Kids and alienation

So, the bedroom floor - done. It's amazing what motivation it is for teens to take their cell phones away and let them know that they're not getting them back until the work is completed. Little Man helped yank the old carpet out of the closet yesterday. All the stuff that was in the living and dining rooms is now back in the bedroom where it belongs. All the furniture is in it's assigned places. And it looks good. I walk in that room and feel like I'm in a new house. I'm happy with the way it's turning out.

gotta love all the shoes lying around. And the ugly green carpeting that's been in there for years. Along with assorted junk that will be gone thru before anything goes back into that space.

Everything pulled out. We found this linoleum under the carpet. The kids are all for not putting the new carpet down and just leaving it with the linoleum. However, there are nasty little staple holes all in it. And I already got the carpeting for in there.

You know folks, 99% of the time, I am happy with my kids and their behavior. It's the 1% of the time that I'm not that you hear about. So please remember that when I'm venting. Also remember that it's not like I can call their dad and say .. "can you believe what your heathens have been up to?!?". Thanks to his indifference and the either indifferent or outright alienating gf's that he's had - that option has been denied me.

There are many types of alienating behaviors that adults use to come between kids and their parents. The most recognized of these is the classic parental alienation. Where one bio-mom or dad tries to turn the children against the other parent. This is done either either because of insecurity or just plain hatred for the other parent. But what about when it's not the bio-parent causing the problems? Then what? What about when the animosity between the bio-parent and the new step-parent is so great that the new steppie just doesn't want the kids around? What about when the new steppie doesn't want to share their new hubby or wife with the kids that were there before? Or if the kids are pains in the tuckus. Then what? What if the new steppie sees the kids as having been warped by the mom? Or if she has kids and is an alienating parent who wants to replace her children's dad with the new man in her life? What if she tries to push herself on the kids? Make them call her mommy and make them accept her to the point that it's so overwhelming that the kids think she's nuts? What if she really is nuts? What if her kids are all grown and she doesn't want to be a full time parent anymore?

Point is: There are so very many things that can influence both positively and negatively the relationship between a parent and their children. Even outsiders, people with no relation to the family at all can sometimes come between the two. And what happens when the animosity between a steppie and a parent spills over to where its public? Where the kids witness it or see it? One friend of mine, the bio-mom actually attacked her in front of the children. There have been emails written that children have been shown. I've seen that in many cases. I've seen both bio-parents and step-parents guilty of this. I've seen both sides at fault. And who pays during all this? Well, if it's a bio-mom and a steppie going at it- the dad and the children pay. So then what options do they leave dad in their little asinine games? Well, he can lose out on his children's lives. Or he can lose his marriage. That's if dad cares. We didn't have that option. SD was indifferent. So long as nothing came between his drugs and alcohol and himself - he was all good. But what if the dad in question were a real dad and not a sperm donor. What if dad really wants to have his kids and either mom or steppie is going out of the way to sabotage the relationship? Then what? What if one of the other likes to play the perpetual victim? You know the type. These are the type of people who start drama and trouble - nothing is ever their fault- and they are always look at pity poor me. Then where does that leave the kids? The parent involved? In yet another case of alienation is where it leaves them. And in those cases, what you will see is: steppie causing drama and blaming the alienation on the bio. And bio causing trouble and blaming the alienation on steppie. But as most outsiders looking in will notice- the alienation is being caused by both sides.

I can never understand these men and women who do this type of thing. I wanted my kids to have a dad. One of the things that drew me to SD was the fact that he had a large family. One of the things that I hated was the fact that said family had no interest in the kids after the divorce. They all followed SD's lead. He didn't bother with the kids so neither did his family. I wish that someone... ANYONE... had encouraged my ex to change and do right by his kids. Maybe some day he'll get his act together. I hope. Because until then - he's missing out on things like this:

From the wedding... This is his new Stare down look. Gotta love it!

irresponsible teens

So, what do you do with your kids when they decide that their friends are more important than being with family for a holiday? Or say they choose to ignore your parenting time to go with the other parent. How do you feel if your child would forget your birthday? What about when a child throws a fit about family time or family plans?

