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madness and mayhem -

The SD:  Sperm donor is the oldest of 7 kids.  He has 2 sisters that he shares a mom with that all 3 have different fathers.  He has a brother and 3 sisters on his dad's side.  All 4 of those siblings have the same father as him and the same mom as each other.  He also has 3 step-brothers from his step-mom.  His parents divorced during his mom's pregnancy and his mom never re-married until after all her kids were grown.  She finally married his youngest sisters dad a few years ago right before he died.  They knew he was dying and he wanted to marry her before he passed even though they had been broken up for over 10 years at the time.  By the time all this went down, SD and I were long since divorced and so while I know what happened, I wasn't privy to all the whys and wherefores.  Oldest sister on mom's side, Susan,  has 3 kids and is seriously bi-polar.  She cut off her internet and phone a few years ago for fear of the government spying on her.  (Yes, I'm serious).  Oldest sister on dad's side, Karin,  is a drug addict.  She doesn't have either of her 2 kids and hasn't since they were like 2 and 4 - they're now 16 and 18.  Brother from dad, John,  is in prison and looking to be there for a nice long time.  Last I heard from him (he writes me) he was being investigated for some sort of prison stabbing and had been moved from a minimum facility to a maximum.  Youngest sister from dad, Marcy,  passed away 7 years ago.  She had 4 kids.  Middle sister from dad is Tia.  She is raising oldest sisters son, her own 2 kids, and 3 of 4 kids from youngest sister.  Tia is the only one out of ALL of them that has a lick of sense.  Don't know how good that works for her as she is the one that all the rest of the siblings dump everything on.  Tia told me yesterday that Karin called her to ask Tia what Tia got for Karin's son for his birthday.  Now, Karin didn't even bother to call her son on  his birthday, let alone buy him anything so I'm not sure why she was so interested in what Tia was doing.  Tia is the one paying for all his graduation things.  Youngest sister on mom's side, Reese,  is in trouble right now.  I just read this morning that she and her hubby have been charged with felony neglect of an infant resulting in his death.  When he died a few years ago, the baby's death was originally listed as SIDS.  It wasn't until they had another baby and went to get an apnea monitor for the new baby that everything started coming out.   At that point, the monitor company apparently reported that the monitor wasn't used correctly.  Charges have since been filed by the county prosecutor and Reese is in hot water.  3 weeks before all this, Reese's hubby had been arrested on federal felony drug charges and is already sitting behind bars.  The new baby is in foster care and I have no idea what's going to happen to the children Reese already had by her ex-hubby.  Ex-hubby isn't going to get them because he's already in jail.  All in all, one huge mess.  

You might ask why this bothers me?   Because I was there when all these kids were born.  Reese's 2 oldest kids email me on a regular basis.  The younger of the 2 more sporadically, but the older one emails me and calls me several times a week.  Reese has always maintained that I am the aunt.  Not any of her brother's girlfriends that come in and out of their lives.  And it wasn't the parents that put the baby down to sleep that night.  It was the oldest child.  That in itself was wrong.  Oldest child wasn't old enough at all to have responsibility for a baby.  Let alone one that had quit breathing in the hospital and went home on an apnea machine.  According to the paper, baby was laid in the bassinet on it's tummy on an adult pillow ie: face down. That's how the charges were written up.  The article also states that the apnea monitor wasn't used in the manner as prescribed by medical staff.   All this is coming down several years after the baby passed and was buried.  At that time, Reese couldn't figure out why the monitor didn't go off.  I told her then that if the monitor company wouldn't give her answers then to get her attorney on it to get them.  And Reese, is a flake.  She thought it would all just work itself out.  So, she happily went on with her pregnancy and now one child is in foster care and 3 others could end up there.  

Well, time to run pick up Little Man from school.  He's dealing with all his tickets and turned his grades around.  He's running straight A's again in everything besides art.  None of his tickets were for anything bad per se.  He got one for speeding when he's doing teen court and community service for.  One for another driving offense that he's doing defensive driving for.  And then the minor in possession of tobacco one he had 8 hours of community service and a tobacco awareness class that he has to do.  So, he's buckling down and taking care of all of that.  He did 5 hours of community service Saturday towards the 8 and is doing the other 3 today.  He's already done 8 of the other 42 he had for the speeding ticket.  He did one of his teen court terms last night.  He has 3 more to do.  By June, when we move, he will have completed all of this and straightened out his life.   He's decided where he wants to go to college and is actively working towards that goal now.  And his attitude is reflecting that new resolve.  Just so you know, I wouldn't normally let him miss school to take care of a ticket...  however they only gave him a few weeks to do the 8 hours and we were out of town over spring break so we ran out of time.  He took all the hours he could over the weekend and I warned him this is a one time deal.  He has 2 months to take care of the other hours and he will be working on those every Saturday until they're completed.  

Good luck to Danny tonight in American Idol!  Michael was eliminated last week and it wasn't a very big surprise.  I never expected Michael to see the top 5 even.  But, now it's Danny that will get my votes.  I, personally, can't stand Adam.  Good luck Danny!

