2 wrongs never make a right

     Life has been taking some strange twists and turns lately.  The turns it has taken will not come out well for some of the people making the choices.  


     As a parent, you teach them values.  You teach them right from wrong.  You give them the building blocks they need for success.  You let them make small choices as small children.  And then as they get older, you give them more freedom to make bigger choices.  The goal is that you hope that by the time they are "adults", that they will be able to handle all the choices that life throws at them.  Because the day will come when they're out of your house and they will have to make all those decisions for themselves.  


     What do you do as a parent then when they ignore everything you've taught because they know more than you do or because "mom, you're older than dinosaurs- that's not how life works".  And then when you say something like - so, did you get the insurance back on your truck?  They lie.  And they continue to lie until they owe the state almost 3 grand and have no license.  And then they continue to drive a very noticeable vehicle that gets them pulled over and ticketed for driving while suspended twice in 2 weeks.   The vehicle gets impounded and has to be gotten out more than once.  And every time said child chooses to drive, he gets himself yet another ticket and more fines to the state and currently has 3 pending tickets that he gets to go to court for.  And this is after setting up the car insurance with the insurance company no less than 5 different times so that all he had to do was to call in and give them a debit card number to start the insurance.  And he swore that it had been done.  And continued to lie and hide the lies, as long as he could.  And now that he's created a situation that he'll have to suffer thru and hopefully come out stronger- it's everyone's fault but his own.  


     And here's the bigger issue.  Said child is the type of person who when miserable, wants the whole world to be miserable with him.  If he sees anyone with peace or happiness, he wants to suck the life right out of them until you "make him happy".  He has yet to learn one of the most important lessons in life.  What would that be?  That you make your own happiness.  That no one else can make you happy.  Or really unhappy either- unless you let them.  My mom was upset with the trouble he found himself in.  But, I didn't let the insurance lapse on his vehicle.  I'm not driving a vehicle without the proper endorsements.  I'm not the one that was driving more than 20 mph over the speed limit with a suspended license.  I mean seriously.... how stupid is all that? And I let him come here and tried to help him get the proper forms turned in to the state.  Helped him find a job ($18/hour) that would have given him the financial means to dig himself out of the hole he's in.  And he got into a fight with his gf and the phone company both in one morning.  And then off on his tangent he went.  Throwing a temper tantrum to rival that of an over-tired 2 year old.  And by the time he was done- he had quit his job, gotten himself into more trouble, and is stuck in belligerent mode trying to blame everyone else for the very deep sh*t he's in.  And my sister and brother who have been helping him out financially for over a year now- said "Enough" when he walked away from yet another job.  


     And if you were to ask him - none of it is his fault.  The cops stopped him unfairly (ignore the 91 in a 70 that he was doing....), insurance is the states way of stealing his money, and blah blah blah.  And I'm torn between worry and a good case of "you got yourself into this mess- deal with it" (which is a large dose of ... my give a darn is busted).  I told him yesterday - at some point, you will have to grow up and accept responsibility for your actions and mistakes.  Once you do, you will learn from them and grow as a person.  Until then, you'll continue to repeat them.  Of course, the response I got was rude but he'll learn.  Or he'll continue bury himself like his sister did.  Although I can't see him alienating everyone out of his life like Tara did.  I won't go down that road again with her but I really feel badly for her as she and her man have no one now.  They're at odds with his family now too with his family unwilling to continue with their drinking and drama.  It's actually very sad.  It's like one of those relationships where any outsider can see that they are poison together - the constant drinking, drug use and fighting but they think they are "in love". And no one can convince them that wanting to verbally and physically hurt each other is not love.  


     But as with all humans, you have to choose your own path.  Right or wrong. Yes, life will throw you some curve balls but what you choose to do with them is up to you.  You can take the easy road and try to cheat and end up with a much harder life.  Or you can do what's right and sometimes it's a bit harder (or more expensive like with insurance) and come out on top in the long run.  Because the easy way is usually the wrong way.  Anything worth having in life isn't cheap or easy.  The good stuff takes time and patience and hard work.  That's just how life is.  