I have a policy. Now, I fully accept that with the kids growing up and getting seriously involved/engaged/ married - you have to share your kids with the other family. And 2 of mine work or have significant others who work and you know that you can't change a work schedule to suit your wants. So in those two situations, then those type things are excused - of course.

But now, should one of my kids chose to party, play, ignore the family during any of those situations. Then not only do they get to deal with my displeasure (and I am seriously not fun when I get peed off) then whatever plans we had... We not only go ahead with whomever is around/home/there - and they don't get any of the goodies that might go with that holiday. And yes, I am that mean. I don't save dinner for them. Candy, presents, goodies - forfeited. Because my thought is - that if they chose to not be a part of the family for that time then they don't want the goodies/privileges that go with that either. And if none of them want to be home- then I just cancel the holiday. Saves me the hassle of cooking or shopping doesn't it? Does that mean that I won't give myself a treat for that day? Nope - not at all. And I will do something special for anyone who cares enough to be here.

We... are not doing anything as a family for Easter this year. Ice Cube and Ruth - working. Donna - working. Hurricane - vehicle and money issues again. Kristi and Little Man - wanted to party and took off for Old Town at midnight last night. They made the choice totally disregarding the holiday and the list of things that I have to have done before I can go back later this month. As I am now having to work on things by myself with only B for help - there will be much less accomplished this weekend than I had hoped. A reader commented the other day that my kids were being selfish. All I can say to that is: That's kids. I guarantee that I wasn't thinking of my mom when I was 17 or 20 either (although by 25, I had 2 kids and was pregnant with a 3rd - so I had a lot more respect for my mom than my kids do for me by then). Kids are infants, go thru the terrible 2-3's, become fun and basically human for several years, and then turn into teens and become more self centered than the worst 2 year old. If you're lucky, you live long enough as a parent to see them turn human again. Some parents are blessed with teens who's inconsideration extends to failing to pick up after themselves or leaving messes that "I don't know" and "not me" get blamed for. Some parents get blessed with the ones with big mouths that think the rules don't pertain to them. Since I wasn't smart enough to quit before 5, I got a mixture of all of the above.

Little Man's current "threat" is that he is going to "move out the day" he turns 18. This from a kid who hasn't graduated, doesn't have a job, and hasn't even made a single car payment on the car he's driving. He can't afford car repairs, gas or insurance on the car. Would have no way to pay for the phone that he spends 11 thousand texts a month playing on. Couldn't afford to pay for an apartment or food, let alone utilities. Now... how is he going to move out? The car isn't his so he can't even sleep in it. I would think some things like a diploma and a job might be necessities if he were serious about moving out. But hey- that's just me. I had a job from the time I turned 16. Graduated and moved out at 19. Worked and payed for my own place since then including supporting kids and a husband. Went to college while working and paying for an apartment. And yet... in my children's eyes. I am stupid. Too old to know. So I sit back and laugh while they make mistake after mistake choosing to learn their lessons the hard way.