It's time to grow up!

It's crazy around here as usual.  Hurricane and Ice Cube still aren't really speaking.  They work at the same company so they see each other at work.  One day they actually had to work as a team.  That was an interesting day on many levels.  The fact that they were robbed at gun point was a big one.  Yes, they're both ok.  They lost their cell phones and wallets but luckily neither one of them was hurt and they neither one had any money to lose.  I called the phone company and got Ice Cube's cell phone suspended right away.  The insurance company responded quickly and he had a new phone in less than 24 hours.  Hurricane already has his phone replaced too.  There was video tape recording the robbery so the police got the license plate number of the guy and a nice picture of his face and his car.  They must not have been to shaken up because they BOTH called their girlfriends before they called me.  

I'm going nuts trying to get everything ready before I go into surgery.  Still trying to keep peace between kids who aren't acting very mature doesn't help matters much either.  That makes making my arrangements so hard.   I've had to set up rides for B.  I'm still waiting on Little Man's boss to post his work schedule so that I can make sure he's got rides.  I typed out the kids schedules this morning for my neighbor.  She said she'd make sure that they didn't over sleep and miss school.  Or skip school as the case may be.  Not that MY kids would ever skip school mind you.   Read that with all sarcasm intended please.  I also told her who was allowed here car wise and that she should feel free to bust their bubbles if anyone else was at the house.  The aunt and uncle down at the end of the street will be watching them too.  And the cousins.  I didn't leave them much wiggle room.  My pre-op is done.  I'm good to go.  All except the stress of worrying about what the boys will get into while I'm gone.  For all those women who intentionally throw their kids dad's away like old garbage with the divorce- I'd like to say grow up!  And to all the men who walk out on their kids when they get a divorce and toss their kids away like yesterday's trash - you need to grow up too!  Those biological moms who don't appreciate having an ex who wants to be involved with his kids don't know what they have.  They know what they think they want with their bitterness and hate but they don't see what's at the end of the path they travel.   They have no idea what they're throwing away.  And neither do the men (or women) that walk out on their kids with the divorce.  

Do you know what I wouldn't give to be able to pass the boys off to their dad while I went to surgery (or any other time).  I don't have that luxury.  My kids don't have a dad.  They have a sperm donor.  And my kids don't have the option of having a relationship with him.  Their SD sells drugs from his house.  He's out on bond for 8 felonies right now getting ready to go to trial.  He doesn't have time for them now even if he had ever and that's not something he's willing to take for them.  Time.  So, we don't have that option.  It's not something that's ever been an option for us.   And it's his loss.  He may not realize it yet- he may not realize it ever but he's lost out on something pretty amazing.  Because those kids are pretty amazing.  They may not be perfect and they're pretty good at giving me headaches and stress but they're still amazing type folks.  And as they grow and have families of their own- he's lost all that too.  And those mom's who try to keep that from the men who want to be a part of it all- you will lose out in the end.  Your kids will grow up  - they will think for themselves- they will know what you've done and they will hold you accountable.  

Not that enough people read this for it to ever make a difference.  But it was my rant for today as I'm stressing over my kids while I'm gone to the hospital for a few days. 

I'm mad

Really I am.  I'm disgusted with the system.  Had it with the garbage.  And ready to resign myself to never messing with it again.  

Yesterday I touched on the fact that the private company is ready to chuck my support case too.  Can't get the state to do their job with it - the state of Indiana that is.  Texas keeps requesting that they enforce the support orders and they are too busy wasting tax payer money doing nothing to lift a finger to do ONE SINGLE SOLITARY thing with my case in 10 years.  In 10 years, the lady assigned to my kids support has done absolutely NOTHING.  SD is in federal felony arrearage.  Do you think she's brought him in to see the judge.  Nope.  Taken his drivers license.  Nope.  Pulled his hunting, fishing, or business license.  Nope.  $43,000 in debt to the kids he is and not one single person who could do something to help my kids will.  She is "too busy" with her Indiana cases to deal with kids in Texas.  And yes, I've wasted my breath talking to her supervisor.  That was a total waste of a long distance phone call and my time.  

So, this loser who has been too lazy to pick up a 50 cent wal-mart card and send it to his kids in 10 years- not for their birthdays, not for christmas, not for anything- put his name on the birth certificate of a child that's not his.  Why you may ask?  Because he thought it would help him with his court case.  Remember it?  That's where he picked up an undercover police officer in the bar and set up a cocaine deal with him.  Then met him a few days later and again the next week to make not one but TWO deals with the undercover officer and sold him large amounts of cocaine.  The same incident that got him charged with EIGHT felonies.  Part of those came from the several pounds of marijuana that he had in his car while he was making the cocaine deals.  UGH!  