This was not smart

It has been an irritating day for me. Totally!

Bringing Tara here to old town - not a good idea. Tom has taken full advantage of the fact that she's this close to play the manipulation game to the fullest. Its a constant barrage of texts (despite the police report filed), phone calls and emails. He plays upon her emotions and constantly plays the blame game. He's done "everything that she wanted him to do" don't ya know. And it doesn't matter how many times she ignores him or tells him that it's "too little - too late" he can't seem to get it thru the single brain cell in his head. He wants her back. What he doesn't realize is that ... He blew it. He can't seem to understand that she signed the divorce papers. She isn't going to go back. No matter how he tries to pull at her heart strings- she's not willing to give up all that he cost her all over again. And like I told her- if he loved her... he'd quit trying to force the issue. What he wants is impossible. His actions have made it so. Even if she could forgive him for the emotional and physical abuse that she suffered at his hands and even were she so gullible to believe that it would never happen again - she's not willing to lose her brothers again. And they... They can't stand the site of him. And even Tara isn't willing to let Tom anywhere close to Elmer.

Tom is a bully. All his domestic violence charges - violence against children, the elderly, and women. He has attacked a 16 year old with a beer bottle, put an elderly man in the hospital (actually, I believe that was twice), chased a 15 year old with a knife, went after his ex-wife with some sort of weapon while his kids were in the house (he excuses that as being ok because the kids were sleeping), etc... Our greatest fear when Tara was with them was waiting for the call to tell us that he had hurt/killed her. He doesn't love her. He just can't stand that the fly got out of the spiders net. Its all a control issue. He doesn't understand that I could let go of Tara to go with him if that's what she wanted because I love her. Also because I loved her, I couldn't stand to sit back and watch him be miserable with him. Watch him tear her down and beat the joy, curiosity, and life out of her. She told him tonight even- everything had to be your way or the highway. She made the mistake of asking for a copy of the tax returns which she needs for school. Well, yes, he'll give them to her but only if she'll go over and hang out with him for a bit. She'll end up having to chase them down from the IRS.

Although, I was pleasantly surprised by a conversation I had with his sisters gf. She is the only one in that family that I have met that has been polite. She was interesting to talk to, non-judgemental, and friendly. Way different than any experience I have had when speaking to any member of Tom's family. She is married into the family like Tara was though- not a birth member. She is the one that brought the divorce papers over to my car and was going thru them with Tara for Tara to sign. Tom had made this big deal over I better not go within 5 feet of him when I took Tara to meet him or he would leave with her stuff. Well, then he wanted to walk over to my car. HA HA HA. Nope. He wanted to be a jerk and threaten to steal her stuff if I walked within 5 feet of him- that means he doesn't walk over and try to talk to me. Like I would ever want to hear any more lies coming out of his mouth anyhow. (you know - cause the current major lie is how much he has changed yet he is still manipulative, wants everything his own way and won't listen to a word that anyone has to say or admit that he ever caused any of this or did anything wrong). Anyhow, I will formally admit that although I still believe that Tom is doing his best to suck his family including the SIL into this situation - Tonia seems to have cared enough about Tara to listen and talk and not blindly believe all lies. And I really can't fault the SIL for having misconceptions about some of this when she has never heard anything but the lies that Tom constantly spews about me, my kids, and his pity poor me I am abused and innocent BS that he is so convincing at throwing out. I do hope that the sisters gf does not buy all the garbage he spews and is intelligent enough to realize that there is way more than one side (or two sides) to every story and that Tom manages to leave the truth out any time that said truth doesn't make him look like the injured party. Tom has yet to admit the damage he caused with his drunken rage and chasing Little Man around as a 15 year old child with a knife threatening to kill him. The nightmares and trauma caused by those actions have never been resolved.