Well, off here. I have painting still to do and a floor to start putting down. If I can get the painting done this morning, I can start laying floor this afternoon. B told me not to worry, that he'd help. And I'm sure he will. He shows more responsibility than several of his older siblings. And he said he'd dig the holes for the 2 plum trees that I picked up yesterday so I didn't have to do that. And yes, I will be careful and try not to over-do. I can't promise I won't over-do because I have so much to accomplish. But I'm not trying to rush it to get back for a week now. If I only get in for a day for the wedding or even if I miss the wedding, that will be fine with me. Ice Cube and Ruth will either let me take Elmer for a few days or bring him down to see me if I can't make it in. I'm not real worried about it. What concerns me much more at this point is getting my house done. And unlike the kids who can take off without any care or concern for anything other than themselves, I can't just leave these animals without someone to take care of them. Both Kristi and LM wanted to keep a kitten from the litter the stray I took in just had. (and she will be fixed as soon as she's done nursing - we couldn't tell if she'd been fixed before or not). With them taking off without taking care of their responsibilities last night (I'm talking changing clothes and not even putting their dirty stuff in the hamper just leaving it on bedroom floors- leaving their drinks sitting where they were when they cooked up this irresponsible idea - LM even left a wet towel on his floor - dishwasher not unloaded - counters not wiped down - all the chores that they're supposed to do basically undone) - they are not keeping a kitten. Its just one more thing that I would have to take care of. And I have enough to take care of believe me. Neither one of them showed the maturity necessary to be a pet owner with the way the left last night. Just total - I want to do this and I'm gone. Had they completed their chores, taken care of the mama cat we already had to make sure that she had food and water, left at a decent time instead of midnight - then that would be one thing. And I know a bunch of my readers are cat people - I am not. I take care of the cat we have because I felt sorry for when some idiot threw her out of a car and left her to starve. She was scrawny when we started feeding her. And speaking of the cat- she's obviously out of food or water because she's standing at the foot of my recliner whining so ... that's first on my to-do list today.

Happy Easter all! And B and I - we will have a good Easter. We'll do something special for the day. He'll get some Easter candy. And maybe we'll go out to dinner or have something that the 2 of us like. I'll talk to him about it today.

Grief

With the death in the family, I find myself unable to string 2 words together.

So many relationships ruined lately. So many things said that can't be undone. So much senseless waste. Too many young kids with hot heads and no concept of how short life is. They've destroyed things that they don't have the patience or care to rebuild.

God bless. I will post an explanation as soon as I can find time and the words to do so. As always, I will link from here.

update

Wow! What a week. Between me getting sick and then B, I feel like I've gotten nothing done. And I shouldn't feel like that because I've gotten some things done around the house that needed finished. Projects that I'd started. Worked on a few more that are still a work in project. Taken B to his new quack. Oh man, I have to find him a new Dr. That one I took him to was a waste of time. He didn't ask for the records. He didn't ask for pre-existing conditions. He didn't ask for a medical history. He didn't do a strep test or any type of test. He looked at his nose and throat and wrote him out two prescriptions. He had never heard of the asthma medication that B takes daily. I knew that medical care down here was going to be an issue. That it would be harder to find a Dr here with the training that Cooks Children requires. I knew there was a reason I cried when I said the final goodbye to the kids pediatrician. It took me 3 tries to find him when we moved here from IN, so I suppose I shouldn't have expected to be happy the first one I found here. But one that doesn't kill my child by ignorance would have been nice on the first try. Of course, I'm a bit freaked out right now by the fact that 3 days later, he's still running a 102 degree fever. And the fact that he was crying last night while he was up all night because he couldn't swallow. Now, he seems to be doing somewhat better this afternoon. 3 days into the antibiotic he's becoming a monster again instead of just a whiny brat.

On other notes, I seem to have inherited another child. Can anyone tell me how it is that my house always seems to be the home of wayward kids? For over 25 years now, I have had teenagers showing up at my house and then they just stay. Kids whose parents haven't wanted to deal with them. Kids who have been thrown out or abused. I had one that caused so much trouble at home that he couldn't stay there any more. He tried to set his step brother on fire. Yeah, he had a few anger issues. However, whatever those issues were, they were directed solely at that family. After he was removed, he went on to not have any other problems but step-brother ended up in prison. He's married now. A father with children of his own. You know, I never had one bit of trouble with that boy. He stayed with me for several months and then he went to live with grandparents. I swear to you folks, I do not look for these kids. I am not sure but I'm starting to think that this is what my purpose in life was supposed to be. Somehow, I always seem to find the kids that no one else wants. I love kids. I really love kids. I know that there are times that they drive me nuts. But my kids drive me more nuts than anyone else's ever have. And this one now. My boys brought this one home. After his step-dad told his mom that either the kids went or she went. So mother of the year got rid of her kids. There are a few horror stories that this poor kid has. He's happy to see a meal that doesn't consist of whatever fits between 2 pieces of bread. I don't know where we'll go next with this young man. I know he's been a life saver with getting some projects done around the house. He got Little Man to work the other night when our car broke down. Right now he's up at work. And he may be bringing me home a baby goat. The farm just keeps growing. That's what you're supposed to do with a farm though right?