So although he already has kids he's not bothered to call/ contact/write/ bother with in 10 years he's claiming a child that's not his for a totally self-serving purpose.  Yet, my friends in step-parent land are dealing with BM's who try to keep their hubbys out of their kids lives.  Men who are good, kind, wonderful, upstanding dads who want nothing more than to participate in their children's lives and do what's best for them.  My last email to SD- I asked him to try to make it right with his kids before it was too late.  If it's not already.  To write them- make the effort- do something/anything to try and establish some kind of contact before he went to prison.  Do I think he's "safe" to be around the kids unsupervised at this point- probably not but he can't leave Indiana to come visit (not while he's out on bond for 8 felonies) and I can't afford to make a trip back there even if the boys could get off work.  I got NO response from that email.  None.  And the boys have heard absolutely nothing either.  

Thats not a parent by any definition of the word.  I'm sorry- there are some people - men and women- who procreate but are NOT parents.  They don't deserve the title.  They haven't done anything to earn it.  And they mess it up for those poor folks who are fighting the other side of that battle.  But the ability to procreate does NOT make you a parent.  That comes from putting the kids first- from doing without if necessary so that they don't- from spending all your time and energy making sure that they're happy and driving them from one end of the state and back for their activities- from making sure that they're safe and healthy.  Not from having sex.  So, whether you're a biological parent or a step-parent, if you're the one doing the job- you're the parent.  And if you're on the other end and are too selfish, insecure, or childish to do what's best for your kids- then either grow up and earn the title or stop demanding the right to wear it like a badge.  It doesn't fit right.

Just my opinion- if you don't like it.  Go play in someone else's playground. This one's mine.

debate

There was a discussion that was opened up on one of my favorite blogs today about kids calling the step-mom "mom".   She was basically asking about peoples opinions about all this.  In her case, the kids chose to do this and it's a sign of respect.  I have had numerous kids in and about this house thru the years.  Between the extras (fosters) who have lived here, mine, and just friends of the kids who have lived here- I probably have over 35 kids that call me "mom".  Friends of my kids who have run in and out of here and spent nights or weeks here hanging with the kids call me "mom".  My kids call me "mom" (well, when they're not mad at me and thinking other -not so nice names that is).  Some of the extras that have passed thru called me "mom" and still do.  It was never a sign of disrespect of the parents they had/have.  It was a sign of respect for what I was, who I was for them, and the time and attention that I gave them.  We are friends with a family who also has 4 boys.  Their boys have played ball with my boys over the years.  They have coached my kids.  I am "mom" to their kids- the wife is "mom" to my boys.  Do I think that this at all takes away from who I am to my kids?  Never.  

Now, on the flip side of this.  Ex got married to the woman that he was seeing when we broke up.  They planned a big, huge wedding.  7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen.  They spent thousands of dollars on this big shebang.  Invited everyone they knew.  Except. My. Kids.  Yes, you read right.  They didn't bother to invite my kids.  Both of hers were in the wedding.  Mine weren't invited.  They didn't even get a phone call from Ex letting them know that he was going to get married.  Nothing. Zip.  Zilch.  I got to be the one to let them know that Ex had gotten married again.  I should have told them before the fact but in my ignorance, I kept waiting.  I kept thinking that he would make that call for himself and let them know what his plans were.  He called several months AFTER the wedding.  At that point and time, he hadn't spoken to the kids in over a year.  They didn't even recognize his voice.  He calls private name (god forbid the kids were to actually EVER have a number to reach him at) and for whatever reason, decides that he wants to talk to the kids that particular day.  Of course he's 3 sheets to the wind - he's never managed to pick up the phone sober- and he can't even figure out which kid answers the phone.  Makes it hard to figure out who it is when you haven't heard their voice in over a year ya know?  (yes, that was very sarcastic! sorry)  So after a few drunken ramblings of which the kids can make absolutely NO sense- their "new mom" wants to talk to them.  Ok.  The kids not only don't KNOW this girl- the older ones were with me when we accidentally found them in a compromising position (another story for another time) and she was definitely NOT on their most liked list.  "Mom"?  ummmmm- nope.  The kids were NOT buying that title for her.  They didn't want to talk to HER.  Hey, I almost had to beat them by this point to get them to talk to HIM.  So, when the kids refused to talk to her- let alone acknowledge her as "mom" or her kids as their new "brother and sister", he threw another drunken fit and hung up on them.  He spouted off something along the lines of:  "If you won't talk to your new mom and brother and sister than I don't want anything to do with you!" before hanging up.  Nothing like trying to cram something down the kids throats.  And said "new mom".  Well, she's gone now too.  She didn't last long.  A couple of years and he cheated on her too.  As well as new "mom"(s) 3 and 4.  But #1 was the only one that tried to force something with the kids.  We have never heard the voices of the other ones (might have something to do with the fact that Ex hasn't called in over 5 years?)  But, that - to me- is quite a bit of a different story.  That's where that "mom" moniker was totally being misused.   Had my kids ever had a step-mom like the ladies who write the blogs I read- that would have been wonderful for them!  But to get a "mom" like that- they would have had to have had a read "dad" and not just a sperm donor.  

Just my opinion on the subject.