In other news, it is my birthday this week. A fact that my children (or most of them at least) tend to forget 90% of the time. Or when convenient for them at least which is at least 90% of the time. I know one year, I did get a coffee pot for my birthday. Funny thing about that though- I have never ever in my life ever drunk coffee. *giggles* The kids all do though. I don't do tea either or any other type of hot drink that would involve using a coffee pot. B actually wanted to leave town and go back home today rather than being here for my birthday. I am most unpopular for saying no. Well, off to wait on texts from Kou to let me know what's up with American Idol tonight. Ice Cube still hasn't gotten his TV hooked up and I am tvless here. Bad thing for a tv addict like this old lady.

It's time to grow up!

It's crazy around here as usual.  Hurricane and Ice Cube still aren't really speaking.  They work at the same company so they see each other at work.  One day they actually had to work as a team.  That was an interesting day on many levels.  The fact that they were robbed at gun point was a big one.  Yes, they're both ok.  They lost their cell phones and wallets but luckily neither one of them was hurt and they neither one had any money to lose.  I called the phone company and got Ice Cube's cell phone suspended right away.  The insurance company responded quickly and he had a new phone in less than 24 hours.  Hurricane already has his phone replaced too.  There was video tape recording the robbery so the police got the license plate number of the guy and a nice picture of his face and his car.  They must not have been to shaken up because they BOTH called their girlfriends before they called me.  

I'm going nuts trying to get everything ready before I go into surgery.  Still trying to keep peace between kids who aren't acting very mature doesn't help matters much either.  That makes making my arrangements so hard.   I've had to set up rides for B.  I'm still waiting on Little Man's boss to post his work schedule so that I can make sure he's got rides.  I typed out the kids schedules this morning for my neighbor.  She said she'd make sure that they didn't over sleep and miss school.  Or skip school as the case may be.  Not that MY kids would ever skip school mind you.   Read that with all sarcasm intended please.  I also told her who was allowed here car wise and that she should feel free to bust their bubbles if anyone else was at the house.  The aunt and uncle down at the end of the street will be watching them too.  And the cousins.  I didn't leave them much wiggle room.  My pre-op is done.  I'm good to go.  All except the stress of worrying about what the boys will get into while I'm gone.  For all those women who intentionally throw their kids dad's away like old garbage with the divorce- I'd like to say grow up!  And to all the men who walk out on their kids when they get a divorce and toss their kids away like yesterday's trash - you need to grow up too!  Those biological moms who don't appreciate having an ex who wants to be involved with his kids don't know what they have.  They know what they think they want with their bitterness and hate but they don't see what's at the end of the path they travel.   They have no idea what they're throwing away.  And neither do the men (or women) that walk out on their kids with the divorce.  

Do you know what I wouldn't give to be able to pass the boys off to their dad while I went to surgery (or any other time).  I don't have that luxury.  My kids don't have a dad.  They have a sperm donor.  And my kids don't have the option of having a relationship with him.  Their SD sells drugs from his house.  He's out on bond for 8 felonies right now getting ready to go to trial.  He doesn't have time for them now even if he had ever and that's not something he's willing to take for them.  Time.  So, we don't have that option.  It's not something that's ever been an option for us.   And it's his loss.  He may not realize it yet- he may not realize it ever but he's lost out on something pretty amazing.  Because those kids are pretty amazing.  They may not be perfect and they're pretty good at giving me headaches and stress but they're still amazing type folks.  And as they grow and have families of their own- he's lost all that too.  And those mom's who try to keep that from the men who want to be a part of it all- you will lose out in the end.  Your kids will grow up  - they will think for themselves- they will know what you've done and they will hold you accountable.  

Not that enough people read this for it to ever make a difference.  But it was my rant for today as I'm stressing over my kids while I'm gone to the hospital for a few days.