Anyhow, like I said. My boys brought this one home to me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him yet but I've found that I'm usually led down the path that I'm supposed to take with these kids. Whether its for a holiday dinner, a week or a lifetime commitment, life always works itself out. And as this one will be 18 in a few weeks, I imagine it won't be long and he'll be flying free as an adult. You know, I guess I'm bad, I've never even asked if he's a JR or SR. I suppose I need to be finding that out in case I have a graduation to be dealing with this year. I knew I might have as Little Man might graduate early, but if this boy is going to graduate this year, I'll have to do something. His mom apparently doesn't do holiday dinners. He was worried about being here for the holidays. Well, I can't remember a holiday when I haven't had someone extra at my table. So, that's not a worry around here. And he has a girlfriend so I'm sure he might go with her. I refuse to worry about something that might happen several months from now though. Maybe his mom will get her act together and choose to be a mom again before then. I always have hope for these family relationships that at some point and time, the parents and kids can work something out. And most of the time, I've been right. Most of the time in these situations, its a communication gap. And boy do I know that one. You say one thing- the kid hears another. They think they're telling you one thing- you hear another. Sometimes I just think we speak a different language for a while here. I speak teen boy fairly well with everyone else's child. It's just mine that I don't quite get the lingo sometimes.

I do hope that my children have learned something from all our "strays". Compassion for other humans if nothing else. And that maybe, even as hard as we might have it financially from time to time, that nothing is better than a loving family and those times spent together. Yeah, and there is wishful thinking that my spoiled rotten kids won't be too upset this year when Christmas is fairly lean. One can hope can't one?

Well, the mothering thing needs to take precedence in my life again. I hope everyone is having a great weekend! I have a honey-do list for the boys tomorrow that should keep them busy for several hours. They're going to hang some shelves and get some yard work done and clean the nasty rooms. They started a few of the things that they knew I wanted done today so that they had less on their to-do list tomorrow. Good kids.

An unconventional Mothers Day post.....

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Good Friday

Question for all my friends out there.....  I always talked to SD's nieces.  Even the ones that lived by him.  They came to me.  I was very careful to keep things neutral with them.  Never saying anything negative or controversial - basically generic conversations.  Being an impartial listener.  There are 2 of them that belong to youngest sister.  The sister that is out on bond for killing her baby.  The one who's husband is in jail on heroin charges and the girls dad is in jail for habitual traffic offender (too many drunk driving charges).  I wasn't going to shun the girls with everything else going on in their lives.  The older of the 2 is 14, the younger 11.  They have way too much free time on their hands.  Way too much freedom.  Oldest one was telling me a story last month about throwing up in some guys car.  I said your mom lets you go out with guys old enough to drive?  Uh no.  One, mom didn't know she was out with the guy and worse yet- he didn't even have a license.  Well, I wanted to call mom over that one- actually called her phone a few times.  She never answered - never returned my calls.  But I did get a promise out of the kid that she wouldn't go getting into a car anymore with anyone who didn't have a license and without her mom knowing.  So, I filed it into the banks of things to mention to her mom if mom ever decided to pick up the phone or return a call. Well, a few days ago, the older one tells me that the younger one is smoking.  At. Eleven.  Um - no.  Not only is she smoking, she's hanging out at the 14 year olds friends houses.  And telling the 14 year olds friends to hide this not only from parents but from her sister too.  And for some reason, the kids are running the street.  Constantly.  They seem to congregate at this one boys house the most.  His mom works nights so they're all there having sex and doing whatever while his mom is at work and asleep.  And oldest niece thinks I'm "mean" because I told her- my boys wouldn't be allowed over there.  It wouldn't go.  I also told her that they were being disrespectful to the mother for behaving like that while this woman is trying to support her family.  But I digress.  The smoking thing was something I couldn't just ignore.  I kept thinking that if my child had been smoking at 11 - I sure as hell would have wanted to know.  And they need to take control of that 11 year old.  She's been caught panhandling for money, suspended from school, she's just really headed down the wrong path.  Well, I was talking to one of my old foster daughters.   And during the conversation I asked her if she would contact the kids mom.  She did and she passed on the information.  And the mom contacted her back which is further than I could have gotten.  I would have preferred to talk directly to the mom.  Actually, what I tried to do was get oldest daughter to speak to mom.  I spent 3 days trying to convince her that she should tell her mom.  She would just disappear off line any time I pressed too hard.  So, how wrong am I?  Y'all are parents.  Would you want to know if your 11 year old was smoking?  Or would you rather live in blissful ignorance?  Does the age of the child matter?  

