up and helps- not one that judges.  

Now, off to watch American Idol because like my blog friend, Kou - I'm addicted.  Sorry Kou!  Not meaning that in a bad way but I do love to watch that show and I know you do too.

Goodbye to the A's and other Monday updates

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