On other notes, B is unhappily back at school.  They had an ice make-up day today so they're in school over Good Friday.  B is convinced that we did this just to torment him personally.  And he was so mad at me last night because after missing 4 straight days of school, I wouldn't let him skip today.  Yeah - right- not.  So, the mean old mom sent him to school just so he could be tortured for today.  I was supposed to ignore the fact that he had 30 note cards due today in English for his 8th grade english paper.  HA!  He acts like he thinks this is my first merry-go-round.  As if the silent treatment he gave me last night was going to be enough for me to ignore all those little responsibility issues.  And he had his notecards done last night despite missing those 4 days in school where they worked on them in class every day.  I helped him read the research and get the information for the cards.  (B has a vision disorder and I am allowed to read to him.  He has large print texts and handouts for his school work.  He would love to push me over that line between reading to him and doing his homework but I've had many years experience in keeping to my side of the line.)  I haven't gotten any texts from him today so he must not have that much free time on his hands.  

Congrats to the Rangers who are 3-0 for the first time since 1996.  Am I crazy enough to think that the Rangers are going to go to the World Series this year?  Not even close.  But I do appreciate the fact that they have gotten off to a good start.  Not only did the win against the Cleveland Indians - they stomped them.  And I appreciate a player like Josh Hamilton who has come back from an absolute horrid hole that he put himself in with drug use.  And Hamilton is not at all shy about talking to kids, fans, anyone about his story and his comeback.  He has a book out that goes into what he put himself and his family through.  It's a great story.  B and I watched the special that MLB tv did on him.  It was great!

Well, off her to see if the Rangers can make it 4-0 against the Tigers.  Here's hoping.  

madness and mayhem -

The SD:  Sperm donor is the oldest of 7 kids.  He has 2 sisters that he shares a mom with that all 3 have different fathers.  He has a brother and 3 sisters on his dad's side.  All 4 of those siblings have the same father as him and the same mom as each other.  He also has 3 step-brothers from his step-mom.  His parents divorced during his mom's pregnancy and his mom never re-married until after all her kids were grown.  She finally married his youngest sisters dad a few years ago right before he died.  They knew he was dying and he wanted to marry her before he passed even though they had been broken up for over 10 years at the time.  By the time all this went down, SD and I were long since divorced and so while I know what happened, I wasn't privy to all the whys and wherefores.  Oldest sister on mom's side, Susan,  has 3 kids and is seriously bi-polar.  She cut off her internet and phone a few years ago for fear of the government spying on her.  (Yes, I'm serious).  Oldest sister on dad's side, Karin,  is a drug addict.  She doesn't have either of her 2 kids and hasn't since they were like 2 and 4 - they're now 16 and 18.  Brother from dad, John,  is in prison and looking to be there for a nice long time.  Last I heard from him (he writes me) he was being investigated for some sort of prison stabbing and had been moved from a minimum facility to a maximum.  Youngest sister from dad, Marcy,  passed away 7 years ago.  She had 4 kids.  Middle sister from dad is Tia.  She is raising oldest sisters son, her own 2 kids, and 3 of 4 kids from youngest sister.  Tia is the only one out of ALL of them that has a lick of sense.  Don't know how good that works for her as she is the one that all the rest of the siblings dump everything on.  Tia told me yesterday that Karin called her to ask Tia what Tia got for Karin's son for his birthday.  Now, Karin didn't even bother to call her son on  his birthday, let alone buy him anything so I'm not sure why she was so interested in what Tia was doing.  Tia is the one paying for all his graduation things.  Youngest sister on mom's side, Reese,  is in trouble right now.  I just read this morning that she and her hubby have been charged with felony neglect of an infant resulting in his death.  When he died a few years ago, the baby's death was originally listed as SIDS.  It wasn't until they had another baby and went to get an apnea monitor for the new baby that everything started coming out.   At that point, the monitor company apparently reported that the monitor wasn't used correctly.  Charges have since been filed by the county prosecutor and Reese is in hot water.  3 weeks before all this, Reese's hubby had been arrested on federal felony drug charges and is already sitting behind bars.  The new baby is in foster care and I have no idea what's going to happen to the children Reese already had by her ex-hubby.  Ex-hubby isn't going to get them because he's already in jail.  All in all, one huge mess.  

You might ask why this bothers me?   Because I was there when all these kids were born.  Reese's 2 oldest kids email me on a regular basis.  The younger of the 2 more sporadically, but the older one emails me and calls me several times a week.  Reese has always maintained that I am the aunt.  Not any of her brother's girlfriends that come in and out of their lives.  And it wasn't the parents that put the baby down to sleep that night.  It was the oldest child.  That in itself was wrong.  Oldest child wasn't old enough at all to have responsibility for a baby.  Let alone one that had quit breathing in the hospital and went home on an apnea machine.  According to the paper, baby was laid in the bassinet on it's tummy on an adult pillow ie: face down. That's how the charges were written up.  The article also states that the apnea monitor wasn't used in the manner as prescribed by medical staff.   All this is coming down several years after the baby passed and was buried.  At that time, Reese couldn't figure out why the monitor didn't go off.  I told her then that if the monitor company wouldn't give her answers then to get her attorney on it to get them.  And Reese, is a flake.  She thought it would all just work itself out.  So, she happily went on with her pregnancy and now one child is in foster care and 3 others could end up there.  

Well, time to run pick up Little Man from school.  He's dealing with all his tickets and turned his grades around.  He's running straight A's again in everything besides art.  None of his tickets were for anything bad per se.  He got one for speeding when he's doing teen court and community service for.  One for another driving offense that he's doing defensive driving for.  And then the minor in possession of tobacco one he had 8 hours of community service and a tobacco awareness class that he has to do.  So, he's buckling down and taking care of all of that.  He did 5 hours of community service Saturday towards the 8 and is doing the other 3 today.  He's already done 8 of the other 42 he had for the speeding ticket.  He did one of his teen court terms last night.  He has 3 more to do.  By June, when we move, he will have completed all of this and straightened out his life.   He's decided where he wants to go to college and is actively working towards that goal now.  And his attitude is reflecting that new resolve.  Just so you know, I wouldn't normally let him miss school to take care of a ticket...  however they only gave him a few weeks to do the 8 hours and we were out of town over spring break so we ran out of time.  He took all the hours he could over the weekend and I warned him this is a one time deal.  He has 2 months to take care of the other hours and he will be working on those every Saturday until they're completed.  

Good luck to Danny tonight in American Idol!  Michael was eliminated last week and it wasn't a very big surprise.  I never expected Michael to see the top 5 even.  But, now it's Danny that will get my votes.  I, personally, can't stand Adam.  Good luck Danny!

once upon a time- the conclusion

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